Christmas

Its late christmas is over. Now its lay about time and eat chocolates. I am knitting some mittens for my daughter because she is going snow boarding in Japan next month and a pair of socks for a late christmas present. We've been to the beach most days and I've been body boarding, the waves have been good, not too big. The weather is still nuts sunny rainy hot cold all in one day. 

It was kind of weird because I felt uneasy all christmas then I remembered I dont like it much. You are supposed to like it and the kids love it and there are things I've come to enjoy but when we were children christmas was angry mother day. I dont know why but my mother became so stressed about cooking dinner she would yell at us all day. Also my father died a week before Christmas. I think they should call it stressful family day. It went alright sort of  except for my little tantrum which I am too ashamed to talk about. oh well, one day I might grow up. 

vale our tree

When I started high school there was a rule only 4 girls were allowed up a tree. I live across the road from my old high school and we drove past yesterday as men were loading pieces of the thunk from our tree into a truck. It was a turpentine tree, rough bark and a smelly sticky gum. it has woody seeds that we would collect and throw at neighboring tree dwellers.  To climb it you had to hold a small branch, walk up the trunk till you put your legs over another branch and pushed up till you grabbed a high branch and climbed into the middle of the trunk or stayed sitting on the big branch. I remember starting school and walking past the tree with some girls up it and asking if I could climb up. The four of us became a group we invented nicknames. One of them is still my best friend, the other two I haven't seen since school. I think we could only climb that tree in first year after that we moved to an easier tree, one of the small leaf figs. 

There was a whole row of those turpentines planted along the boundary of the school. the grounds are now part of the botanical gardens and they removed the turpentines as they said they were coming to the end of their life, which was strange as they all looked fine. You have to get lot of permissions to remove trees but institutions just take them down. I guess no one was going to argue about it as turpentines are not the prettiest trees but they are  native and a dull colour but I liked them a lot especially the smell of them. I'm going to go and look at where the tree was, they are probably going to expand the car park, see if I can find its seeds and try to grow them. Oh well better wrap some presents it looks like rain again.

Feeding the fish mosquitos

Thats my fun at the moment. The fish which we think is a fighting fish from Thailand ? maybe and is a beautiful blue with lots of wavy fins. My daughter gave it to her boyfriend (definitely in the most stupid gift ever category). He went away and gave it back to her to mind, then she went away and left it for me to mind.  The poor thing is in a vase with nothing in it except water, it eats other fish so it cant have a companion so I put a rock at the bottom which it is quite interested in. It has fish feed but I thought it probably eats insects so if I squash a mosquito I give it to him/her to eat. I am considering going to a pet shop buying a bigger bowl and seeing if it can tolerate another fish. This may be going too far, I dropped the fish on the floor when I was changing the water, do fish get broken bones?

My eldest daughter graduated last week what a thrill I dont like ceremonies much, didn't go to mine (why handheld games were invented I think) but the Dean of Arts gave a very apt speech saying how she had always made fun of graduations to her daughter consequence daughter didn't attend her own grad or tell mother about it. Mother very mad. It is not the ceremony it is the meaning of it the long years of learning and support and love it takes to bring up a child. 

I applied for the mental health course too and have an acknowledgment back, I can trace my application, like an ipod coming from China. I am pessimistic about getting in so if I dont get in I might apply for masters of arts and do some more history instead. Its expensive but I dont care much about travel so that can be my big trip. 

Waiting for my sister to wake up she got back from Saudi yesterday for christmas. I'm really pleased to see her and we went to see her house which she liked. 

Poetry

I looked in the mirror and said I wasnt supposed to get old, I was supposed to have written the great poetry have died young and beautiful like John Keats. But of course he didnt want to die and it was a horrible death in Rome. My husband said there is still time to write the poetry. If you could just remember what you think for more than 10 minutes and if you took anything you think seriously any more. I am tired, running around the tennis court and I went for a surf plus our christmas lunch too much food. 

The beautiful daughters are looking at snow boards.  Lucky things. 

holiday

Yippee yippee off for christmas hot weather swimming at the rock pool with lovely happy daughter, pancakes for breakfast with strawberries, ordered the christmas meat rack of pork chops extra crackling, free range chook, bacon 1/2 ham. Champers and NZ sav blanc lovely ordered. Sent out email christmas cards and send gift pack to his relations. Christmas organized. tennis party tomorrow, golf lady chrissy party tuesday old ladies dancing! Going to uni to see about enrolling in masters of nursing (mental health). Knitting socks. 

Waiting really sometimes you just have to wait out feeling bad. Sometimes you get sick of it and you think you will never feel better but you nearly always do. I have just a little hope that I wont feel dead all the time.

grrrrrr

I bad bad went to the cardiologist and vented big time, I said I dont like this going to doctors it makes me feel bad, you dont investigate anything you dont know anything how could something kill a piece of your heart and not have other effects seems unlikely. He said is it me, no I said, you seem very angry and depressed are you suicidal. I said yes I was but I dont think about it so much now and anyway you cant kill yourself because it would upset your children so much. plus there is much more chance of them doing it too. Funny that you think its ok for you but not ok for them. Anyway Don Juan says dying is easy and living is the challenge. I hate the bastards that made this machine.   

He is so funny the cardiologist he is as aspergers as. Watching him trying to be concerned about me when I walked in he didnt remember who I was he said reading the file oh you have a pacemaker with a big surprised voice I thought stuff you, you react like the rest of the world the mixture of repulsion and fascination that could turn me into a serial killer. I never tell any body now and I dont talk about it. my husband is afraid to mention it. He doesnt know I went to see the doctor. the doc said we'll do an ECG I said why, what are you looking for, oh well he said you just had a check up, so he didnt. He refered me to some psychologist that will see me as a favour to him, he said do you think you'll go I said no.

I said how often do you see patients like me he said he didnt they had follow ups at the clinic, so ends that no more appointments with him and stuff the clinic too. Useless. I think oh I shouldn't have annoyed him but I dont care he doesnt know anything and he doesnt even know who I am. 

Now I have to forget again and get over it all again.  

Thats 3 days ago and I'm still stressing over it but I will have to see the cardiac surgeon who did the operation if  I ever go to doctors again at least he understands the machine.  I didnt like him much they are all too busy to answer your questions and much too busy to give a shit unless your Elvis and see what caring does. Their only answer seems to be another drug.

One day at work then I'm on holidays. I go to work thinking if anyone says anything that upsets me I'm going home. I didnt think that until I noticed I wasnt thinking it progress ?maybe. 

Its the day at golf yesterday with the lovely ladies. I played with an 79 year old who top scored with 2 others they are so brave, lost husbands friends been ill and come out kind and good golfers. 

I suppose

I'm still a nurse through the relationship is very strained so I'll say my little piece about the unions champaign of one nurse to four patients. This is the mandated ratio in Victoria and has been for 9 years ( seems strange NSW union has finally got on to campaigning for it). Our union rep asked me rather aggressively if I was attending the rally in Sydney I said I am not a member of the union as I think they are a questionable bunch in collusion with the labour party most of the time, the president buying uniforms out of union money for his daughters sports team, oh says the rep the union got a lot of publicity out of that yeah, the front pages of the paper, it was a clear conflict of interest. 

Maybe you better watch what you say he  says, or what I thought you'll get rid of me bring it it on. I've never seen the union go into bat for anyone under the level of a unit manager and why on earth are ordinary nurses in the same union as managers. They are all nurses he says I said their interests are not the same as ours and they dominate the union. You've taken the wage rises he says. I didnt get to say the next bit to  him he is too macho to go at too much and too  angry by then I am such a wordy smartie. But wage rises ever since I've been nursing have been catch ups. Nurses fall behind for years then the union elections are due and they start some campaign or other usually for wages but this time they've gone for staff ratios. Thats full circle because guess what next year is the union election, see the pattern here. Meanwhile aged care nurses more and more behind in wages a couple of weeks trained "carers" handing out meds in nursing homes  and just try and get the union to act on your behalf they dont even act in criminal  charges. So paying all that money for Bretts daughters uniforms and conference talk feasts etc doesnt really seem worth it. My husband was a union rep for a while whenever he tried to raise issues with the union there was no response. 

Rainy day no 3

Supposed to be 2 more. This is like years ago day after day of rain, poor farmers now they cant harvest properly in the mud. We were thinking of holidays I would like to snorkel for a week on a tropical island but I dont think we can fit it in and we have the quotes for painting the house and repairs lots of money so we will just cross the road and look at the house after painting. 

This house is suddenly full of love, three boyfriends who all look like keepers. Its nice if a little unsettling. I guess we are lucky to get to know these boys up close, check them out and become friends with them I hope. Everyone has passed their uni exams except the missed  one but she has a post to do so thats ok. 

Tomorrow is hams day at golf, first 30 win a ham but I dont think the course will even be playable its rained so much and friday is the christmas party at other golf. 

Daughter is playing Mario Galaxy 2 oh the brains that thought of all this stuff, I was really into playing Mario Galaxy 1 but it got too hard so my daughter (job in a games shop when they decided to diversify the staff ie employ a girl) said get Mario G2 it will start off easy well....It is really cute thro. I'm going to make muffins, that I can manage. 

The good and the bad

The builder turned up to fix some windows, the pest inspector turned up and said we dont have white ants, just rotten wood, but they will do a proper inspection next week and the lady who will design the garage and granny flat turned up and said there is enough room and it can be done. 

But the daughter misread the time of her exam and turned up late and wasn't allowed in and will have to try and do a post. Became very upset about lots of other issues. The transition from school to uni has proven to be very traumatic for all my children, they feel very lonely and yet its a local campus and they know lots of the people going there. Still a lot of her other issues came out in the storm of tears. Years ago I did a course on early childhood and I had to sit in on sessions with an early childhood nurse seeing new mothers, My children were 1, 3 and 5 so our big issue was sleep. Her son was 18 and doing his final exams so I thought she didn't really pay enough attention to the mothers issues with sleep, but afterwards I thought she taught me a good lesson, sometimes its more helpful to not make a fuss about things or think you are going to "cure" normal behavior, sometimes learning to deal with problems is the big lesson not finding someone to take it away.

Talking to my daughter about why we live what meaning does it have the same questions that I ask myself and still the only answer to learn wisdom what else matters. She said its like you are angry with us I said I am angry with you because I feel like you would get upset if I died so you I have to live with this shit machine in me and I hate it. She said I like it because you are alive with it. Its so annoying you have to be a good example of courage when you want to be angry and bitter. You have to get used to things. I feel like I've been in shock for months and months. 

I talk to people and its kind of normal but I think maybe they know I'm a freak. I dont feel normal at all there is always some weird feeling going on and you wait for the next thing to go wrong. 

the plagues of Egypt

My daughter said do you think we are having the plagues. She did a lot of religious studies at school, first as a believer later as a skeptic like her mother. No I said I think its the 7 year  break down of things in houses, so far sewer blocked, oven broken, plague of bees in the bathroom, stressful showers and other visits! Lets hope things come in 3's as nurses always believe. I like bees I thought we were friends I thought they had no sting (native bees) wishful thinking but they do and they did. I felt nearly broken by the bees but then I thought  its only bees. I also got bitten by a cloud of baby spiders I think, very itchy.

The new Harry Potter is out this week we all love Harry he is so brave and good. My children have grown up with those characters so they feel like school friends of theirs. I watched the second movie last night and it always leaves me feeling better. My husband said again you have to be resilient but you get tired of the pointless effort of doing pretty meaningless things. Modern man is kind of mad, do the stars clock on and off, do trees clean. but I better. 

Staff patient ratios

Should be in bed. worked 2 nights. came on only three of us on 24 patients supposed to be 4 on when we go over 21, this is not including the babies. Getting 3 booked Ceasars in the morning. I was really angry threatened to go home and said I'm only taking 7 ladies. Then feel guilty but said I cant manage more. Fights with the bitch admin trying to send general patients as well. Also the shift times are changing 10 hr nights which only one person wants. I dont want to do them at all but I dont know what rights I have if any.

Union running a champaign for 1 nurse to 4 patients. We cant figure what thats about they are in the pocket of the labour government so why are they running this.  Probably just to look like they are doing something like their rubbish night duty campaign. Unions are crooks. One day it will be just patients and admin! they might remember then what nursing was. 

Garbage time

Do other people feel like this. Garbage time in basketball is when one team has clearly won but they go on to finish out the game.  Thats what things feel like to me now, garbage time. The children are near finishing their courses and are grown up. Work is meaningless just hanging on till I can retire. Investments are stunningly boring shopping, travel just time fillers or chat fillers or show off things. Nearly everything you have read it before or seen it before. My mother just cleaned when she felt bad. Maybe cleaning is the answer. 

Well I've been doing some cleaning and I feel better. 

the winner!

I won 3rd grade at golf today and went down 1 in my handicap at last. I nearly nearly got in the zone. It a silly expression but when you do you can do no wrong. Unfortunately I did quite a lot wrong but that was good because I still managed to play well and maybe the zone day is still out there. I picked up the golf balls I'd won I thought I'd only got a couple but there was 6 nice. Next week I'm playing with a lady I really like she came 2nd shes frightened we might have peaked!. I'm soo tired but in a good way. 

the temptation of misery

I dont know why I am inclined to be unhappy, it is not my predilection really but perhaps it feels like home it absolves me of involvement. We grew up with a depressed mother, real depression, not my occasional teary imitation. I think will I bother going on with my projects and sport and stuff does it have any meaning but then you do because someone rings you and asks you to play golf with them, or you get a big idea currently to build a garage and granny flat at the side of the house and someone gives you a designers name she sounds good when you ring her, you get excited by a project and sucked in to being alive again when really you just want to sulk.

Blood and aqua and shopping.

She was ok thank goodness they took her back to theatre, she had a high vaginal tear that needed repairing you cant get them to stop bleeding without suturing but then they dont gush just trickle constantly. Her Hb not too bad wont need blood unless symptomatic. We had a reasonable 2nd night but they are starting 10hr nights. I dont think they will be able to cover the shifts oh well I dont want to do them so we will see what happens. I get so stressed over this stuff but its not worth it. Maybe just take long service and look for something else. 

I did aqua today and breakfast at the local cafe nice. 

We talk superannuation and retirement at work now, and  shares and property. It doesnt look as grim as it did. This week we went op shopping, 2nd hand charity shops really fun. I am keen on pyrex dishes at the moment and other stuff. We looked at the new (to me) antique centre. Its one of those places where they rent out small spaces to different shop owners and have a person serving for all of them. I am trying to talk my friend into starting one between her house and mine we can stock it no problems! Really it would just be cheap storage for all our junk! 

This afternoon I am going to a piano recital so I better get ready. Its a beautiful afternoon the new leaves are bright green and shining and there is a gentle little breeze not the gale they were predicting, yet. 

The piano recital was fantastic, a Russian girl. I dont know much about music but I think she might be really really good.

Enlightenment

I bought a book by the Dalai Lama about the Buddhist path to enlightenment or something I figure if he cant make me feel better no one can. Corse its all about selflessness and serving others unlike those totally stupid ads "its all about you." I think humans need selflessness to survive all the crap we dish up to ourselves and to make us feel worth while. When I  was young I was totally messed up the product of two messed up people then I did nursing which is compulsory selflessness. Between exhaustion and life and death stuff you forget your issues a fair bit and I just loved it, I used to get surprised that they paid us (tho not much). There is so much sweetness in people, in people you wouldnt look twice at you help them a bit and they are so grateful and it makes you feel worth a bit. Crying again thinking of the girl we looked after last night bleeding after delivery we were so worried and she was reassuring everyone, I hope she went ok. 

The clinic person nailed me again sent out a letter with an appointment in 6 months, go away I think just go away and leave me alone. On the bright side maybe I'll be dead by then and not have to go. I'm totally exhausted, there is a little progression change settings, exhilaration because you have more response then you get worn out because things are different again and your body has to adjust again. Also night duty I just cant take being so tired. The big black hasn't gone put it feels contained it doesn't feel unbearable like before. 

I'm going to make a nice dinner hamburgers with mushrooms and cheese yum yum, I wish i had swiss cheese oh well then I'm going to watch David Attenborough non human life is refreshing. and go back to bed. One more night, no more blood please. 

tired of settings

Well I went back to the clinic I definitely was feeling better didnt feel the palpitations all the time and the fullness in my chest and head, even my teeth had felt funny. That was a lot better mostly. She said the rep suggested some adjustments and they hadnt put the top rate up completely which was why I couldnt get my heart rate up properly. I dont know whether to be angry anymore or what. Thats 8 months of feeling crappy. I dont feel too friendly towards that clinic except the nurse who took the time and trouble, finally. She said sorry. 

The thing that feels different is feeling. I feel something again.   

So was it all just the settings that made me feel bad? I don't know, I don't even want to think I feel better in case it gets bad again. I feel much better. I keep thinking it was ages ago but it was only yesterday, it feels like my life was switched on again. Now I'm tired again but thats because I can move faster. Changing settings makes you feel tired for a while.

I got away without making another appointment. I dont think they will want to see me anyway. I feel like a nuisance. I think I can leave it for quite a while as long as I feel alright.

Check ups

I went to the pacemaker clinic this week thats a 6 month visit. I didn't want to go but I couldn't ring up to cancel. I thought I will just listen to my ipod and pretend I wasn't there. It just upsets me so much to go to that place.  I dont want to be under surveillance all the time. The nurse was really nice and made an effort to talk to me and knew the answers to lots of my questions which no one else has bothered answering. 

She made some changes but I feel kind of crappy and really tired the rest of the week. It feels like it wears you out. She said she will ask the pacemaker rep about some other problems I have. I blurted out all the emotional stuff so now there is more reason not to go back. I didnt make another appointment but just said ring me if you find out anything and I thought I was really clever that she wouldn't remember and I could just not go back. But she rang to go back next week. So now I am really embarrassed and stressed. On the surface things are better in my head but underneath I am very bitter. I hate being alive because of this horrible machine and never feeling alright. It takes so much energy to live I dont feel like I have any. My golf has improved a bit through. I am not too bad at work if people dont talk about it and at golf because you have to concentrate on something else. 

Inspirational pebbles

I picked up my husband from work. He told me that there was a bowl of white pebbles in the entrance of the nursing home with words like hope, dream, courage on them. Unfortunately one of the residents with dementia was eating one of the pebbles, so husband put a sticky note in the bowl "Mrs ...... chewing on a pebble" and put the bowl in the facility managers office. He noticed as he came out to the car that the bowl, pebbles and sticky note were back in the foyer. We were inspired to laugh. 

Wild mouse

There was a wild mouse in the kitchen, it chased the dog out and up the stairs. Useless dog . we think its died somewhere and the smell is awful I can smell it when I go to work we cant find it, probably in the wall cavity. I wish we were nomads still would be good just to pack and leave! 

Had a run in with one of the girls at work she started asking me about the thing I said I dont talk about it 3 times but on she goes the final straw was shall we just treat you as if you were normal. Yeah that'd be nice you rude ignorant "nice" person. Some people ride their wave of niceness right over your feelings. In the end I said if you say another word to me I'm leaving, I was so upset and angry I couldn't function. I know I'm just the freak to them but most of them have the grace to pretend and not mention the elephant. I really wanted to go but if I did she would take over the girl I was looking after and not let her go home which would have really upset the girl. The baby wasn't feeding really well and I 'd organized follow up but sometimes they get so upset staying and you cant fix everything in a couple of days. I thought she would be buying formula on the way home really. Lots of them do that. 

Oh well probably an improvement fighting with staff not patients. you certainly see another side to people. 

Cranky nurse

I feel so bad I dont want to even talk about it. Have had fights with patients last two weeks. The first girl was very rude and I called her psycho to a nurse coming in the room the boyfriend heard it and went ballistic at me. In the end I apologized but I am beginning to feel like I cant deal with these people anymore too tired. Last night I did feel worse about, girl rang and baby crying. I'd been trying to settle a baby at the desk with no luck so I was a bit short with her and she got mad because she was tired, the baby had been on antibiotics so probably had a sore tummy and they had been comping him in the nursery so he wasn't too pleased about getting just colostrum. Anyway I said sorry again and I am sorry but just no patience feel like I'm turning into cranky old nurse. There are some jobs advertised at a nursing home name your shifts that might be better. 

Maybe I need some long service leave. I get so tired I hate midwifery now. They are staffing us for the overflow of general patients so the ward is a madhouse everyone is angry and they cant get staff. 

One of the general wards had no staff at all one day must have been fun, pulling in people from anywhere and no one in the place who knows the ward or where anything is. I was talking to one of the casuals about working somewhere else but she said its horrible everywhere mid is the best. 

Its tiredness but also I think getting old and feeling ugly and no self confidence, the mums are young and beautiful and what are you just some old person telling them what to do so you dont feel so good about yourself and that makes me very prickly. Its easy to figure these things out but not easy to change your feelings. Also we dont feel valued at work just shoved around. I really hate nursing now. I feel like it did this heart thing to me with the stress and shifts and horrible people. Maybe I should see a psychologist. Everytime I think I am getting better I feel bad again. 

spring

All the flowers are out the freesias and blossoms. I bought a packet of sunflower seeds and nasturtiums and poppy seeds even I can grow those I hope. But then I was crying a bit because spring is so nice it is sad too. I miss my mother because we would always mark the year with the freesias in flower. Her front yard was full of them in the grass she wouldn't mow the lawn so they would flower, they are the old fashioned ones with soft colours and lovely perfume. 

I cant believe I cant see her anymore. It is nearly two years and not as painful but death is so strange really. 

I had a lovely op shop shop. I bought a tapestry and all the wool for it and a book on ferns and a set of orange little bowls, very 60's. Op shopping is so good satisfies the need to shop but so cheap, all that for $15. I like the history of things even of silly things people buy, foot spas are a big item in op shops. Teaches you to think twice about what you buy. 

Thermii

Finally I found two small thermos so we are free from the going to a coffee shop. We can go anywhere and have our coffee at the beach and save money. How good, also they fit in the cup containers in the car. Very exciting. It will fit in my golf bag well too. Well we just need the caravan and we can join the grey nomads.

I've been playing a computer game Plants v Zombies but the zombies are winning, they have eaten my brain. I think of good posts but they are zombie food.

We had another drama on our corner today. This corner must be a bit of a magical place well it turns into a creek when it floods and spirits hang around waterways. We have had floods, a big (100 ft) gum got undermined with a broken pipe and it had to be taken down in the middle of the night. It is a natural amphitheater, we can hear what people are saying in the street which is kind of funny. Today we had gale force winds. I did aquarobics in the morning.  The pool has a big tent like cover the gym people and us were watching it shake in the wind. Later in the morning the police were blocking the street cause power lines had come down on the road. Very scarey. 

I'm so tired busy shifts the girl in charge must have run 50 people some twice to find people. Usual problem over census and the people calling in sick, They are talking about having a 10 hr night duty which some people want but most dont. Also most of our staff are part time and only 3 do only nights so its difficult to juggle hours. I dont know how it will work as no one has talked to us. This is another Garling report outcome I think, so imposed from above. Might have to find another job with the hours I want  if it my roster becomes unworkable and the place gets into more of a mess with 6 hr shifts. You are supposed to have a certain no of staff on then you are short for a few hours in a patchwork of hours. Someone goes off at 9pm saying all my ladies are settle ha then they all start buzzing. 

I know its worse in general I read the stories, at least our lot might be alive at the end of the shift but trying telling a mother you haven't got time to help her feed her baby! 

One shift week

I was supposed to work thursday night but we played a stroke round of golf for a ridiculous 51/2 hrs, I dont know why it was so slow and I was too tired so I had a sickie, also I'd done zumba on tuesday night which was really good but exhausting. I wish they wouldnt put me down to work on thursdays I can hardly walk after golf but I dont want to miss it because I've missed so much this year and I will loose the fitness to do it. I was supposed to work friday night but they rang just as I went for a sleep before work to say would I like to work the afternoon instead, yes yes yes. So I just did my afternoon shift. Our ward is the winter bed plan they give us extra staff so we get filled up with general patients so I had a cancer patient and a girl with an infection as well as the maternity  patients. They said about the ca lady if she gets a temp do the something protocol I said the what?? They said ring the cancer ward and ask them. Its weird to go from babies to someone with cancer through funny enough the Mums are much more stressy than the general patients.

My husband is telling me a funny story about depression amongst his nursing home people. If you diagnose depression in a patient you get more money for their care so they go round doing depression assessments on them and if they score they send of the results to their doctors to get them to sign them up as depressed. So tonight one of the doctors rushed in to see his patient who was supposed to be depressed, an emergency situation! To make matters worse they had sent him the details of the wrong patient something no one realized till later. He duly visited his patient who was very cheerful and seemed to have recovered from her depression and was very pleased to see him. This is the mad micromanagement of Canberra in action. 

I think hospitals are the maddest places ever.

Romeo and Juliet

We went to the ballet it was really beautiful. Keep expecting them to speak through. It makes you think about the story because there are no words, it is such a boy story really fighting and gangs and knifings and yet I always saw it as a girl thing. So much great boy dancing the guys must love it. Its weird how much I like classical music again, it feels like the only thing I can feel properly. 

We are going to the beach for lunch ahead of the rain. Its so cold this year. 

"I remember he said he 'catastrophised' everything. " I read that about a guy who had depression. Thats what I do I am waiting all the time for the next disaster and everything becomes it from a broken plate to a scratch on the new car, (yeah already). My husband says you have to be resilient, lucky I was driving or I might have hit him. But no one gets the charmed life really. 

election day

I get a news letter from Alan Kohler financial writer because I am playing the ASX stockmarket game again and then you get it free for a while. I think they are may be the news of the future but I am too mean to subscribe so maybe they are not the future, there is enough free reading out there and you already pay internet time. I think the internet providers should pay the content providers because why would anyone use the internet without content. Anyway all this goes on with the money gods above us. He said he thought the election had been really interesting, well dramatic yes but interesting no, being told what you know is lies is not interesting. 

We walked to the polling booth so combining our walk and our voting, we voted Greens which will make a difference if they get a few in the senate. There were 2 ads in the papers about private schools urging people not to vote green and health funds doing the same, more than enough reason for me. This town always gets a labor person in except the year the unions were angry with the labour party and backed a green candidate. I dont understand through why those old lines exist through do people really vote because some stupid union tells them so. I think they vote their personal interest, well thats not always true either. The future is the problem its unpredictability. Fleets of public servants try to predict policy outcomes but almost everything has its good and bad side. At least the future is interesting.  

I have one principle  I never do opinion polls and I think everyone else should not do them and then see what the politicians try to double guess us, ha.

pacemaker

This is what it feels like one day you are normal, even if normal to you is slow and tired. The next day they put that thing in you and its like you have moved to another town you dont know anyone everything looks strange, no one answers your questions and no one knows anything. You think things will get normal again.  Then you realize you cant leave there is a barb wire ring fence around you you are a prisoner of your circumstances, the only way out is death and you think about that a lot. Then the guard hits you not painful but constant with every beat like a soft pounding so that you feel bashed up all the time. 

You wish that it had never been invented you feel dead but you cant die if you talk about it they get upset and say but we will grieve so its good you're alive, but I'm not I say I'm pretending all the time I dont feel anything. I dont care about anything I'm hollow. I think maybe I should take a pill to make me happy or keep busy or active or work. I do all that except the pill. There is one thing through that is a little bit of freedom I dont care anymore. That is freedom. Nothing changes but everything is different.  I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. 

Back to fake life and work which I hate because its where they did this to me and everyone knows about it and tries to ask me questions and I feel like a freak. I wont talk to anyone about it now. Except a spaz attack at my husband. 

Last night I woke up and felt so weird I thought it had stopped working and I was going to die, then it went back to normal. You get shit like that all the time weird pains and feelings which nobody can explain. I wonder if I will ever think it is worth having it. 

Sunday

I wish I could bottle this afternoon its warming and spring coming and peaceful and sleepy. Our table won the trivia night last night on the last round so we are basking in glory and our chocolate and wine winnings. I'll have a nice bath and read a book. lovely

Scary driver

Husband doesnt drive or play golf so I thought he would like to drive the cart while I played 9 holes. It was too late in the afternoon to do 18. He was pretty nervous and had 2 speeds fast or nothing. We went up the top of one hill and there was a big pond on the other side so he just stopped dead, no brake on me yelling put the brake on or give it some gas. Anyway he enjoyed the driving so that will be good to do again, maybe, on a quiet course.

 Apart from that we took his Mum out to lunch and hung around her place. Nearly all the motels were full, dont know why it was hard to find a room. We could have stayed with his mum but shes getting older and we dont like to put her to any trouble. 

We drove back to Lithgow, nearly running out of petrol (I was looking at the symbol for ages and not registering it properly). We couldnt find a place to stay in Lithgow so drove on to Blue Mts in rain and mist and tiredness. I stopped at the first hotel I saw my husband thought we would just check it out but I didnt care if we slept on staw, I wasnt driving anymore. Was really nice and the cheapest. The next day we went to Mt Tomah Botanical Gardens which was wonderful all the cold climate plants that I love and cant grow on the coast and beautiful old trees. So we did animal vegetable and mineral. We did a guided tour which is always good, a very nice man showed us around for an hour. We'll go back in spring and see it more in bloom. 

That was our beautiful holiday.

Dubbo Zoo

We found a great motel just near the Zoo and next to the golf course. I thought we would spend 2 hrs at the zoo and then play 9 holes but we spent 6 hrs at the zoo and still didnt see everything. It was really great. It is so interesting to see animals so close. We had a talk from the keepers about the elephants Yum Yum and Cuddles, they are retired circus and zoo elephants. It was great to have time to watch them doing things with the people. As we walked up the hill to see the lions we could hear him roar that was an incredible sound. We went to see the otters but I thought we wont be able to see them but it was a great viewing area and they were running around playing. finally we saw the Galapagos turtles being feed, they can live up o 150 years we could touch them, they like being patted. Next time we go there we will stay overnight at the zoo and hear all the early morning noises. So no golf that day drove on to my mother -in-laws town and stayed there for two days

Yesterday Bathurst

Def I could live in Bathurst  its so cute like old Sydney all those beautiful houses. We went to the mineral museum which is in a restored schoolhouse, which itself is worth seeing. Its the collection of a guy from Bathurst which he gave to the town. They are very lucky its wonderful and well curated. Such a difference  arranging things well makes. I'm not very good at that so I never understood it. We spent two hours there. We went to look at a national trust house but it wasnt open so we just looked at the garden in the rain. The house was called Miss Traills house full of family collections of things, reputedly. Then we went on a the town heritage trail which mean missing turns and turn arounds but was interesting. We saw Ben Chifleys house in a very cute part of town old railway workers cottages on little blocks and tiny houses. 

Then we drove up Mt Panarama which we never intended but it was interesting. My friends father worships at the foot of Mt P the Bathurst race is the high point of his year. I think he has every year on video since video was invented. I think he thinks video was invented to record 8hr of Bathurst every year. In the phamphet  about the track in big letters were THE ROAD IS AN ORDINARY 2 LANE ROAD SPEED LIMITS APPLY. Obviously some of the dudes have some issues! Not me I did 40 on the SSES yess there is a sign saying sses. Peeking into other worlds is interesting. We had a tea at the top and there were gorgeous views over the valley to the Blue Mts. got to move off to the Zoo goodie.

The road trip

We bought a new car its really cute a hyundi i30 wagon and we are going on a road trip to Bathurst and Dubbo Zoo and whatever else we find. So this will turn into a travel blog for a little while. I love driving in the country. I feel better all up, I met one of the golf club members who has had a pacemaker for 4 years and said she has no problems with it but said she got a 2nd opinion and lots of tests before and she couldn't believe them, so she cant have been that cool about it at the time but it gave me hope that I might be as unfazed as that in a while. But it will be nice to see no one I know for a while and not get asked how I am in that pointed way. So we better go before we want another cup of tea. 

Knitting a  really nice scarf and hat, might need it cold in the country.

Riding into Pau

We are watching the tour de france started watching for the castles and beautiful countryside but now we are into the riders, I cant even blame them for taking drugs it is such a tough race. its the attraction watching real people doing real things instead of all that hollywood action stuff. Such an amazing event and all the crazy followers. Parking their RV's on the edge of cliffs. 

A Little Night Music

Big week we bought a car on monday, went to Sydney the Opera house to see a Little Night Music with Sigrid Thornton and Anthony Warlow. We had dinner at the opera house and looked over the next table there was Sigrid T how cool having dinner with her mother and others. My daughter said I wasn't to look and be embarrassing. Such a thrill. The show was wonderful. I'd forgotten what a beautiful building the opera house is and the harbor bridge and the big deep harbour at night. I like to look at the water so mysterious. I think about the aboriginals  living in its bays, fishing, only 200 years ago. 

Played 18 holes stroke, walked it ok so that was good, came 3rd in 4th division but there was only a prize for 1st and 2nd, typical, oh well, it was good to hit some nice shots. 

Sooo tired

Finally back to 18 hole comp. One of my partners plays in a cart and asked if I wanted a ride with her, thank goodness as it rained and was cold and windy. Also being the first time back playing 18 very tired. Played quite well so that was nice. 

Trouble with the house, nothing is ever simple some debate over how much rent it can get, real estate says one amount valuer another 100/week difference so that changes the loan approval. Got to the point where I kind of hope they don't approve the loan. Buying units way easier than houses and better returns through less capital gains. You always wonder about pushing things that become difficult. Often the better path is the smoother one, but then you dont gain fortitude, yeah well. 

got the house

Had a bidding war while I was playing tennis but we won we kind of ended up paying quite a bit more but really everyone is looking for the great deal in real estate but there is usually something wrong with it and you mostly end up paying a fair market price. If you pay under there is usually something wrong. Actually you probably get the best deal from developers they are moving volumes and so will give a discount. This house is in a great spot, close to town near parks school and uni and all around there are places being renovated. lovely views of the mountains. I think my sister will like living there, if she can ever afford it. Now the boring part starts solicitors and paperwork. All investments are kind of boring at least the safe ones. 

Stupid me lost my roster again and thought I was one night duty so trot up to work they said you're on tomorrow pm you can stay thro no I went home and watched unbelievable the Dutch beat Brazil great match and last night Germany cream Argentina. Makes Australia look not too bad I think Germany will win it their defense is amazing double teaming everyone with the ball. Next the tour de France we love the countryside views as much as the cycling. We love the funny stuff in sport the french team football self destroy etc. One thing in sport success seems to breed failure eventually. Team building is very difficult. 

another day another bid

Went back to see the house we saw last week, had another think about it and a talk to sister overseas. Was going to give up looking but then I thought this might be her last chance to buy some property because of age and jobs and circumstance. Asked if she was committed to buying it. Took my husband with me but he doesn't like it he likes new and shiny and this house is old and needs some reno but is solid and has a nice view in the backyard and I can see her liking it. There is a one bedroom unit in town that we are thinking of, so that might be an option if this falls through. Its weird you wonder what different paths people will take if you buy in one place or another. Especially if you are buying for someone else. We are waiting for the real estate to ring I feel really nervous. I was going to wait till we saw the other place but I think this house will sell this week. There isn't much in that lower price range. 

We are working this afternoon. I've been doing a lot of reflection on nursing and it isnt good. I feel like I've been intimidated, bullied, abused ever since I started nursing, like that is how people are trained. I rarely go to work feeling confident. My sister says hospitals are all horrible thats why they cant get people to work in them, and I'm lucky to only work 2 days a week. tru dat. Also I should stop whinging about the heart block lucky she is os because I wanted to hit her.I am getting very angry about it now is that an improvement feeling something rather than just dead, I dont know. 

The winter soltice

Its a grey day where the grey seems to go from sky to ground. Yesterday was the shortest day and very cold to. I feel hopeless really. I read and read but I have no hope of getting better so I just have to endure more life. Everyone is home and they are cheerful but I feel like crying because I have run out of hope and no doctor gives me any or any medical article. I have been distracting myself looking for a house for my sister to buy but one fell through and the market is getting heated and the real estate people are so dodgy. Also when the market goes up its like high tide it brings out all the rubbish for ridiculous prices so you end up seeing awful properties. 

I want to go upstairs and go back to bed and cry and cry. 

hey Mr Tamborine Man

Thats the song in my head maybe the first Bob Dylan song I ever heard the Byrds singing it I couldnt believe someone singing that feeling of not quite being anywhere. 

We went to Sydney to see the craft show and a friend of a friend asked about the heart thing and I told her how awful it all is and then had another stress out at my husband in the evening. I swore I wouldn't talk to anyone about it anymore and then I do, stupid. Nothing they can say or do makes any difference. People just don't like hearing you say you'd rather have died. Its the truth death felt really peaceful after all the grief and I was really tired. death is soothing. I think I've moved away from feeling so bad about being alive with this piece of shit in me but I wouldn't say I'm glad to be alive. Anyway I dont really believe I'm ok cant believe anything that would kill off your heart like that is just going to be ok or a piece of shit technology is going to be ok. Anyway I think I will whinge here and stop whinging at people. 

pajama day and I dreamt of tomatoes and Cinderella

Worked 2 evenings good and no one asked anything about my health that was really good I kind of hide if anyone comes around that I haven't seen for a while because I dont want to talk about it because I dont want to think about it but then I worry about being asked. Follow that? I think word must have gone round that I spit the dummy when asked about it because even the most inquisitive are silent. I love the way with nurses you only have to tell one person something if you want everyone to know. Such a handy trait. 

Last week on nights I protested about having the new admission as I had 2 new caesars and others but in charge person (who is a friend) says that makes 7 each, through 7 buzzing all night does not equal 7 sleeping. Anyway this week another one in charge says I notice you have two caesars a lot but we all have to do that sometimes. I said I dont mind sometimes but every week is not fair. Actually I didn't used to complain but now I just feel so tired sometimes I just cant walk that corridor so many times. 

When I picked up my husband from work I said I dont think I can do this anymore I could hardly walk to the car but actually when I started nursing at 18 I had to lie down for an hour or so after work because I couldn't stand up. Infinite needs (patients) finite resources (me). Sometimes you feel bleed dry. When I did the history of Malaysia they talked about the Indians they'd brought over to work the plantations because the malays were thought not capable of such hard work. When they returned to Indian they called them squeezed oranges. 

I looked after a lovely lady over 40, 1st baby from Iraq she called the baby Cinderella so pretty, she said everybody is dead in  Iraq. Wars are so horrible. Its all the other damage to infrastructure like hospitals as well as the straight out deaths. She said it is so nice here with health care. 

I dreamt of tomatoes  because all my joints are so sore and they get bad when I eat tomatoes. We are going to have pasta with tomato sauce for dinner but I am going to put some milk in the sauce hoping that stops the sore joint effect by cutting the acid. I think I definitely have to get tested for arthritis because I get so sore sometimes.

Oh and pajama day. One of the girls says they have pj day when they and the kids stay in their pjs and clean the house then they put the pjs in the wash and they shower and everyone and thing is clean. What a good idea. 

saturday

We are working afternoon shift so not much time, cant believe how long since I have written anything. Its been a very rainy and busy few weeks. Sisters house fell through vendors decided that because they got an offer quickly it must be worth more and have taken it off the market. Like people who think they need ten husbands. Anyway probably well out nice location but needing a lot of upgrading. Real estate offering another property going to look at next week, sister gone back overseas, so up to us. 

Played golf yesterday and some bitch starts about my heart so I nearly left so fed up with being reminded by people, another one starts later and I did the I dont talk about it then they hang disappointed, as if they give a shit. I think I will end up quite solitary which will be good I hang too much off peoples opinions and ideas and there is no freedom in that. Maybe that will be a good outcome that I distance myself from people. 

swimming in the rain

Such a lovely swim pouring with rain but warm in the best pool in the world. Thinking how long we have swum there since the kids were little. Used to be a canteen next to the pool run by Korean family so we would swim with the smell of noodles and soy across the pool. Poor students used to buy a bowel of rice and flavour it with soy and wasabi. We would spend the swim thinking about what we would eat for lunch very pleasant. Unfortunately they replaced it with a plastic food place. The food is made before and heated up, I guess some of it might be alright but after the Korean food we couldnt be bothered. 

A tank

Aquarobics, a shower, laps at the pool and another shower had to stop myself having a bath, maybe I just need a big warm tank of water to live in. Almost went for a bodyboard but it looked a bit grey in the afternoon. Anyway my brain feels washed clean. 

wash out

Not really time for this was supposed to play 18 holes in a team event today didnt sleep much so nervous about it. Golf was where I felt the worst before so I dont know how I'll go. I've been playing 9 holes on the short course and that is ok. I've been reading about the PM reducing the ejection fraction of the left ventricle so I dont know that you are ever fully fit with it again. The system is so complicated they would prefer you to just mushroom it. oops better go on nights yuck I hope i manage to stay out of A&E.

To Hep B or not to Hep B

I had Hep b vac years ago. After it I had a chronic fatigue and got arthritis. I thought I must have glandular fever and I went to get a blood test, the doctor said my white cells were abnormal but it wasnt glandular fever. He wasnt interested in finding out what it was, in fact he was quite nasty and acted as if I was just trying to get sick leave. Anyway the fatigue got better, well less severe, hard to tell as I had kids so was tired all the time anyway. I had sore joints since then sometimes worse than others. I never talked to a doctor about it till they were trying to make me have another Hep b vac and I said I wouldnt have another one. The doctor was quite nice I said the hep b vaccination I felt had given me arthritis and also it was from donated blood from people with hep b which always worried me but I could never find anything about it. He said I probably didnt need it as I was probably still immune, he did a blood test and I was still immune. 

When I was having my children they didnt give babies hep b vac, now my daughter has had to have it to do nursing. We give the babies it now with parents permission ?informed consent. Its funny to be part of this system which introduces treatments which we are expected to advocate with no education ourselves. I dont understand why they give it to babies whose immune system is very immature. I have been reading about but it doesnt make much difference as nurses just have to toe the medical line. Leave your own beliefs at the door! which is fair enough in some ways. The problems of continuing education, through we get the endless fire lectures!

I asked the cardiologist if I had an auto-immune disorder which could have caused the heart block he said no you haven't got that but didnt say why, another question for next time. I dont think he is right I think I have rheumatoid arthritis last year it was really bad, pain storms. I dont know if there is much treatment for it but I'm tired of the soreness.

afternoon

Bit calmer been to town and bought a nice knitting book. Good things happen too daughter got drivers license and is happier than in a while. Sister has bought a sweet little house and I am so happy for that as she is working overseas and I worry about her security as she gets older. She is really pleased with it her first house. We will have to do a lot of the paperwork but I am happy to do that. Its in a great position and she will rent it out till she comes back permanently. The pool is open again at the uni and we are swimming laps and the sea has been so warm till this week and I've been body boarding. Youngest did first prac at POW and loves it poor kid another nurse but we are proud of her. Five days and she is talking the language. 

I read Carlos Castaneda's the wheel of time like they do bible studies, the lesson of the day: "there is no completeness without sadness and longing, for without them there is no sobriety, no kindness. Wisdom without kindness and knowledge without sobriety are useless." 

I know I want to be miserable and angry  I want to never talk to people again but I am lousy at 

it I forget to be unhappy. Oh yeah and its Bob Dylans birthday, happy birthday Bob.

So glad

I am not at work today, someone said there must be a full moon you can feel the storm brewing at work, we had one bed left last evening a new caesar being done and three booked C/S coming in to be done this morning with no beds for them and the birthing unit was filling up. They've banned overtime again, getting staff is a constant juggling act taking up much senior time (employed these two little ladies to do these jobs but they are often busy at lunch). We had a shit of a shift, bleeding girl, kid went into labour screaming swearing truck her off to birthing unit quickly, 2 other ill-assessed pregnant girls dumped on us from BU. Everywhere no time, no beds, no staff. More infections, other illnesses and then the general patients, we are now designated gynae as well. Some idiot mother from a couple of weeks ago rings up I want to send a card do you know A.. describes her, I said I cant give you staff names over the phone and I don't know who you mean anyway, well do you know ... on and on it went, do they go deaf. Got to laugh. 

Nobody asked me anything about my health, which was really good because I had decided to walk out if anyone said anything. I have a policy of not discussing anything about that shit heart thing with them. Its better dont want to think about it at work, dont want to be the freak with the shit box in me. I hate it so much, wish I'd died dont see that ever changing but when I'm busy I forget about it then some creep says in front of a crowd of people hows the pacer (our charge sister) its like getting knifed. Nobody and I do mean nobody gets how I feel except people online with them. Old men seem to deal with it best they seem to like machinery and being inorganic, it fascinates them. I hate it, it is so creepy so inhuman. They tell you to tell your dentist etc about it but I am never telling anyone again, I dont care what happens, they just treat you weird and you feel bad again. I research and research but there are no answers. I hate medicine for inventing this shit box but not finding why in me or anyone. Everyone wants you to be glad for this extra non-life and I hate it. I have never felt very good about myself but now its like trying to construct your life from dead tissue. Like being a zombie who knows they are a zombie. I have to stop talking to family about it because they get upset. What I look forward to is getting a deadly disease and then getting them to remove it then for a little while I'll feel human again.  Not just turning it off but taking it out. That will be really good. 

I do things still play golf and swim and all the stuff but it is hollow and then you have to hide how you feel so they dont feel bad. 

The satin bower bird flew across the front veranda. He has a regular route through the back veranda around the side of the house between the car and the wall and past me sitting here and into the camilla tree. I suppose building bowers on the ground he has to be good at low flying through an obstacle course. He has this personality you feel of a determined obsessive collector and arranger of the bird world. All the pieces he collects for his bower have to be blue, the colour of his beautiful eyes. He makes a lot of loud weird noises, nothing nightingale about him. 

Nice day we did aquarobics and breakfast sunday pretty good. 

One horrible shift at work me in charge and all casuals. Then the NUM says in front of everyone at the desk hows the pacer, I should have walked then I said I dont talk about it. She is such a creep, lazy incompetent. The only thing she is good at is not buying any equipment or finding any staff. Shes been in that position for over 40yrs, well she did rubbish management for a while but they dumped her back. I wish I'd walked out would have saved myself one crap evening. Very sick patient I had no time for, then ICU liaison comes around to tell me I should be doing another treatment that I have no time to do. He introduced himself and shook my hand (so I didnt hit him?). I said that is not what the doctors have ordered well they should have  he says, duh I can only do what I'm ordered to do. Supposed to be moved to general ward, getting beyond mid they'd spent all evening saying not yet. ICU did the useful at least went up to see what the hold up was (they dont want her) and low and behold they took her in a very sulky and no interest way. I didnt care so relieved,  another disaster passed down the system . I wouldnt say she was a one on one probably a one on two or three and I had 6 plus 3 babies and the rest of the ward. Then I somehow inherit the patients of the girl working the 1pm shift. 

Things dont have much meaning to me but work is a distraction.

4 out of 10

I need more quietness and rest, less doctor visits and obligations. More swims in the ocean

Less monitoring my moods The joke is now having mentioned to a few people I feel depressed about the heart thing I get asked about that when I feel ok or am not thinking about it. 

It was kind of unbearable for a while, cant even explain how bad like something so bad pushing into everything. Awful, you don't want to be alive anymore. I tried to make my heart stop. Its not really depression or anxiety, it was like mental pain. Its not gone but its subsided. Someone said the tiredness of the heart problem is not like other tiredness the depression of the heart is I think not like other depression.  

When your heart goes from 2nd degree block to complete block there is a gap where your heart stops for a number of seconds before a secondary pacemaker takes over, if it takes over, if it doesn't thats how you die from heart block. So you have been dead for a little while at least a few times. 

another day

Crying again yesterday. Feel like I have to fake everything laughing and talking. This whole life feels fake. Dont know if depressed or just rational. Just make the rounds to please people. But no one cares really. Well family do but I feel dead or should be dead. Can't see how to feel better, how to feel anything. Some people get anxious but I'm not, feel well but not right. They say on the pacemaker club you will feel better but I cant see it, it just feels like a deadness all the time and real dead would be a big relief. Mothers day today. 

You want to just take off and find another place to be but unfortunately  you'd have to take yourself. I am sick of life being so difficult. 

what else me

Saw the Prince of Persia (husbands name for the cardio) put me on statins. gave me a choice $500 test to see if clogged arteries or statins. I said ok low dose I've tried to get cholesterol down but doesn't seem to go down. So 2  days so far seem ok. oh ow the drugs are piling up. Well two. One of the girls at work has high blood pressure and is very bad about taking her meds, now I understand it feels like they are sucking you into being old. In ten minutes you'll end up on 20 meds and a walking frame and spend your life being ferried around surgeries and X-ray and blood collecting centers. Where no one will have time to check the test properly or do anything about it.  

All seems kind of nuts the purpose of life is to prolong life? I dunno I've seen the nursing homes and you have to wonder if its worth that. I wish I felt better in my head, somedays I am not too bad I dont want to upset people by telling them how bad I feel but then they aren't interested anyway. 

Went to an interesting public lecture at the uni  by Prof Julian Gold about the possible role of retro viruses in diseases like MS, there is a new research group at the uni sounds interesting. He is head of the Albion St clinic in Sydney, those guys are such heroes needle exchange, prostitute collective, approachable non-judgmental treatment. I always think about the babies we dont see with HIV, and the woman we look after with drug dependance but not HIV. Could have been such a different picture.  

Asked the Prince a few questions about 3rd degree block he answers were rubbish really and he said they wont take it out. I said there is so little research on it. You would like to have hope that it doesnt happen to others, that they would find a way to prevent or treat it better than this piece of shit. Pacemakers for all they are mesmerized by the engineering wonder are crude and non-human compared to even the simplest organic system. 

CIAP

Two nice shifts, so nice to work with people who work equally. I was a bit naughty thro refused to take a student, was tired as played golf in the morning and it was hot plus cranky as they keep putting me on the Caesar day, busiest day. I regretted it later as the students were really nice girls and interested so I wont be mean again. Feel like a petulant child at the moment, I keep hoping they will sack me or discipline me so I can say I want to move somewhere else but they are all cutting me lots of slack, poor crippled me. Funny illness this are you better I get asked that 20 times a shift at least, well I wasnt sick really I think but I guess I was, just didnt feel it much which makes the drastic treatment much harder to accept. Tomorrow I see the cardiologist again dont know why I bet he'll want me to take statins, stuff that then the pacemaker clinic on friday to turn up the upper rate then the GP next week then  I hope thats all for a while. 

The best thing is we can have home access to the clinical information access program all the medical journal and text books you could want on line and mims and everything its like a hundred christmas at once. My husband says I am really a nerd. I want to go back to uni maybe just one subject next year I'll have to have a look. Everyone does this traveling thing when they get old but I dont care about that. Back to ciap.

So annoying

How you get over things when you want to stay upset. I guess I'll have some more upset times but its not as bad as grief. Its kind of weirdly like nothing, just a bit sore around the shoulder. I've read lots about idiopathic heart block now but really its a bit of a mystery of a disease. I kept hoping it would just go back to normal but not likely. Best thing has been the pacemaker club you can post questions and get some good answers, if not always what I want to hear. The people are really nice and they give you hope that you will come to terms with it. I hate it but really there isnt any choice no other treatment. 

Did some gardening wiifit took the dog for a walk and made a nice dinner. Sometimes I remember how difficult doing things was before. I'd go upstairs and want to lie down on the bed. Its good to just do stuff without the awful tiredness. I feel like I could make myself sick or get better.

Between

Not happy not sad, there should be mood monitors, our moods affect us too much I guess. Should try and just stay in the middle like the Buddhas middle path but my little boat keeps tipping over with the littlest things. I want someone to make it better but no one can fix your world but you really and full time happiness doesnt seem to be human condition. I want to go for a surf.

Is it me or the machine

Another bad day and a half. Night duty kicked it off dont cope with things when I get tired. Didnt get enough sleep over the two nights then I get really upset and stress about everything. Poor husband gets all the freak out I'd rather be dead etc I dont want to live dependent on this thing I feel like a cyberman (he is a big Dr Who fan) I didn't really say that I just thought of it. We watched the new Dr Who tonight.

I have to find a way to deal with this. What is hard to work out is why its so disturbing. I guess all my life I've never felt worth anything now I feel just defective and not really worth all the trouble and cost of this treatment. I think people must think I'm just a freak. I dont want to mix with people, maybe I need just a break from people. I kind of feel alright alone. Maybe I should take long service leave. To be honest too I am used to getting my own way, if I want something enough I usually get it but no matter how much I want my heart to get better it doesnt. 

  

Autumn is so nice

Its late afternoon the camellias are in flower lots of birds have been to drink. Its hot in the day and cool at night, perfect. I wanted to go for a body board but sea too flat to be bothered. We did aquarobics today , an extra one and daughter and I went to beach for coffee. Have promised the dog a walk then going to have a long soak and read more of the girl who kicked the hornets nest. Tonight the Killing is on very good Danish drama, by the makers of the Eagle and Unit One, also great. Usual messed up scheduling, we'll end up buying the DVD.

Did the ultrasound test yesterday, did they tell you its internal.....no, no lumps she said and the ca blood. I said this surveillance thing makes you feel you've failed if they don't find things. Supposed to do mammogram too I figured I have done my bit for medicine for a while. 

Today I felt almost happy (I dont want to go too far) I dont think I've felt like that for years, there was always this dull dreadful feeling behind everything, grief? the heart? depression? I dont know. But its gone. I got over them not turning the right setting, rate responsive on. It doesnt suit some people from what I've read but I feel better with it through it made me twitchy almost after all the flat heartedness. Settings make a big difference I suppose. I am reading the physiology of the electrical system of the heart. You open one book and another ten questions start. This is my quest for why, but more likely coming to terms with not knowing for sure. 

Its getting darker, daylight saving ended at easter so now its dark early go walk the dog.

Whinging whinging

I keep whinging but its getting a bit hollow I saw GP yesterday he wants a whole lot of tests done for stuff he said because you wont come back, which is true. I dont like doing all that stuff. I dont mind dying of cancer but being hacked up and poisoned first. Once you find out no one says no to it all well not till it gets too bad or ineffective. There was a good story in the paper yesterday by an author of a book called smile or die. Meaning have a positive attitude or you'll die. One idiot friend told me we didnt have seats with TV's in the plane we were on because I had doubted they would be there. Yeah I believe in a mind body connection (and even a body mind airplane connection) for sure and maybe my grief over my mother contributed to vulnerability to heart block but these things are not simple. Do we pick our personalities, to me the babies come with personalities attached, parents affect some stuff but we are ourselves from the start I think, through we are all supposed to be some grinning cheerful role model type.

Anyway he said is there anything other problems and I thought about a referral to a psycologist but just couldnt say it. Probably better to go for Buddhist lessons at the temple. I went nuts once when I was a kid I cried for 2 days straight mental breakdown I suppose. Lots of reasons but I thought if I go get help I'll just be sucked into all that mental stuff and my parents just drove me back to work. They never talked about the crying. In the end you have to heal yourself, unless you are entirely crazy. 

Supposed to be looking up if can have ultrasound with pacemaker and gardening.

Friday caesars

Three new caesars are just my limit for work. We've got new IV pumps everywhere didnt have a lecture on them of course and they never stop beeping. They are "intuitive." whatever that means. Amazing amount of money spent replacing perfectly good  previous pumps, very odd. Of all the things we need in the place. 

Have a cold now, feel like rubbish. 

Yesterday went to the pacemaker clinic I said I have problems walking up hills my pulse is still 80 at the top and I cant get my breath, is the rate response on? She said no it should have been turned on, so she put it on, the readings were ok, she gave me the print out. I only understand about 1/2 of it, so I will learn a bit more. I felt quite euphoric yesterday with  the rate response on, more connected to things, less dead and more like normal. Today I'm really tired  I dont think my heart is used to all the ups and downs. I feel so emotional again, 7 weeks of feeling not right and getting more and more unfit because some idiot doesnt do the right settings. I'm glad I rang for an early appointment it would have been another month.

I hate people at work now always trying to ask about it and I dont want to talk about it anymore especially to just people at work. I was too busy anyway. 

Some of it is paranoia but that nurse last week addressing me as pacemaker sister just made me feel such a freak. I wish no one knew, I am not going to tell anybody anymore they treat you weirdly.  I guess too we interact with the nursery and the birthing unit and the clinic so there is a big stream of people all the time. I did what my husband said just answer briefly.  

Well now is after my work days and we did aqua and my resolution to be a recluse and not tell anybody anything took a bashing as I we ran into 2 old friends at the coffee shop and I blurted all. One works in the colonoscopy clinic and she said they see heaps of people with PMs and the other said her mother had one about my age. I dont know why people think you will feel better because a bit of the herd have it. 

What really gets me about it so far in my research they know as much about iatrogenic heart block as they did when they invented bloody pacemakers, problem solved all the work goes into the solution that earns the most money. 

My family say we are really happy you had it but I am not. I dont feel like myself anymore and I am dependent on a medical and industrial establishment that I dont trust and which doesnt give a shit about me and is happy to lie about their mistakes. 

Friend with paced mother said you just have to forget its there which is right and I know she has been through a lot of sadness in her life and is still a gracious kind person. I KNOW I should be grateful but I feel forced into this by family and convention. duh rage rage, makes no difference they wont take it out. 

A thought

I just thought how brilliant it would it be if they added another function to the PM like radio with a bluetooth connection. that would be much better and I'm sure it would be a lot easier to tolerate mentally. Unfortunately daughter shot that down in flames over battery life, do you want the battery changed more frequently, nup. Should make a longer life battery but thats the sword in the stone of technology so a bit difficult. 

Had a big talk to me about learning to think of PM as me and not thinking of ripping it out all the time. Had another session in cas turned out to be minor and not PM related, I hope. Everything is a panic at the moment. 

Grey and rainy today, cooler cosy winter, soup and scones. I'd like to hibernate months of lovely dozing what do bears dream I wonder.  Of grass and fat flies. 

Rebirth even one as mild as mine is bloody painful and difficult and strange.

She bites

My first night duty since the thing, definitely tolerating it better physically. Used to think waking up after night duty was the nearest thing to death, now its a bit better. But I wonder if those shifts are part of what did my heart in, probably. At 3am I thought those bastards only put this in so I still had to come and work this bloody awful shift. 

Then one of the birthing unit nurses comes round with a lady and says to me oh the pacemaker sister, did you take one day off and come back and some other stupid question in front of the patient. I got really angry, when she'd put the patient into bed and came back down I told her I didnt appreciate her discussing my medical condition in front of a patient. She said she was just trying to be nice and I said I dont know your medical history (apart from obviously stupidity) but I'm sure if I did you wouldn't appreciate me talking about it like that. 

Do people really think its a joke I'm a joke. I dont mind people knowing in this town privacy isnt an option but I dont want to discuss it with someone I barely know. We never saw her for the rest of the night. To your friends you still feel like you but to some people I seem to be a disease. Yeah I know we do that to patients all the time. I think my co-workers got a shock, I know people think well its all good but its not it truly sucks if you think about it much. I described the wires growing into your heart to them that creeped them out. Here we'll just poke this thing into your heart and we'll leave it there the rest of your life but dont worry dont think about the stuff ups and crumby doctors you've known or the medical recalls or why the hell it happened. 

They've closed access to google on the computer at work can you believe it just like China but I found the research engine they left us access to so thats ok I'll go on with my obsessive reading about heart block. Better do wii fit walk dog go back to bed. Ah the only blessing of nights it entirely wipes your brain too tired to care. 

Not to worry too much, Default setting: cynical happy

I wrote that to my sister cause I had such a spas attack in an email to her about this piece of metal shit and the whole medical bloody world that I'm now dependent on. I cant think of anything more scary than trusting doctors, your life in their hands, bloody hell. I feel like I have to learn everything about this thing and I'm so foggy headed about tech stuff. I read about pacemaker syndrome and decided I had it so I rang the clinic to see if it was important to check out. They gave me an earlier appointment I think they'll have the straight jacket waiting, bit hysterical on the phone. Anyway course all symptoms seem better maybe just psychosomatic or the flu shot. Whatever through I really need to get a check out and a bit of reassurance. I know they think you shouldn't read stuff about what you have and all that but I cant deal with it and the only thing makes me feel a bit better about it is to know stuff. Still have trouble believing it and I resent that they put this in me, that they cant tell me what caused it and they are not interested in finding out. 

They make you feel like you are just on their production line and not human at all. Wonder if I'll get better if I sulk enough or rage enough or whinge enough or blame someone else or blame myself. That would be no. I guess I'll get used to it and forget about it most of the time.

One of my ipod buds is busted so I am going to buy another one and some wool, my daughter wants a scarf in bf's football colours and seeing its soccer thats ok. Had some bloods done yesterday the aging ones calcium vit D or K or something cholesterol etc. I swore I wasnt getting into this aged surveillance thing. yeah well

  

The seminar on bereavement

One of the birthing unit staff came around to say she'd organized a seminar on bereavement, and would more of the ward staff go, we just looked at her. I dont want to count how many of us have lost people in the last couple of years. I thought she meant at first to deal with our own grief but she meant helping the mothers with their loss of babies. Its funny isnt that you feel way less capable of counseling anyone after you have felt grief than you did before. Well I'm not really keen on counseling or the whole synthetic friendship movement. I think a dog or a cat or a friend is a better option. Not to give up on it entirely and cognitive therapy seems quite effective. I worry about the chemical storm of anti depressants we see mothers taking at work and the effects on baby brains.

Had a crappy weird feeling all day yesterday, all my glands up maybe from the flu vac also tummy upset, took some panadiene and dont feel too bad today. No there are no effects from the vaccine. Better go playing tennis thro it looks like rain

normal

Yesterday I went for a body board, only for half an hour and in fairly small surf. It was probably a bit early but I was really wanting to go into the ocean. It was good, I remember the last time I went in I felt so tired walking up the beach.

Today I went back to work, they only gave me 2 patients and said is that all right. Everyone asked me how I was, I felt like a little sensation I dont feel comfortable with the attention. It was weird too one of the booked Caesarian sections go put on the monitor and they found she had a 2nd degree heart block and she is on the cardiac ward being monitored. They were giving anyone who wanted one a flu shot so I went and had mine. We had such sick ladies last year I dont want any more illness!

Apart from all the how are you, it felt really normal to be at work and it was good to not feel that awful tiredness.

Bored with pacemakers

thats a good sign I guess I haven't googled anything about PM's today, well not yet anyway and I am starting to think I'll just have to live with vague maybe reasons for it happening. I had some good answers on the Pacemaker Club site to my questions about causes. Its difficult to deal with if you didnt feel ill really and even if you did. My friend said well its just like a hip replacement and stuff like that. It should be, my husband says theoretically  would you have thought you could get this upset about a PM. I said no, no way I would have thought it would affect me the way it has. Its been really good to read the pacemaker site because lots of people do get really upset over it. I think it is the heart bit. I was reading a review of a book by James J Lynch linking mind and body, emotional and physical states. His blood pressure studies are really interesting. 

I've thought all kind of funny things I think well I'm really dead I've felt dead because my heart is not working itself. Then I think it happened because I was grieving and I had lost all my connections to the world and my only connection was to the past, then I think from smoking years ago, my mother smoking during pregnancy, toxic substs, stress etc etc. I am such a theorist at heart I have to have a theory about everything. 

I am not crying so much now. I want to change some things through. I dont want to feel the stress I feel every time I go to work. deep breathing deep breathing.  

between the windows of the sea where lovely mermaids flow and nobody has to think too much about desolation row

      Its funny really when you are young desolation seems romantic, angst seems desirable. I liked the absurdist plays waiting for godot etc.  The real challenge turns out to be really dealing with loss and illness and getting old with cheerfulness and bravery. I went to have tea with golf friend and saw lots of the ladies from golf, they gave me kisses and best wishes and were very encouraging. I know they've been though lots of this stuff and come out swinging, so to speak. 

       Yesterday I got a bit freaked out, went to see some dancing in a very hot hall. Had a cup of tea after and a cake and felt terrible like I was going to faint or vomit. Not very heat tolerant. 

We had another hot day a week or so ago I felt awful too. I looked up the pacemaker site to see how other people tolerated hot weather. Some people did have problems with it. When you think about it your body has gone from functioning a certain way, to functioning in heart block mode to functioning with a pacemaker add to that menopause years and thats a lot of change to get used too. I'll have to remember to take some water with me and not drink hot drinks. Its like relearning your physical body plus you get anxious because you think whatever happens might be a sign that something bad is going to happen.

      Years ago at the children's hospital someone told me this story. The wonderful professor who looked after the leukemia children would give the parents his phone no to call if they had any problems (he was such a humble and nice man for the first couple of days I worked in the clinics I thought he was the cleaner). One of the mothers called in the middle of the night as she'd got very worried about spots on her child's bald head. Turned out to be mosquito bites and she thought there should be a support group you could get in touch with and not wake the prof up over the little things. Before the days of the internet they would get in touch with families newly diagnosed and give them nos to call for help and advice.

       I always learnt most of my medical stuff from patients, texts always seem so dry and generalized whereas the anecdotal stayed in my memory. Also didnt like studying.

        Anyway I was angsting about all this to my friend after we did aquarobics this morning worried that I wouldn't manage work. She said take it one day at a time and see how it goes. If its too much think about a clinic job or something. Obvious but sometimes just need someone to say it to me, plus I am not going to get in a state over little things. They have put me on a 1.30pm shift my first day back which I've told them before I cant work that time so I am going to ring and get them to change it instead of stressing about it all week as usual. Well my turn on the Wii fit.

Redwood forrest poem

In the big redwood trees I am walking in my imagination how long have you lived they whisper so slowly you can hardly hear it, humaness is close to treeness at least on our smart days.

I thought hardly at all I felt you so gentle and big like big people you ringed 

Half in love with easeful death

Today is one month and one day since I had the pacemaker in. I went to see the cardiologist. I got palpitations a bit from nerves or something. Have little panic attacks thinking I wont make it up a hill, but I do. I've read so much about heart block but  don't really know why it happened. I asked him again but he said the connective tissue can degenerate, more stuff to google. Sometimes I kind of feel that something is true but nothing feels like what happened. There is a online pacemaker club that is very good to read if a little scary about some stuff. Most things you do in life you do with your cohort school, job training, motherhood but having a PM is different. Anyway the cardiologist (aka Ed) was kind of nice and funny. He printed off some more information. 

I went to Bunnings to buy some plants which usually makes me feel better but I ended up teary all afternoon. Just adjusting to the new paradigm I guess. Its awful to say but I wouldn't have minded dying no more grief no more stress. I was so tired. Oh well looks like I get some more time. Have to be kinder. I feel better tonight. It will get better I think I was reading about Arne Larrson he had the 1st pacemaker implanted in the 50's. Interesting. I was thinking what my life would be like without it. Outside chance I might have got better but usually you get worse and become a cardiac cripple which I thought was a choice people made but now I dont think that. I'm always lucky in some weird ways. 

Back

From Canberra. I do like a couple of days there. There are nice things to do and nice restaurants and surroundings. We queued for 2 1/2hrs for the art gallery which was ridiculous but we had bought the tickets already and it was Canberra day, a public holiday in Canberra. The motel was relatively cheap, in Canberra prices seem all about whether parliament is sitting or there are big events on. So we were paid about $200 (the difference in hotel costs) to stand in the queue thought of like that not so bad. 

Oh husband just found the videos I bought for christmas presents and forgot. There is a horrible smell under the stairs ?dead lizard so he is checking taking out all the junk. 

The Paris paintings were quite amazing through it was kind of sad. The biggest crowds were around VanGogh. 

The next day we went to the Australia museum which was partly crazy sculpture mad but I liked the aboriginal stuff, particularly the way they linked past and present culture. So you can see that its still alive, especially the ladies in tasmania who make shell necklaces. There were stories of people 

happy day

Dont know why some days just feel better. The first week post PM I felt sort of euphoric maybe the painkillers and better than how I'd felt before, then this week I've been tired and a bit depressed. Like a reaction set in. But today I felt alright, normal. 

No answer fits

I am still trying to get my head around this pacemaker thing yesterday I decided that I was fine my heart was better and the pacemaker didnt need to work at all. I liked that idea it could sit there but it wasnt really necessary. You get some really funny thoughts and now I feel like I'm going to be J with the pacemaker forever. At first I was compulsively telling everyone they would say how are you and I would tell them, then the other day someone asked and I said good which I am. I thought I dont have to tell everyone.

I know more about the heart in 2 weeks than I've ever known and I am madly researching why. I thought I had it with a vagal response but my husband pointed out the error in that.  I need the medical library at work. 

We are going to Canberra to see  the art exhibition next week VanGogh and others. On monday I can take the dressing off. Wonder if I can go for a swim. Have to see what the wound looks like. There is an online pacemaker club mostly USA which I was reading. It was sort of helpful.  I miss golf a lot and body boarding and swimming. I'm glad I can still do those things in a little while. 

Guess all thats left to do is go shopping

Went to meet 2 friends for lunch and some shopping. Walked around all afternoon successfully bought some shorts, a top, pants, sandals, 2 rings and some ear rings my little celebration of being alive. Last night I got upset I thought they'd put the pacemaker in unnecessarily pacemaker salesmen now I was a customer for life, a captured market. In the light of day that seems a bit paranoid. Nothing like feeling better to think you didn't need treatment. 

Unbelievable

This whole week but I guess someone has to get stuff. I was talking to a medical student about illness. I said I think people have scenarios of illness in their mind but I didn't imagine heart block at all. But I was crap at cardiac stuff could never get my head around ECGs so I didn't have a clue. The rest of the week became a big research project because I wanted to know why it happened. I haven't read a lot of the real academic stuff more the general information. The only thing the specialist said was old age, which didn't explain much. My LMO said he thought infection could do it and its associated with having rheumatoid  arthritis which I think I have but not too badly. 

Still I am very lucky to be treated quickly and well and without cost. I am getting used to the idea of a pacemaker always there and its better than being as exercise intolerant as I was getting. My golf was getting very crappy. I cant play golf for 6 weeks and I cant swim for 2 weeks or tennis.  Of all the heart conditions this one is pretty treatable. 

I wish I knew what caused it. I thought it had been happening for a while but maybe not. Its hard to remember. 

Complete Block

Sunday just a bit of a daze, barely any sleep dozing in between visits from family and my ward staff. Doctor back to ask if I'd decided to have the pacemaker.  Then he came back again after looking at my ECG and said there is no choice its 3rd degree heart block and I had to have the pacemaker on monday. Asked my husband to come in on his own so I could talk to him about the pacemaker and ask him what he thinks, and give him advice about coping without me in case, he didn't take the bossing around from the prospective grave well. Said not to talk about that they will manage. He went to work and the kids came later.

Asked the nurse if I should fast but she said I probably wouldn't get done tomorrow, I wasn't on the list and the list was full. I was kind of relieved messaged husband. 

On monday saw the registrar she said they'd do an angiogram and check the heart, I thought good then she said the specialist said no I didnt need one, then someone came to take me for an angiogram. Everything looked normal unlike patient staff communications. Through perhaps confused is normal.I came back and got a cup of tea but I asked the nurse if I could drink it. She found out I was going for the pacemaker. I felt like I was in a flooded creek just swept along I felt sick from nerves and I didnt want to tell anyone. They put up some IVI antibiotics and I listened to some classical music. I thought they would give me some sedation but they didnt. I felt so upset but the nurses where really nice. 

The procedure was quite painful but it didnt take very long but it was quite an awful feeling of something going into your heart. As usual what staff will tell patients is painless was quite painful and emotionally very disturbing. Mostly through you never find that out till you are on the other side. 

After the pacemaker they lost interest in me off the monitor and fewer obs and less worried glances. In the morning the pacemaker adjusted, pharmacist seen, doctor seen then off home. To feel very odd and tell this story about 50 times. Have walked 2 hills successfully, I didnt realize how wary I'd become when exercising and I've lost a lot of fitness.

Saturday

I dont know when someone said I had 2nd degree heart block  and I didnt know what that meant really. The ward nurse changed the leads to the top of my shoulders saying if you have a pacemaker they wont do it if the skin is mucky because of the leads. I just looked at her pacemaker? thats extreme. Later the heart physician came around and said my thyroid was a bit low and they would put me on some thyroxin. Ok I thought thats whats caused the bradycardia no he says its not that low it wouldn't have caused that you have 2nd degree heart block you have to decide if you want a pacemaker. Then he outlined the procedure and how good the heart surgeon is, I said do I really need that, I think I was in shock, dont interrupt he said and continued the prepared speech. If you dont have one and you go home and collapse you wont be able to drive for 3 months.

I felt like Alice down the rabbit hole what was this world where they suggested sticking wires in my perfectly well if a little slow heart. I rang my husband to print off some info and asked one of the nurses for something about my condition. She gave me a folder written for a five year old but my husband and wiki came through with the basic stuff. The only answer for why they gave me was old age. Actually when I read the info I could see where they were coming from, what seemed strange to me was so obvious to them they couldnt explain properly. There is no other treatment than pacing. You can diagnose the condition definitively on ECG and according to the echogram and the enzyme? studies I hadn't had a heart attack. 

Through the night the girls said I had gone into complete heart block for 35mins and they were thinking of waking me. The lit said 2nd degree can progress rapidly to 3rd degree or complete block. I'm glad they didnt that was probably all the sleep I got. 

Whats wrong

I went to work on friday night feeling not well but not knowing exactly why. I knew my pulse was weirdly low and  I was feeling really tired and even walking down the corridor made me feel exhausted . I thought is my hemoglobin low, is my thyroid not functioning properly, am I getting asthma or old age, tiredness from playing golf for two days. I was taking vitamins and trying to do more fitness work. 

I got my mums sorted a bit and then did my blood pressure and pulse on the machine. My BP was ok as usual but my pulse was 45 I said to one of the girls do you think they would be worried about that in A&E. She said she thinks they'd admit you with that pulse. We decided that I should go to cas and get them to call me when they can see me. I went down and they triaged me and took me into one of the beds next minute they took blood put a cannula in, did an ECG and put me on a monitor. It was weird actually watching my pulse of 45 the nurse said stop watching it and turned the monitor away. There was a little parade of doctors I told my story to of vague symptoms a couple of colds breathlessness and feeling faint but not actually fainting. I think the first thing I noticed was getting breathless going up a small hill and having to stop to get my breath. They said they were going to admit me. I wanted to go and move my car but they wouldnt let me. I was trying to figure out what to do about the car. I cant remember what they said about the slow heart rate. It just felt really strange to be there but a relief too I was so tired of worrying about what was wrong now it was somebody elses worry so I just dozed on and off. I rang the girls on the ward to tell them what was happening and rang home. At 5am they moved me onto the cardiac step down ward and put me on a monitor. The girls came up from the ward and took my car home which was really nice of them. 

much ado

Just having a nothing much doing day watching stock market going down reading food blogs and the girl with the dragon tattoo. computers are time wasters I guess could be cleaning well gardening anyway. Back veranda still a nightmare of stuff of Mums that I find hard to get rid of. All sentimental. We are quiet at work I thought because of GFC but the others laughed and said most of the Mums wouldnt have heard of it. We dont have the brightest demographic I admit but then I was barely aware of world economy buried in motherhood, barely aware of my toes. 

Big puzzle was girl with retained urine. I've never seen this problem before much but we have had a couple now. They either cant void at all or they just void small amounts and retain heaps. We thought she was ok but when we did a bladder scan she had a lot retained and then put the catheter back in there was 3L she went home with a catheter in  and follow up. I did some reading but it all looks pretty vague. Seems to just cure itself the trouble is we get no feedback so you never know the outcomes of these things. Academic papers are ok but somehow anecdotal teaches you the fine details. Someone dug out a four page protocol of urine retention I had a bit of a look at it but it was a bit much to take in, must have another look later. 

Talked to one of the Dads he's one of the IT guys in the health service, yeap he said they change programs all the time but dont worry he said in a couple of years they will buy new programs and change it completely, how reassuring. I hope the patients are happy to look after themselves cause we will be looking after the computers. Does it make our job easier? one step forward 2 steps back the IT guy said the trouble is they dont consult the people using it. Yep. Maybe its me I'm just too old and inexperienced with computers to be comfortable with this stuff. What gets me through is the equipment in the place broken down machines not enough and I stuck a stethoscope in my ear the cover of an ear piece missing ow. They've bought these awful no doubt cheap heel prick things whats the official name? I had to prick the babys heel so many times to do the newborn screening test, some saving. You watch those medical shows drooling over the beautiful equipment. You get the feeling of being so isolated with the actual patients and this whole edifice of health bureaucracy making decisions. But who cares anymore, not them and not me, 

Oh heck I managed to make the writing bigger tech achievement but can I turn it back.