Is it me or the machine

Another bad day and a half. Night duty kicked it off dont cope with things when I get tired. Didnt get enough sleep over the two nights then I get really upset and stress about everything. Poor husband gets all the freak out I'd rather be dead etc I dont want to live dependent on this thing I feel like a cyberman (he is a big Dr Who fan) I didn't really say that I just thought of it. We watched the new Dr Who tonight.

I have to find a way to deal with this. What is hard to work out is why its so disturbing. I guess all my life I've never felt worth anything now I feel just defective and not really worth all the trouble and cost of this treatment. I think people must think I'm just a freak. I dont want to mix with people, maybe I need just a break from people. I kind of feel alright alone. Maybe I should take long service leave. To be honest too I am used to getting my own way, if I want something enough I usually get it but no matter how much I want my heart to get better it doesnt.