A tank

Aquarobics, a shower, laps at the pool and another shower had to stop myself having a bath, maybe I just need a big warm tank of water to live in. Almost went for a bodyboard but it looked a bit grey in the afternoon. Anyway my brain feels washed clean. 

wash out

Not really time for this was supposed to play 18 holes in a team event today didnt sleep much so nervous about it. Golf was where I felt the worst before so I dont know how I'll go. I've been playing 9 holes on the short course and that is ok. I've been reading about the PM reducing the ejection fraction of the left ventricle so I dont know that you are ever fully fit with it again. The system is so complicated they would prefer you to just mushroom it. oops better go on nights yuck I hope i manage to stay out of A&E.

To Hep B or not to Hep B

I had Hep b vac years ago. After it I had a chronic fatigue and got arthritis. I thought I must have glandular fever and I went to get a blood test, the doctor said my white cells were abnormal but it wasnt glandular fever. He wasnt interested in finding out what it was, in fact he was quite nasty and acted as if I was just trying to get sick leave. Anyway the fatigue got better, well less severe, hard to tell as I had kids so was tired all the time anyway. I had sore joints since then sometimes worse than others. I never talked to a doctor about it till they were trying to make me have another Hep b vac and I said I wouldnt have another one. The doctor was quite nice I said the hep b vaccination I felt had given me arthritis and also it was from donated blood from people with hep b which always worried me but I could never find anything about it. He said I probably didnt need it as I was probably still immune, he did a blood test and I was still immune. 

When I was having my children they didnt give babies hep b vac, now my daughter has had to have it to do nursing. We give the babies it now with parents permission ?informed consent. Its funny to be part of this system which introduces treatments which we are expected to advocate with no education ourselves. I dont understand why they give it to babies whose immune system is very immature. I have been reading about but it doesnt make much difference as nurses just have to toe the medical line. Leave your own beliefs at the door! which is fair enough in some ways. The problems of continuing education, through we get the endless fire lectures!

I asked the cardiologist if I had an auto-immune disorder which could have caused the heart block he said no you haven't got that but didnt say why, another question for next time. I dont think he is right I think I have rheumatoid arthritis last year it was really bad, pain storms. I dont know if there is much treatment for it but I'm tired of the soreness.

afternoon

Bit calmer been to town and bought a nice knitting book. Good things happen too daughter got drivers license and is happier than in a while. Sister has bought a sweet little house and I am so happy for that as she is working overseas and I worry about her security as she gets older. She is really pleased with it her first house. We will have to do a lot of the paperwork but I am happy to do that. Its in a great position and she will rent it out till she comes back permanently. The pool is open again at the uni and we are swimming laps and the sea has been so warm till this week and I've been body boarding. Youngest did first prac at POW and loves it poor kid another nurse but we are proud of her. Five days and she is talking the language. 

I read Carlos Castaneda's the wheel of time like they do bible studies, the lesson of the day: "there is no completeness without sadness and longing, for without them there is no sobriety, no kindness. Wisdom without kindness and knowledge without sobriety are useless." 

I know I want to be miserable and angry  I want to never talk to people again but I am lousy at 

it I forget to be unhappy. Oh yeah and its Bob Dylans birthday, happy birthday Bob.

So glad

I am not at work today, someone said there must be a full moon you can feel the storm brewing at work, we had one bed left last evening a new caesar being done and three booked C/S coming in to be done this morning with no beds for them and the birthing unit was filling up. They've banned overtime again, getting staff is a constant juggling act taking up much senior time (employed these two little ladies to do these jobs but they are often busy at lunch). We had a shit of a shift, bleeding girl, kid went into labour screaming swearing truck her off to birthing unit quickly, 2 other ill-assessed pregnant girls dumped on us from BU. Everywhere no time, no beds, no staff. More infections, other illnesses and then the general patients, we are now designated gynae as well. Some idiot mother from a couple of weeks ago rings up I want to send a card do you know A.. describes her, I said I cant give you staff names over the phone and I don't know who you mean anyway, well do you know ... on and on it went, do they go deaf. Got to laugh. 

Nobody asked me anything about my health, which was really good because I had decided to walk out if anyone said anything. I have a policy of not discussing anything about that shit heart thing with them. Its better dont want to think about it at work, dont want to be the freak with the shit box in me. I hate it so much, wish I'd died dont see that ever changing but when I'm busy I forget about it then some creep says in front of a crowd of people hows the pacer (our charge sister) its like getting knifed. Nobody and I do mean nobody gets how I feel except people online with them. Old men seem to deal with it best they seem to like machinery and being inorganic, it fascinates them. I hate it, it is so creepy so inhuman. They tell you to tell your dentist etc about it but I am never telling anyone again, I dont care what happens, they just treat you weird and you feel bad again. I research and research but there are no answers. I hate medicine for inventing this shit box but not finding why in me or anyone. Everyone wants you to be glad for this extra non-life and I hate it. I have never felt very good about myself but now its like trying to construct your life from dead tissue. Like being a zombie who knows they are a zombie. I have to stop talking to family about it because they get upset. What I look forward to is getting a deadly disease and then getting them to remove it then for a little while I'll feel human again.  Not just turning it off but taking it out. That will be really good. 

I do things still play golf and swim and all the stuff but it is hollow and then you have to hide how you feel so they dont feel bad. 

The satin bower bird flew across the front veranda. He has a regular route through the back veranda around the side of the house between the car and the wall and past me sitting here and into the camilla tree. I suppose building bowers on the ground he has to be good at low flying through an obstacle course. He has this personality you feel of a determined obsessive collector and arranger of the bird world. All the pieces he collects for his bower have to be blue, the colour of his beautiful eyes. He makes a lot of loud weird noises, nothing nightingale about him. 

Nice day we did aquarobics and breakfast sunday pretty good. 

One horrible shift at work me in charge and all casuals. Then the NUM says in front of everyone at the desk hows the pacer, I should have walked then I said I dont talk about it. She is such a creep, lazy incompetent. The only thing she is good at is not buying any equipment or finding any staff. Shes been in that position for over 40yrs, well she did rubbish management for a while but they dumped her back. I wish I'd walked out would have saved myself one crap evening. Very sick patient I had no time for, then ICU liaison comes around to tell me I should be doing another treatment that I have no time to do. He introduced himself and shook my hand (so I didnt hit him?). I said that is not what the doctors have ordered well they should have  he says, duh I can only do what I'm ordered to do. Supposed to be moved to general ward, getting beyond mid they'd spent all evening saying not yet. ICU did the useful at least went up to see what the hold up was (they dont want her) and low and behold they took her in a very sulky and no interest way. I didnt care so relieved,  another disaster passed down the system . I wouldnt say she was a one on one probably a one on two or three and I had 6 plus 3 babies and the rest of the ward. Then I somehow inherit the patients of the girl working the 1pm shift. 

Things dont have much meaning to me but work is a distraction.

4 out of 10

I need more quietness and rest, less doctor visits and obligations. More swims in the ocean

Less monitoring my moods The joke is now having mentioned to a few people I feel depressed about the heart thing I get asked about that when I feel ok or am not thinking about it. 

It was kind of unbearable for a while, cant even explain how bad like something so bad pushing into everything. Awful, you don't want to be alive anymore. I tried to make my heart stop. Its not really depression or anxiety, it was like mental pain. Its not gone but its subsided. Someone said the tiredness of the heart problem is not like other tiredness the depression of the heart is I think not like other depression.  

When your heart goes from 2nd degree block to complete block there is a gap where your heart stops for a number of seconds before a secondary pacemaker takes over, if it takes over, if it doesn't thats how you die from heart block. So you have been dead for a little while at least a few times. 

another day

Crying again yesterday. Feel like I have to fake everything laughing and talking. This whole life feels fake. Dont know if depressed or just rational. Just make the rounds to please people. But no one cares really. Well family do but I feel dead or should be dead. Can't see how to feel better, how to feel anything. Some people get anxious but I'm not, feel well but not right. They say on the pacemaker club you will feel better but I cant see it, it just feels like a deadness all the time and real dead would be a big relief. Mothers day today. 

You want to just take off and find another place to be but unfortunately  you'd have to take yourself. I am sick of life being so difficult.