Christmas

Its late christmas is over. Now its lay about time and eat chocolates. I am knitting some mittens for my daughter because she is going snow boarding in Japan next month and a pair of socks for a late christmas present. We've been to the beach most days and I've been body boarding, the waves have been good, not too big. The weather is still nuts sunny rainy hot cold all in one day. 

It was kind of weird because I felt uneasy all christmas then I remembered I dont like it much. You are supposed to like it and the kids love it and there are things I've come to enjoy but when we were children christmas was angry mother day. I dont know why but my mother became so stressed about cooking dinner she would yell at us all day. Also my father died a week before Christmas. I think they should call it stressful family day. It went alright sort of  except for my little tantrum which I am too ashamed to talk about. oh well, one day I might grow up. 

vale our tree

When I started high school there was a rule only 4 girls were allowed up a tree. I live across the road from my old high school and we drove past yesterday as men were loading pieces of the thunk from our tree into a truck. It was a turpentine tree, rough bark and a smelly sticky gum. it has woody seeds that we would collect and throw at neighboring tree dwellers.  To climb it you had to hold a small branch, walk up the trunk till you put your legs over another branch and pushed up till you grabbed a high branch and climbed into the middle of the trunk or stayed sitting on the big branch. I remember starting school and walking past the tree with some girls up it and asking if I could climb up. The four of us became a group we invented nicknames. One of them is still my best friend, the other two I haven't seen since school. I think we could only climb that tree in first year after that we moved to an easier tree, one of the small leaf figs. 

There was a whole row of those turpentines planted along the boundary of the school. the grounds are now part of the botanical gardens and they removed the turpentines as they said they were coming to the end of their life, which was strange as they all looked fine. You have to get lot of permissions to remove trees but institutions just take them down. I guess no one was going to argue about it as turpentines are not the prettiest trees but they are  native and a dull colour but I liked them a lot especially the smell of them. I'm going to go and look at where the tree was, they are probably going to expand the car park, see if I can find its seeds and try to grow them. Oh well better wrap some presents it looks like rain again.

Feeding the fish mosquitos

Thats my fun at the moment. The fish which we think is a fighting fish from Thailand ? maybe and is a beautiful blue with lots of wavy fins. My daughter gave it to her boyfriend (definitely in the most stupid gift ever category). He went away and gave it back to her to mind, then she went away and left it for me to mind.  The poor thing is in a vase with nothing in it except water, it eats other fish so it cant have a companion so I put a rock at the bottom which it is quite interested in. It has fish feed but I thought it probably eats insects so if I squash a mosquito I give it to him/her to eat. I am considering going to a pet shop buying a bigger bowl and seeing if it can tolerate another fish. This may be going too far, I dropped the fish on the floor when I was changing the water, do fish get broken bones?

My eldest daughter graduated last week what a thrill I dont like ceremonies much, didn't go to mine (why handheld games were invented I think) but the Dean of Arts gave a very apt speech saying how she had always made fun of graduations to her daughter consequence daughter didn't attend her own grad or tell mother about it. Mother very mad. It is not the ceremony it is the meaning of it the long years of learning and support and love it takes to bring up a child. 

I applied for the mental health course too and have an acknowledgment back, I can trace my application, like an ipod coming from China. I am pessimistic about getting in so if I dont get in I might apply for masters of arts and do some more history instead. Its expensive but I dont care much about travel so that can be my big trip. 

Waiting for my sister to wake up she got back from Saudi yesterday for christmas. I'm really pleased to see her and we went to see her house which she liked. 

Poetry

I looked in the mirror and said I wasnt supposed to get old, I was supposed to have written the great poetry have died young and beautiful like John Keats. But of course he didnt want to die and it was a horrible death in Rome. My husband said there is still time to write the poetry. If you could just remember what you think for more than 10 minutes and if you took anything you think seriously any more. I am tired, running around the tennis court and I went for a surf plus our christmas lunch too much food. 

The beautiful daughters are looking at snow boards.  Lucky things. 

holiday

Yippee yippee off for christmas hot weather swimming at the rock pool with lovely happy daughter, pancakes for breakfast with strawberries, ordered the christmas meat rack of pork chops extra crackling, free range chook, bacon 1/2 ham. Champers and NZ sav blanc lovely ordered. Sent out email christmas cards and send gift pack to his relations. Christmas organized. tennis party tomorrow, golf lady chrissy party tuesday old ladies dancing! Going to uni to see about enrolling in masters of nursing (mental health). Knitting socks. 

Waiting really sometimes you just have to wait out feeling bad. Sometimes you get sick of it and you think you will never feel better but you nearly always do. I have just a little hope that I wont feel dead all the time.

grrrrrr

I bad bad went to the cardiologist and vented big time, I said I dont like this going to doctors it makes me feel bad, you dont investigate anything you dont know anything how could something kill a piece of your heart and not have other effects seems unlikely. He said is it me, no I said, you seem very angry and depressed are you suicidal. I said yes I was but I dont think about it so much now and anyway you cant kill yourself because it would upset your children so much. plus there is much more chance of them doing it too. Funny that you think its ok for you but not ok for them. Anyway Don Juan says dying is easy and living is the challenge. I hate the bastards that made this machine.   

He is so funny the cardiologist he is as aspergers as. Watching him trying to be concerned about me when I walked in he didnt remember who I was he said reading the file oh you have a pacemaker with a big surprised voice I thought stuff you, you react like the rest of the world the mixture of repulsion and fascination that could turn me into a serial killer. I never tell any body now and I dont talk about it. my husband is afraid to mention it. He doesnt know I went to see the doctor. the doc said we'll do an ECG I said why, what are you looking for, oh well he said you just had a check up, so he didnt. He refered me to some psychologist that will see me as a favour to him, he said do you think you'll go I said no.

I said how often do you see patients like me he said he didnt they had follow ups at the clinic, so ends that no more appointments with him and stuff the clinic too. Useless. I think oh I shouldn't have annoyed him but I dont care he doesnt know anything and he doesnt even know who I am. 

Now I have to forget again and get over it all again.  

Thats 3 days ago and I'm still stressing over it but I will have to see the cardiac surgeon who did the operation if  I ever go to doctors again at least he understands the machine.  I didnt like him much they are all too busy to answer your questions and much too busy to give a shit unless your Elvis and see what caring does. Their only answer seems to be another drug.

One day at work then I'm on holidays. I go to work thinking if anyone says anything that upsets me I'm going home. I didnt think that until I noticed I wasnt thinking it progress ?maybe. 

Its the day at golf yesterday with the lovely ladies. I played with an 79 year old who top scored with 2 others they are so brave, lost husbands friends been ill and come out kind and good golfers. 

I suppose

I'm still a nurse through the relationship is very strained so I'll say my little piece about the unions champaign of one nurse to four patients. This is the mandated ratio in Victoria and has been for 9 years ( seems strange NSW union has finally got on to campaigning for it). Our union rep asked me rather aggressively if I was attending the rally in Sydney I said I am not a member of the union as I think they are a questionable bunch in collusion with the labour party most of the time, the president buying uniforms out of union money for his daughters sports team, oh says the rep the union got a lot of publicity out of that yeah, the front pages of the paper, it was a clear conflict of interest. 

Maybe you better watch what you say he  says, or what I thought you'll get rid of me bring it it on. I've never seen the union go into bat for anyone under the level of a unit manager and why on earth are ordinary nurses in the same union as managers. They are all nurses he says I said their interests are not the same as ours and they dominate the union. You've taken the wage rises he says. I didnt get to say the next bit to  him he is too macho to go at too much and too  angry by then I am such a wordy smartie. But wage rises ever since I've been nursing have been catch ups. Nurses fall behind for years then the union elections are due and they start some campaign or other usually for wages but this time they've gone for staff ratios. Thats full circle because guess what next year is the union election, see the pattern here. Meanwhile aged care nurses more and more behind in wages a couple of weeks trained "carers" handing out meds in nursing homes  and just try and get the union to act on your behalf they dont even act in criminal  charges. So paying all that money for Bretts daughters uniforms and conference talk feasts etc doesnt really seem worth it. My husband was a union rep for a while whenever he tried to raise issues with the union there was no response.