Enlightenment

I bought a book by the Dalai Lama about the Buddhist path to enlightenment or something I figure if he cant make me feel better no one can. Corse its all about selflessness and serving others unlike those totally stupid ads "its all about you." I think humans need selflessness to survive all the crap we dish up to ourselves and to make us feel worth while. When I  was young I was totally messed up the product of two messed up people then I did nursing which is compulsory selflessness. Between exhaustion and life and death stuff you forget your issues a fair bit and I just loved it, I used to get surprised that they paid us (tho not much). There is so much sweetness in people, in people you wouldnt look twice at you help them a bit and they are so grateful and it makes you feel worth a bit. Crying again thinking of the girl we looked after last night bleeding after delivery we were so worried and she was reassuring everyone, I hope she went ok. 

The clinic person nailed me again sent out a letter with an appointment in 6 months, go away I think just go away and leave me alone. On the bright side maybe I'll be dead by then and not have to go. I'm totally exhausted, there is a little progression change settings, exhilaration because you have more response then you get worn out because things are different again and your body has to adjust again. Also night duty I just cant take being so tired. The big black hasn't gone put it feels contained it doesn't feel unbearable like before. 

I'm going to make a nice dinner hamburgers with mushrooms and cheese yum yum, I wish i had swiss cheese oh well then I'm going to watch David Attenborough non human life is refreshing. and go back to bed. One more night, no more blood please.