Not to worry too much, Default setting: cynical happy

I wrote that to my sister cause I had such a spas attack in an email to her about this piece of metal shit and the whole medical bloody world that I'm now dependent on. I cant think of anything more scary than trusting doctors, your life in their hands, bloody hell. I feel like I have to learn everything about this thing and I'm so foggy headed about tech stuff. I read about pacemaker syndrome and decided I had it so I rang the clinic to see if it was important to check out. They gave me an earlier appointment I think they'll have the straight jacket waiting, bit hysterical on the phone. Anyway course all symptoms seem better maybe just psychosomatic or the flu shot. Whatever through I really need to get a check out and a bit of reassurance. I know they think you shouldn't read stuff about what you have and all that but I cant deal with it and the only thing makes me feel a bit better about it is to know stuff. Still have trouble believing it and I resent that they put this in me, that they cant tell me what caused it and they are not interested in finding out. 

They make you feel like you are just on their production line and not human at all. Wonder if I'll get better if I sulk enough or rage enough or whinge enough or blame someone else or blame myself. That would be no. I guess I'll get used to it and forget about it most of the time.

One of my ipod buds is busted so I am going to buy another one and some wool, my daughter wants a scarf in bf's football colours and seeing its soccer thats ok. Had some bloods done yesterday the aging ones calcium vit D or K or something cholesterol etc. I swore I wasnt getting into this aged surveillance thing. yeah well

  

The seminar on bereavement

One of the birthing unit staff came around to say she'd organized a seminar on bereavement, and would more of the ward staff go, we just looked at her. I dont want to count how many of us have lost people in the last couple of years. I thought she meant at first to deal with our own grief but she meant helping the mothers with their loss of babies. Its funny isnt that you feel way less capable of counseling anyone after you have felt grief than you did before. Well I'm not really keen on counseling or the whole synthetic friendship movement. I think a dog or a cat or a friend is a better option. Not to give up on it entirely and cognitive therapy seems quite effective. I worry about the chemical storm of anti depressants we see mothers taking at work and the effects on baby brains.

Had a crappy weird feeling all day yesterday, all my glands up maybe from the flu vac also tummy upset, took some panadiene and dont feel too bad today. No there are no effects from the vaccine. Better go playing tennis thro it looks like rain

normal

Yesterday I went for a body board, only for half an hour and in fairly small surf. It was probably a bit early but I was really wanting to go into the ocean. It was good, I remember the last time I went in I felt so tired walking up the beach.

Today I went back to work, they only gave me 2 patients and said is that all right. Everyone asked me how I was, I felt like a little sensation I dont feel comfortable with the attention. It was weird too one of the booked Caesarian sections go put on the monitor and they found she had a 2nd degree heart block and she is on the cardiac ward being monitored. They were giving anyone who wanted one a flu shot so I went and had mine. We had such sick ladies last year I dont want any more illness!

Apart from all the how are you, it felt really normal to be at work and it was good to not feel that awful tiredness.

Bored with pacemakers

thats a good sign I guess I haven't googled anything about PM's today, well not yet anyway and I am starting to think I'll just have to live with vague maybe reasons for it happening. I had some good answers on the Pacemaker Club site to my questions about causes. Its difficult to deal with if you didnt feel ill really and even if you did. My friend said well its just like a hip replacement and stuff like that. It should be, my husband says theoretically  would you have thought you could get this upset about a PM. I said no, no way I would have thought it would affect me the way it has. Its been really good to read the pacemaker site because lots of people do get really upset over it. I think it is the heart bit. I was reading a review of a book by James J Lynch linking mind and body, emotional and physical states. His blood pressure studies are really interesting. 

I've thought all kind of funny things I think well I'm really dead I've felt dead because my heart is not working itself. Then I think it happened because I was grieving and I had lost all my connections to the world and my only connection was to the past, then I think from smoking years ago, my mother smoking during pregnancy, toxic substs, stress etc etc. I am such a theorist at heart I have to have a theory about everything. 

I am not crying so much now. I want to change some things through. I dont want to feel the stress I feel every time I go to work. deep breathing deep breathing.  

between the windows of the sea where lovely mermaids flow and nobody has to think too much about desolation row

      Its funny really when you are young desolation seems romantic, angst seems desirable. I liked the absurdist plays waiting for godot etc.  The real challenge turns out to be really dealing with loss and illness and getting old with cheerfulness and bravery. I went to have tea with golf friend and saw lots of the ladies from golf, they gave me kisses and best wishes and were very encouraging. I know they've been though lots of this stuff and come out swinging, so to speak. 

       Yesterday I got a bit freaked out, went to see some dancing in a very hot hall. Had a cup of tea after and a cake and felt terrible like I was going to faint or vomit. Not very heat tolerant. 

We had another hot day a week or so ago I felt awful too. I looked up the pacemaker site to see how other people tolerated hot weather. Some people did have problems with it. When you think about it your body has gone from functioning a certain way, to functioning in heart block mode to functioning with a pacemaker add to that menopause years and thats a lot of change to get used too. I'll have to remember to take some water with me and not drink hot drinks. Its like relearning your physical body plus you get anxious because you think whatever happens might be a sign that something bad is going to happen.

      Years ago at the children's hospital someone told me this story. The wonderful professor who looked after the leukemia children would give the parents his phone no to call if they had any problems (he was such a humble and nice man for the first couple of days I worked in the clinics I thought he was the cleaner). One of the mothers called in the middle of the night as she'd got very worried about spots on her child's bald head. Turned out to be mosquito bites and she thought there should be a support group you could get in touch with and not wake the prof up over the little things. Before the days of the internet they would get in touch with families newly diagnosed and give them nos to call for help and advice.

       I always learnt most of my medical stuff from patients, texts always seem so dry and generalized whereas the anecdotal stayed in my memory. Also didnt like studying.

        Anyway I was angsting about all this to my friend after we did aquarobics this morning worried that I wouldn't manage work. She said take it one day at a time and see how it goes. If its too much think about a clinic job or something. Obvious but sometimes just need someone to say it to me, plus I am not going to get in a state over little things. They have put me on a 1.30pm shift my first day back which I've told them before I cant work that time so I am going to ring and get them to change it instead of stressing about it all week as usual. Well my turn on the Wii fit.

Redwood forrest poem

In the big redwood trees I am walking in my imagination how long have you lived they whisper so slowly you can hardly hear it, humaness is close to treeness at least on our smart days.

I thought hardly at all I felt you so gentle and big like big people you ringed 

Half in love with easeful death

Today is one month and one day since I had the pacemaker in. I went to see the cardiologist. I got palpitations a bit from nerves or something. Have little panic attacks thinking I wont make it up a hill, but I do. I've read so much about heart block but  don't really know why it happened. I asked him again but he said the connective tissue can degenerate, more stuff to google. Sometimes I kind of feel that something is true but nothing feels like what happened. There is a online pacemaker club that is very good to read if a little scary about some stuff. Most things you do in life you do with your cohort school, job training, motherhood but having a PM is different. Anyway the cardiologist (aka Ed) was kind of nice and funny. He printed off some more information. 

I went to Bunnings to buy some plants which usually makes me feel better but I ended up teary all afternoon. Just adjusting to the new paradigm I guess. Its awful to say but I wouldn't have minded dying no more grief no more stress. I was so tired. Oh well looks like I get some more time. Have to be kinder. I feel better tonight. It will get better I think I was reading about Arne Larrson he had the 1st pacemaker implanted in the 50's. Interesting. I was thinking what my life would be like without it. Outside chance I might have got better but usually you get worse and become a cardiac cripple which I thought was a choice people made but now I dont think that. I'm always lucky in some weird ways. 

Back

From Canberra. I do like a couple of days there. There are nice things to do and nice restaurants and surroundings. We queued for 2 1/2hrs for the art gallery which was ridiculous but we had bought the tickets already and it was Canberra day, a public holiday in Canberra. The motel was relatively cheap, in Canberra prices seem all about whether parliament is sitting or there are big events on. So we were paid about $200 (the difference in hotel costs) to stand in the queue thought of like that not so bad. 

Oh husband just found the videos I bought for christmas presents and forgot. There is a horrible smell under the stairs ?dead lizard so he is checking taking out all the junk. 

The Paris paintings were quite amazing through it was kind of sad. The biggest crowds were around VanGogh. 

The next day we went to the Australia museum which was partly crazy sculpture mad but I liked the aboriginal stuff, particularly the way they linked past and present culture. So you can see that its still alive, especially the ladies in tasmania who make shell necklaces. There were stories of people