Christmas Day over and nice but sad. The first Christmas wihout my mother. My daughters were wonderful and helped with doing things and made it fun, we really liked the Wii it was good fun. We got Wii fit and it was a good workout which we needed after the dinner. I should eat nothing till next christmas. Made a roast chichen and a small roast pork. The best thing was Nigella Lawsons trifle from her summer cookbook. It has Lemonciello as the liquor in it it is so nice.
Theatened the kids with antipasto for christmas dinner which would have been good but they really like the traditional dinner. My nicest present was from my husband a pig, it made me cry it goes to a village in the Solomans. He gave my sister a goat that goes to Ethiopia. I think that is a lovely present. I've always wanted a pig, probably a theoretical one works best. Dont think my farming ability is very good.

Decided on presents the Wii for everyone and ipods for a couple that havent got them. Had a lovely aquarobics this morning and our teacher made us a morning tea, tiramasu cake and Italian pastries that destroyed the effect but it was lovely. They wanted me to work the night instead of the afternoon but no thats tomorrow written off so I said no. People spend hours on the phone finding people. Some politician announced they had solved the nursing shortage thru. They made an announcement that they had cancelled some trained nurse positions and are replacing them with ENs in country hospitals, Arguing that lots of country hospitals operate as aged care homes. My sister said one of her tutors believed they should abolish EN training (god knows what she'd think of AINs) on the grounds that people wouldnt tolerate !/2 trained doctors why should they have 1/2 trained nurses.
I dont think it means much to be a nurse now all that work and study and some couple of week trained person is called a nurse.
Then they want the trained nurses to be responsible for what the ENs do but how do you check up on people, there isnt the time.
The assumption that people in aged care need less trained staff is pretty stupid as the people in nursing homes often have lots of health problems that are quite complicated and difficult to manage. I really wish I had done another career one that was valued.
Everything is just about money but sometimes quality care is cheaper in the long run.
Oh well I guess lots of people wonder if their job meant anything at the end of the day. I kind of always hope something else will come along like Frank Lloyd Wright his career really kicked off at 60. Course he did have a talent, I havent discovered one yet.

Well we have had a medical adventure from the patient side, Daughter working in a restaurant slipped carrying plates fell and cut her hand blood spurting everywhere, chaos in the kitchen, hauled off by ambulance to local A&E I was rung went down to pick her up. Doctor says he thinks there is nerve damage she will have to go to Sydney hospital to get it repaired. We came home and took her to the hand clinic next day, Calmly the nurse taking dressing down in the clinic, then blood everywhere spurting out of her hand like a horror movie, maybe 500mls before they coud get it stopped. I was amazed, she told me it had bleed a lot but this was so dangerous I couldn't believe they had sent her home like that. Operation in the afternoon, she had a cut along the main artery where it branched in two, that's why the bleeding wouldn't stop, normally the artery would contract stopping the bleeding. She also 1/2 severed a nerve which they repaired. I hoped she'd come home that night but she wasnt well enough and they wanted her to stay for obs and IV antibiotics. It was interesting to see another hospital in the group. I was quite envious all their beds were electric, ours are operated by winding up and down. Even the mattresses are thicker and they had so much new equipment and staff. And their TVs are free our patients have to pay for them. Still rent is cheaper here. They were very good through I wish they wouldnt load drug on drug she felt really sick from them all. Now having just panadol and seems enough. Despite the polypharmacy they presented us with!
Left at 8pm to drive home and back the next day to pick her up, a taste of what country people go thru to get treatment. We are only a short way but the traffic is awful esp for Christmas. It is a very pretty hospital I worked there a long time ago a horrific 6 months in the melanoma ward. I think that building is pulled down and the unit moved to another hospital. There is lovely restaurant in the middle of the place but I'm glad they kept it as a hospital. I think things should keep their function if possible, these empty preservations where the building looses its relationship to it original function, or any function other than endless coffee shops are boring.
Big cities are funny places totally stressy and totally interesting my mother always said she could just sit and watch people esp in the city they were fascinating. I am so tired from worrying. None of my children have had an anaesthetic all the time she was in theatre I was trying not to panic. We take these things as so everyday but they dangerous stuff. Its good sometimes to feel things from the other side. I always think you should look after people like they were you family except for the panic

I lost my list, Only a nurse understands the dread of those words. Its funny how much your whole shift depends on the verbal report and the notes you make on your list of patients. We used to put sheets of carbon paper and write the lists now we print it off from the computer and add the notes from the verbal report. Mostly we record our reports on tape now. which makes it quicker no chatting so we get off on time but some vital stuff gets left off sometimes usually dont have time to read patient notes till the end of the shift when you are writing your reports. Sometimes there doesnt seem much point knowing the patients they are shoved thru so fast you cant really do much. I worked on a car assembly line once and we used to miss tightening some bolts cause the line moved so fast. Thats what it feels like in nursing and the more difficult things are to do or the more unsure people are of how to do something the less they are likely to do it. You could rank procedures in difficulty then match it to missed or done wrong I'm sure they'd correlate. Keep it simple stupid. I guess thats obvious but because the people ordering the procedures never think about the problems of doing it or if people can do it or even know how to do things themselves. I always have tried to be honest and say if I dont know something and ask.
We had a quiet shift so I was reading the Garling report just the summary at the beginning. I wonder why they get a judge who knows nothing much about the health system to recommend stuff about it. Very odd when you think about it. One recommendation that we go to computer generated rosters. I'm not sure what he means by that but our rosters are request rosters we write down what we want and they do their best to give us those shifts. Like the bit about establishing a kind of 2ndary A&E for lower category problems. Bit of a failure to understand the issues. Closing pubs at 2am would have more effect.
On to nicer things I am making Delia Smiths little salmon croutony things for tennis party tasty tasty. Her website is really good. I still think she is the best home food cooking writer and she owns a football club perfect. One day we will go to England and go and eat in her restaurant and go see a game we love English football Gotta go to work. I am having breaks from night duty doing afternoon shifts getting too tired from it.

No golf too wet no one went out so I didnt feel like a wimp. Went and did laps instead. The clouds were right down on the mountain. It is the most beautiful pool outside but heated at the uni. Years ago when I first started swimming laps I could hardly swim a lap now I'm up to 25 with fins on and some kickboard laps. One of the girls I swam with laughed at my fins but she asked the physio and she said they are good make you work harder and if you do more laps because you have them all the better so she bought some. I'm hopeless swimming without them. Surprised that once you swim laps you can always do it. There used to be a little Kiosk the people were Korean and served Korean food and other stuff from this little tiny area. We would swim up and down smelling noodles and miso soup thinking what we would have for lunch. Sadly they closed and they made a another "microwave"
cafe. Food all prepared before and shoved in a microwave. May as well take tablets for dinner.
After swim looked around uni bookshop for Christmas presents. Read about poet Dorothy Porters death and looked at her book The Monkey Mask. I didnt think a poetry novel would work but it read really well. Might buy it but I wanted to buy A Collectors Year by Adrian Franklin from the collectors show (ABC friday nights). Dorothy Porter looks so familiar but I dont know where from, I can hear her voice thats weird maybe she looks like someone else. Actually its like you've met all the looks of people so everyone looks like someone else. Also I wanted to be a poet but I could never see how you could make a living at it so gave it away but she managed too.

Meant to play golf this morning but I slept in. It has turned cold again. 32' yesterday. We were at the beach after a surf and this amazing low cloud like a big dragon turned in the sky and travelled north out from the beach. Then gusts of wind came in and dropped the temp by about 10' in a few minutes. It makes me sleepy going from hot to cold. Supposed to have a whole summer like that.
I was glad I slept in because I dreamt that my mother wasnt dead. She was well again. I went to the nursing home and she was there. They had given her a nicer room and she was much more herself again. We talked and watched some TV and some beautiful birds walked around near us, also a very odd animal that seemed to be made of bits and pieces of soft toys and junk (I think that comes from a Japanese book about making animals from felt which was super cute that I was looking at). I kissed her and hugged her and we sat together. It was so nice to see her again. Then I had to go. I said to her I am very mad, who did we bury and why did they keep it a secret that you are still alive. She said dont be so angry and protesting all the time. I went to talk to the staff about it but they were afternoon staff so no one was responsible for anything of course. "You'll have to talk to dayshift " typical.
Going to lunch now tata fans or fan or ether

Having a very paranoid day. Worked yesterday evening shift. One of the birthing unit staff says to me are you telling the local paper stuff about the department, what says I, you've got to be kidding. Someone is she said, well they could make it accurate says I looking after 20 people each is exaggerating a bit. It was pretty lightly said and normally I think of that person as quite nice through I dont know her well. Today I am really stressed about it and wonder who is saying that story. The CEO had a veiled or not so veiled warning about saying anything to the media about the hospital system and I've seen other people done over on the suspicion that they leaked something. I am not really interested in "whats wrong with health" I wouldnt know where to start. The rants I do in this blog have taught me that and history. Change is always double edged nearly everything you do has good and bad effects about the only thing you can say for sure is change will happen and be used by the ambitious to control and promote themselves.
You get older and you carry the scars and the damage of places and people. I want to wipe that all away. Sometimes I think of becoming a Buddhist nun and leaving this rubbish behind! Be in the world but not of it the sufis say. Easier said than done. I think nurses are really prone to carrying the damage. The grace and the curse of empathy. You feel their pain and it lets you help them but it does damage. The sorcerers say that human feelings are better in alignment with the feelings of trees. So I think of the trees I know well.
Actually I am feeling over her comments quicker than I used to. I used to worry over these things all week, so thats an improvement.I am starting to think about leaving work. We could take contracts in places like Darwin etc. I think that would be fun.
This morning I am watching the stock market thought I might buy a little something but what! I thought BHP but the analyst says it will be sold off today profit taking. So I might just buy some new swimmers.
Am reading paper watching business channel reading garden magazine writing this. Wall st down 8% they think there will be selling on our market mostly we follow US. Better do so gardening.

Played big golf today, the 18 hole comp, played some good holes, nice company, Very hot windy and some rain but beautiful big seas and big clouds building up it was very dramatic. Lots of nice birds little blue wrens, a little hawk but I dont know what kind. I dont know why I keep watching birds. My mother was a bird watcher so it is like seeing through her eyes, part of missing her. It is not as bad as it was, 7 1/2 weeks I think I knew to the day till this week but I am not counting the days so much. The scorcerers say you should turn to face the oncoming time not look back at the past. You can see that that is freedom because the future is does not burden you the way the past does. They say you must go to the place in your feelings of no pity. If you think of the look in a wild animals eyes that is like the place of no pity, in a world where death is stalking us there is no time for regrets.
I am trying to play golf like that. Sounds kind of petty but either everything we do matters or nothing does.
Doing a lot of gardening being in a garden is always soothing. I like little plants but I have so many trees they get a bit lost I would like to plant a fruit forrest

We had two quiet nights at work which was nice we all talked about things all night. One of the girls mother had died suddenly 8 years ago I asked if she felt better after a while but she said not really she still wants to tell her mother things but it did get a bit better. I think I am just going to have to get used to feeling crummy sometimes. Its been busy for so long at work that we never get any time to debrief about things. We save those bastards in management a lot of money in stress leave and nervous breakdowns by the simple act of tea and lunchbreaks but they didnt even build tea rooms on the wards because someone complained to some politician about seeing nurses eating on a ward.
I once worked at Sydney Hospital, next door in parliament house they were building an indoor swimming pool, in the hospital the showers and toilets were on an open veranda it was very cold in winter. That was a life lesson, but amongst nurses fav sayings is "what comes around goes around." Not profound but helpful in putting up with difficult people, especially the "do you know who I am do you know who I am."
Two girls at work have had granddaughters born last couple of weeks, I have grandmother envy. They say it is better than having your own. It is really exciting. I remember when their kids were born. Been there too long.
I am really depressed sometimes about spending most of my working life in the nasty hospital but maybe being in a crap place trying to do good is more valuable than being in a good place where it is easy to do good. I think it is probably better in a good place after a while everyone gets infected with the creepiness. Are there any good hospitals I wonder. I know some people have good experiences in hospitals but I just find nursing totally stressful.

Back to golf today that was nice through I didnt want to go. A friend said she didnt leave home for 6 weeks after her mother died, I feel like I'm just supposed to be normal but I dont feel so normal, I'm glad other people feel like that. I only played little golf the nine hole comp at the small course, havent been quite able to face the 18 hole comp. at the big club. Maybe next week.
Came home to do some gardening and had a stupidaster (disaster caused by stupiity). We had a bean bag in the pool years ago and made a mess when the beans escaped swore I would never do that again, well you know did it again was trying to take pull the bean bag out of the pool and it split. Polystyrene world all over the pool and surroundings. The afternoon spent scooping them up off everything NEVER BUY HUGE BAGS OF MANMADE CRAP again.
I really am going to try and be more organic etc. On a happier note I potted up some tomatoes heritage kinds fron Diggers Seeds.
Work tonight so going to sleep.
Another mad weekend at work cant even talk about it madness takes its toll. I was not good. Feel better today realised I was crying with this weird idea that if I cry enough she will come back, your Mum always comes when you cry doesnt she. There is stuff that goes on that is not at your thinking level at all its at your feelings and in your child levels. Got worn out of tears kind of weary of it all. Four weeks, getting further and further away I hate that, life drags you on.

Today is like me it cant decide to be hot or cold windy rainy or sunny so it trying to be all of them at once. Its what I feel like I want to read my book Susan Cooper "The Dark is Rising" series childrens fantasy books but the petulant princess has pinched it, buy some shares ?Leightons ?Sims ?Blackmores ?cant decide. Do some more spring cleaned and throwing out the layers of junk we have accumulated filling the opshops and of course gardening. but really we are going to look at project homes to get an idea of bathroom reno as both our bathrooms are in need of repair one isnt functional.
Better go he has his shoes on.

duh I have flu it is not good. Had it for a week so far but I went back to work last night. I needed my roster and I think I needed some normal at least my version of same. Cant hide at home forever, mostly I feel ok except for unpredictable crying attacks over mum, one associated with being too hot? or thats all that seemed to precipitate tears. Nothing much to say about grief just have to live thru it. I was worse when my father died maybe you get used to it. When I was 16 and staying at my grandmothers I was shelling peas and she was reading the paper, she said oh so and so died that lady we saw the other day in a chatty voice. Do you get used to loosing people as you get older? A friend says her father loses his shed friend and then he goes and makes another friend.
A few years ago I went to a suburb of Sydney where my grandparents lived and where we went every 2nd weekend of our childhood sitting around while aunties talked. I got so upset cause that whole world had gone and I really liked those people they were so interested and interesting. Two of the aunties had travelled overland from Europe through the Khyber Pass in their 70's. They are the pillars of your world and then then they are gone and you have to be that for your children but I never feel that monumental or sure of anything.
The first night at work was crappy birthing unit sent us round a girl with an abnormal cardiac trace, she needed specialing all night and we dont have staff for that the idiot med reg said to her this is the best place for you not coronary care because you have a baby. There is something deeply wrong with that statement, finally at 7.30 they took her to CCU, really patient dumping is just awful in the system, I wish people would sort patients out properly, get things ordered, drugs given tests done and decisions made. A young girl with young children with a cardiac condition never properly looked whats the cost if she gets really ill. Do they really think that midwives can look after cardiac issues that need monitoring without a monitor in the middle of a ward full of babies and mothers. I feel bad because I should have jumped up and down early and got her into CCU earlier but really I had no idea about cardiac stuff and the med reg kept treating her condition like it was a minor thing. She ended up on digoxin which doesnt seem too minor to me.
Years ago we had a mother die in the nursery, she was feeding and she collapsed, she'd had a slow bleed in her abdo then shot off a clot. One of the girls involved in the resus left mid after that and works in A&E she said she felt so hopeless in the resus that she wanted to go and get competent again. Its hard when you only deal with those emergencies occasionally.
They rang for me to work an extra but really you want to limit your exposure to the mess.

Yesterday went on a bus trip around ten or so different opshops, 2nd hand shops, redcross, lifeline etc. A friend had seen it advertised by the town council, a sustainability initiative. The bus was free and it was really cute, an old bus all fixed up and painted. Like the buses we rode on when we were kids, the seats were really small and close together, and we've got bigger but we still fitted in. My friend thought it would cheer me up. Her Dad died at the beginning of the year, he had a couple of stokes and he'd been in rehab when they realised it was cancer with secondaries that were shooting off clots. She looked after him a lot and is still very upset with the treatment. She is a nurse and used to work with me and her Dad was in our hospital. Mostly she is really upset he wasn't diagnosed earlier and given enough pain relief but also about the care he received.
Thank goodness my mother only stayed a couple of days in A and E, sometimes I wish we had done more medical stuff but mostly I'm glad we didn't so much of hospital shit is just investigations without outcomes. I haven't had a lot of experience with the general side of the hospital but you don't hear a lot of good. They have these complaint management stuff but you wonder if that's just to shut people up. Its hard because on the other side the bitterness of people when their loved one dies is sometimes very irrational and many staff (me included) have at times felt unsupported by the administration when complaints are made.
Back on the bus, the day was a lot of fun and considering the stock market today might be a necessary education in living cheaper. I wanted to buy a crockpot for a while and they had one for 19 dollars. It is a slow cooker so can put a dinner on in the morning and let it cook all day and it doesnt burn. People can eat as they come home and the slow cooking makes food taste good. I made chicken curry today and it was really good. I'm going to look up a crockpot site I bet it has devotees.
We found some other nice things and spent about 35 dollars including lunch.
The day trippers were filmed for the local news as well but I dodged that. I won a ten dollar voucher to spend as well.
I got sad on the way home because all the christmas things are in the shops and it will be a christmas without mum ucky.
Going google crockpot its 70's orange v cool.

Yesterday was the funeral. I tried to tell my husband I was taking a sickie but they wouldnt let me. People keep saying are you ok I guess I am the mourner central or something. I hadnt had my hair done for ages so I decided during the week I should look nice for her because she always was so pretty even as an old lady she had lovely white hair and all the nurses loved her. She was such a lucky person really and very talented but she never believed in herself enough.
The night before we went shopping for some nice clothes to wear and then we had dinner at the harbour. The little lighthouse was still lit up pink for breast cancer week.
My husband did a little talk about Mum at the funeral and the girls read a poem and gave a talk. I didnt talk I coudnt and I cried because they were so sincere and true to her. We had a celebant for the rest and then she talked. I was quite upset because she was quite religious and sentimental. My mother would of thought what a load of codswollop (what is codswollop, must look it up)
meaning what rubbish. But then I was glad coz she dried us up really well. Also when you cry eventually you have to blow yr nose which just kills the miserable mood with a comic sound. I was glad to stop crying because I wanted to talk to her friends that were there, the survivers! I wish we valued our older people more they are so nice and gracious. It was lovely to see them the cast of my childhood. One of her good friends in the Bird Observers Club said that she had been to see her in the nursing home. Mum told her that she was quite happy there and that I was more upset than her. I was surprised that she had that much insight.
This week has been so exhausting I thought I will have some peaceful time but so far none. We dont even know that many people but have heard from all of them it seems. It is really supportive and very distracting from the saddness but sometimes you just want to be quiet a bit.
Yesterday was also a beautiful warm day and it was hard to be totally sad in spring so that was clever of her to leave us then, such a graceful life in the face a difficult childhood.
In the afternoon we went to the beach and I had a surf with my bodyboard, there were some nice waves. The water is 16degrees and it is good for healing I think like being craddled in the arms of the earth. Maybe becoz we came from the water we still feel most at home in it.
Today its thunder and lightening and rainy I think the earth is crying for her, I think it loved her too.

Yesterday morning the phone went at 6.30. Mum had deteriorated. We went straight to the home and sat holding her hand she was cyanosed and breathing heavily. I think she knew we were there. My sister had sent flowers for her birthday and we showed them to her. She couldnt talk at all but she didnt seem to be in pain. There was some oral morphine ordered and they gave her some. At 1044 or so I thought that it would be a while and I started to think maybe she would be alright. My older two daughters came to see her, we didnt ask them to come told them what was happening and left it up to them so I was pleased that they come. It is hard to face death. Her breathing slowed down and she took a few diffcult breaths and she died. I felt for her pulse and it was gone.
Today I wish I'd got oxygen for her and a drip and antibiotics and done everything to keep her alive so I didnt feel so awful. I miss her so much already and I see that stretching out for the rest of my life. I feel like I didnt treasure her enough. I couldnt leave till I watched to see if she would breath again I thought I could see movement but she didnt. I was so frightened of her dying frightened of the pain, hers and mine but it was very peaceful. I know we did the right thing she said last year she had had enough. Her younger brother died, her bones were crumbling and her memory was going and she wouldnt eat, she thought everything tasted awful.
She died on her 87 birthday pretty clever. She never liked birthdays much didnt like getting old. I kept thinking about that scene in Little Big Man where the Indian chef decides its a good day to die and he gets Dustan Hoffman to take him up the mountain to die. They wait all day for his death then he says ruefully maybe it isnt that day and they come down from the mountain. I wish
Today the funeral director came to sort out the times and the details. I was alright till we were trying to think of a little line at the bottom of the death notice. Then I kept crying he said they would ring back. We all looked up sayings etc I knew what I wanted to say finally found it "what a wonderful thing it was to be in this beautiful world." Pablito, one of don Juans apprentices says that before the leap into the unknown. She loved and was interested in so many things all her life particularly birds and gardens and the bush. When I think of that I feel a bit more at peace. I think that is what she would have said about life.
We had to decide on some music which was difficult because she never cared much about music then I remembered the time she'd had a new car with a CD player. Someone had put a CD of American civil war music on and she didnt know how to stop it or take it out. On one of the tracks was a reading of a letter written home by a soldier to his mother and found on his body after a battle. She said it made her cry over and over on the way to town finally she got one us to take it out to her relief. We listened to the music on the CD and it was really lovely Shanandoah, the Battle Hymn of the Republic (which my father would sing full voiced while washing up) and some others. Things just come together and feel right somehow. Yesterday feels like a hundred years ago. My sister says she asked a Buddhist monk once why do we grieve he said ignorance.

Feel so twitchy dont know why, tired but didnt do anything much today tiny bit of gardening. The macadaemia tree had lots of nuts around it but the nut cracker I've got is hopeless. Funny coincidence watching The Cook and The Chef (gt cooking program) and they were visiting a macadamia farm and had a better nut cracker so I'm going looking for it in the lovely kitchern shops.
Yesterday I went to see Mum and was talking with one of the nurses. One of the other nurses was checking the lady in the next bed she said theres no pulse nothing not breathing. Its so different from hospital where everyone starts running at that point but in the nursing home its very peaceful almost normal. One of the girls said sorry to me I dont know why except people say funny things death is strange and disturbing no matter how peaceful. Mum looked comparatively healthy. I gave her some more lemonade which along with some sustegen is all she will have. She makes faces when you give her any solid food. Then I left, the lady's son was coming in and I'd never met him. Its funny I've seen his mother nearly every day for months. Its not the time to meet strangers.
That all feels like a hundred years ago. I was thinking of the play we saw Joan Didion's "The Year of Magical Thinking" about the death of her husband and her daughter. Maybe magical thinking is true human thinking the old thinking before rationality, maybe thats how we deal with death. When my father died I wore a t-shirt of his for a long time but I couldn't talk about him and barely think about him. I still see something and think Dad would be interested in that. A while after he died I dreamt that he was
reborn. I looked at all the babies at work to see if they were him but its hard to tell with babies.
Grief is a kind of madness and all the time you know it a stupid waste of time.

ahh why do I start writing this 5 mins before I have to go to work. It is so hot today 28 after a cold week. Supposed to have a storm this evening. I wonder how that hurricane is doing in texas you always hope they verve away but it looked so big on he satillite pictures. better go get ready.
Next day what a shitty evening. over numbers again extra midwife again 2 casual pool one of our staff off in the birthing unit then an en to help. Some good en's but not this one supposed to do obs but was listening to her handing out advice and baby cuddling, like they havent been cuddled for hours no answer buzzers and no obs done then want to chat to you. So many useless people in the system barely trained and not in the area they are put in. Anyway I have to just get an attitude to deal with the place. I dont do other peoples work unless they help me to or or I think they are working at least as hard as me. The first thing jettisoned is all the mad paperwork except for ward lists. (We had a lady wander out at 1am once asking about her treatment who was not on any list or reported on or her notes in the folder)
Next day (I wrote a diary once and it was stunningly boring so mustnt blog like that). Another another busy shift but we had 5 midwives on so that was much better and you get time to look after people birthing unit were making an effort to help us with our admission doing some of the obs before they came and having things organised and make everyone feel better and more friendly. I started learning the computer discharge program but I dont have a pass word yet. Have to go to an education day. I suspect we taking over the docs discharge notes, they were always having to do that, that wouldnt be a bad idea, rather have them doing the ward work and how would they remember anyone days later.
Yet again a blocked urinary catheter after a caesar, leaking into the bed, filling up the bladder, causing more pain than necessary. I have tried and tried to get someone to look at this but no one is interested. I wonder if I can do some research proving there is a problem. Maybe I could just put a notice up and say what I think is happening and people can add names and what action they took. Personally I think they need bigger bore catheters but maybe they think this causes more trauma.
On another note one of the casual staff has sussed big surprise I am not entirely happy at work and suggests other jobs. She says there are these telephone triage jobs. We of course get quite a few phone calls from Mums with problems at home unfortunately the next one I took was from a mum with a 5 week old semi-breast feed baby who wanted to have a few drinks and how long would she have to not feed for. I directed her to a help line and away from my outrage, maybe teli triage isnt my thing.
Its hot again today I played very bad tennis this morning, in the grove for three shots then hit the gutter. Half want to go for body board but the ocean is very cold even with a wetsuit brainfreeze now its got a bit late so might just have a tea and cake at the beach chicken.

I've been reading blogs of note cakewreaks which is so funny and running a hospital which is really interesting. it would be so good to have someone in charge who is actually interested in how the place runs and focused on the work. I think am I working at the worst hospital in NSW or Australia but there is no way to know that. They put the newsletter up on the toilet wall I guess they know only a captive audience will read it. The guy in charge does his little homilies in it. We are lucky to live in a land of freedom and free speech but if you speak out and identify yourself as a member of the hospital oh well thats not right. What a creepy bunch these people are, you just slave away in silence you lowlifes while we build our brilliant careers and we will close anything and destroy anything we are told to. Bitter oh yes. I wonder if it was worth anything nursing that is. It fed my children I suppose that will have to do. How many jobs really matter much. Nursing just feels like a job that feeds off your insecurities to bleed you dry of work and make you feel inadequate. You can do 99% right in a day but someone will be bound to tell you the bit you forgot.
I'm upset at the moment because someone told me that at another hospital in the group they have a ratio of one nurse to 5 mothers and ours is one to 7 and they frequently go over that. Bear in mind 7 mothers include up to 7 babies so that is a lot of patients to look after. Plus our turnover of patients is huge, 50 patient movements in a day was the record , counting mothers and babies in and out of the ward. Really I think I'm nuts staying there. Oh well not much longer to retirement I hope.
This is very whingy but I'm mad with myself for saying I would do an extra shift tonight. I forgot I am going out to dinner.
On a cheerful note I have a nice new jumper very superficial and I'm reading a good book a kate atkinson I heard her interviewed on the radio.

Cold day only 13 degrees at top. We are nesting with the heater and Company a musical by Stephan Sondheim. It is so funny and clever. Last night we went to see Madame Butterfly by the Australian Operas travelling company it was wonderful and really cheap for an opera. We are seeing some great shows this year.
Not working till tomorrow night. We had a chat to the supervisor last week it sounds even scarier in the general wards, no staff. I didnt know they were down to ains on the wards. She said she had very junior registered nurse an enrolled nurse and an assistant in nursing for 20 or so patients on one ward. I said I'd be going home, she said that you cant leave the patients but I'd be too frightened to stay. Nobody ever listens about staffing when things go wrong they just find the most powerless person to blame and thats some poor ward RN. I wonder how many nurses just get too scared to work in the wards. They have a team of ICU nurses that we can call when there are problems on the wards, trying to prevent the bounce backs to ICU. At least you have someone to ask. We had lady with a PICC line in which most us had not a clue about last week. Finally diagnosed with MRSA in her caesar wound. So there she is sitting in maternity, we hate dirty wounds there because of the babies but no on cares anymore.
I read that in WA they are dealing with MRSA a lot better, here its just a mess they dont do anything about it, one of the girls rang the infection control person to ask her to look at the wound cause we'd never seen any thing like it but she said she didnt deal with patients only infections!
I only go to work for the laughs.

Life life just gets a bit peaceful sort of mother in nursing home and stable in a downhill way, not getting out of bed now and being fed. My work busy but no trouble then husband who works in aged care nursing gets given a new roster which will drop his pay 12thou dollars, So he has to get a new job. Kennedy health care group in action. They want to save money of course and reduce trained nurses and replace them with enrolled nurses and ain. They are getting the ens to do a course to give medications so they think they can get rid of most of their registered nurses.
Aged care registered nurses are about 10% behind in pay now and after the next pay rises they will be more than 16% behind and the union, while happy to support the presidents daughters soccer team with union money is not doing anything about aged care nurses wages. NSW nursing union has always been crap wots new.
So as more RNs leave aged care the more operators can say they cant get RNs very cute scheme. Whatever husband needs to get out before he finds himself being responsible for very large nos of very ill old people with minimal trained staff.
I said to him I think I should go onto fulltime but he says wait and see and dont worry too much but I do of course but I think because I am already worried about my mother.
They rang for me to work tonight but I said no because i am playing golf tomorrow, but maybe I should have.
Thats all going to do aquarobics hope the pool is warm its sooo cold.

Played golf yesterday with a fellow newbie and the pigtail lady, just a bit of advice give away wearing pigtails on yr 30th, this one is over 70 and has white hair. It was a monthly medal day, stroke play that means you count every hit and you have to play till the ball is in the hole no matter how long that takes. quite a difficult day esp for new players who arnt that good. Plus you play in yr own handicap group so you dont have the lower handicap people helping.
The dizzy one does not count shots properly or fill the card in accurately or know any rules, lights up cigarettes and leaves them burning on the grass (lol) I'm imaging once the dry returns headlines "golf comp abandoned while wild grass fire spreads across course" I digress, Anyway my other companion was getting increasing upset with dizzy. I who are often send out to play with her, 4th time I think knew what we were in for tried to ride it out in a zen state but then the dizzy one hit her ball on the A graders fairway while they were trying to hit off. This is a very big crime. The A graders went for her and they are scarey golfing is where all the scarey teachers and nurses end up in retirement. Its the first time I've seen anyone get thru to her and she went in after that. I thought I should talk her into staying but looking at the other player I wasnt game enough to say anything.
Nursing certainly prepares you for all the trials of life.
The other lady is a nurse now retired she is a saint of the cancer care system. The cancer care workers speak of like others do of mother Therea. I thought well the hospital must have really valued her she had worked there her whole career but she said no she left because the new num was another psycopath and they didnt do anthing to thank no dinner, lunch card. I was shocked and everyone I've told is to. Nursing doesnt just eat its young it BO's all over its experienced. Seriously you wonder if there is any hope. Must go to work detachment detachment

Ahh so long since posted always running so much to do. stoopid Went to see Australian womans basketball team play brazil that was great. Saw "Tell me on a sunday" musical very good.
Patient of the week girl with a deep vein thrombosis in 2nd trimester but i havent looked up google about it yet.I worked 2 evening shifts instead of nights to see if I liked being less tired but they were pretty shitty too. Also in charge of the shift on the phone for 1/4 of the shift looking for staff for next shift so end up looking after her patients too. Stuff it I will probably stay on nights. In the last year they have changed nearly every piece of paper in the place and every procedure, none of it shorter or better. They are advertising for staff but that will take months if ever they like being short it saves them money.
Everyone hates everyone else for sending them more and more patients. I'm planning a sickie next week they wont have any staff for one of the nights I'm doing so stuff them.
Its very cold today and a bit rainy was going to garden but too cold. Yesterday did some weeding wandering jew which if i let in would coat my backyard! If only it was eatable or even mulchable it is the cockroach of the plant world. Dont tell it but I secretly admire it. The azaleas I planted are doing well really they are lovely plants and they will grow in pretty difficult conditions. I am having a japanese garden phase again. My garden is trying to be everything at once but I enjoy it anyway. I harvested my first handful of macadamia nuts yesterday just have to crack them very hard shells. So now I am feeling sustainable gardener.
Well going to knit a scarf now drink more tea and go visit mum in the nursing home.

The problem nurse is gone they created a job for her at another hospital, her buddies from the leadership brought her a bunch of flowers she resigned and nobody has officially told us but there was much rejoicing. I guess in the end they decided that loosing 1/2 the staff because of her might be a problem. No doubt she sees herself as a victim and she is planning her return in triumph later but with any luck I'll be retired.
Problem baby of the week was a gorgeous little fellow under lights for jaundice he was so jittery which can be a sign of withdrawing from drugs, or low blood suger etc. He didnt appear to have any of these so we asked the mother if she drank a lot of coffee or coke or ate a lot of cocolate. She said no at first but she remembered later she had had a craving for chocolate over the last two weeks of her pregnancy. Another easter baby I thought, I've always felt some babies dont tolerate caffeine in the mothers milk and turn into screaming irritable wreaks. Googled my observation and babies metabolise caffeine slower the younger they are. Before babies are born the mothers liver gets rid of babies waste products[ basically broken down cells especially blood cells] After birth the baby's own liver has to do it. That is what normal jaundice is all about the liver isnt fully able to metabolise all the broken down cells so deposits the partly broken down products in the tissues. If the babies liver is being asked to break down other drugs as well such as caffeine or antibiotics, more chance of having high levels of jaundice.
Probably worth limiting the caffeine intake in the first week of life then slowly having in the diet to the level that the mum and the baby are comfortable with. By the 2nd night beautful boy was much happier and sleeping so it is not a big crisis but mums get very worried if their baby is so agitated.

Been to see Keating the musical so good. Brought the CD liked it so much.
Last week we saw The year of magical thinking a play by Joan Didion with Robyn Nevin it was very moving. It was a stunning bit of writing wonderfully acted. Truthful and honest, without an easy answer to grief.A lady next to me turned to me and said that was self indulgent whinging, her friend said well you've never had someone close to you die. I said I thought it was very real about how people respond to the death of loved ones. Still you know you done some moving theatre when strangers talk to each other after it!
We dont see much theatre then we see it all at once, Tell Me On A Sunday next

We can google at work how exciting is that, it made the nights so much better and more interesting. We thought they had blocked it but it worked last week. They blocked games and most fun things on the computer because I guess they think you will play games instead of looking after patients. Nursing admin have always assumed that nurses are slack and do not work unless they are on our backs all the time. I've found the people who treat you like this are themselves the most slack ones. If some people put half the energy they use getting out of work into doing it would be fairer and easier for everyone. Getting things sorted with patients before they become disasters is so much better. Lots of nurses love disasters thru. sad.
When I was training a sister said to me that lady is going to arrest, I said move her to coronary care then, oh she said so she did it and the arrest happened there where they were all prepared for it instead of a big mess on the ward with only 2 of us. It pisses me off the way people like drama. I once said to a doctor that i didnt know how a sister we knew could work in kids cancer for years he said she likes it all that grief. I call them the bottom feeders.
Anyway back to my googling at night. We had a girl breastfeeding who had very sore nipples from the first feed. Same history with the first baby. She feed the first baby till they bleed and finally gave up when she couldnt take the pain anymore. Now this is a different picture than mums who have very sensitive nipples, when you ask them can they stand anyone touching their nipples they say they cant. That is not about damage to the nipple and these girls often feed well with a nipple shield.
The usual sore nipples you see are around the 2-3 day mark and are a gradual onset.
My girl had almost instantly sore nipples from the first feed which is quite different. Nursing mothers theorizes that thrush in the ducts may cause this problem and that treating the nipples and the babies mouth may get rid of it so thats what I was investigating on google. I didnt look up the scientific papers on it but the mothers stories on different web sites. I suspect that no one has done any studies thru you could try to culture the breast milk of these mums and see if you came up with thrush, good research project someone.
Anyway she is going to try some thrush treatment, I told her my google search and she was going to tell me how it went. Nobody stays in hospital long enough for there to be any outcomes so unless she writes us a card I"ll never know. I"ll do my breatfeeding, lack of support rant another time back to the garden.

Ahh 17th of june already and i haven't posted for ages, there are too many things to do. I am madly knitting as its so cold this year and everyone wants beanies to wear. I made my friends kid one but my daughter grabbed it and wont give it back, so I have to make it again, a white beret.
Interesting patient of the week was a girl with hyperemesis, thats vomiting a lot in pregnancy. It starts earlier in pregnancy than morning sickness, is more common in a twin pregnancy and occurs in under 4% of pregnancies. The interesting thing for me was that we were always taught that there were underlying psychological problems which caused hyperemesis. It was really morning sickness which had gone out of control due to issues such as an ambivalent attitude to the pregnancy, wanting to abort the pregnancy, depression etc. Of course its the chicken and the egg thing is the vomiting a cause or a result of the mental issues.
Gotta a go do aqua walking at the gym finish later.
Later, I was the youngest of the aqua walkers always good a retirement crew, but I love to be in water.
Back to vomiting I was thinking they should make one of those dealing with issues shows about hyperemesis but you can see problems with it, a lot of people cant watch vomiting people. I looked it up on the net all these stories poor girls and how dangerous it can be. Charlotte Bronte is supposed to have died of it. The emo theory is discredited now but I still think there is that side of every disease. Vomiting is awful but vomiting plus depression and lack of support is that much worse. Rehydration and getting any food in seems to be the important thing. Anti vomiting drugs work variably, from not at all to moderating the vomiting to working for some people.
Anyway yah for the net which is so good for hearing patients voices in a system that barely gives you time to say hello and lets you update yr ideas quicker.
Thank you to the patient of the week who said to me I am not really like this you wouldnt recognise me if I was my usual self, which made me go look up this condition and revise my thinking.

Well interesting nights at work. Not so busy but lots of politics some strange subinvestigation going on into bullying in our workplace sort of focused on one particular person or maybe not. She is mates with the hierarchy so we dont think anything will happen. There are people on stress leave because of her and one court case over bullying that was won against her. She used to work on our ward but she is in another area now thank god. I was one of her targets for some reason she moved me off my usual shifts and onto weekdays, no penalty rates then had me rotated around everywhere told me that it wasnt her who was responsible. Someone printed off an article on psychopaths in the workplace, this person fitted all the criteria. The interesting thing is it says if you are targeted by them you may as well find another job which i will be doing if she ever crosses my path again. It also says you are left "cold cynical bitter and almost unable to function." Lucky I couldnt give a shit about nursing by then anyway and she oddly protected me from herself by getting me moved. Anyway nursing is full of those nutters and they are usually in charge but they put the knife in each other more than anyone. They dont like night duty no glory in that so I just stay in the dark. Don Juan calls these people the petty dictators he says they are gifts to a warrior because a warrior can temper themselves in the battles with them. So there you go.
It was a bit of a mad night with patients as well. They were really kind of sweet one had the family wheelchair with her but the tyres were flat.
Got to do some aquarobics in the am and wash away all these crazies thank goodness they work full time thru there are some golfers.......

Havent written for ages too silent. Back at work now with the mums and babies the babies are really cute but I am over work. We went to a retirement seminar the news is not good, have to do a few more years. Lucky I only do 2 nights a week and it is nice to help the new mums becoz the nights are the hardest and they often get quite upset. It is very exciting during the day with a new baby but different when you have no sleep. We have rooming in that is the babies stay with the mothers all the time which the brought in years ago so they could reduce staff but of course girls with caesarian sections, difficult deliveries and just really tired mums need some sleep and help with caring for their babies. Also leaving babies in the dark with an exhausted mother when the babies are a bit vomity after birth. I am always amazed that we dont loose more babies at night, probably only becoz we ignore the rooming in thing and take any babies we are worried about out to the desk. havta go

Its been raining for days and everything is so damp. Its weird after such a long drought to have such a lot of water around but typical of Australia, droughts and flooding rain. Its kind of strange for the kids as they havent seen this much rain since they were little. We have had exciting times on our corner. One time a big gum tree (about 30ft) got undermined by flood water and had to be cut down. The family in the units underneath it had to shelter in our place. There is a death every couple of years of someone camping under a gum tree, they blow down in storms, especially after a long drought. Gumtrees deal with droughts by killing off limbs and the limbs fall in storms. Another storm brought heaps of coalwash from the mine down and thru some peoples houses, there were lots of streets unpassable the next day. If you go and look at the council maps you can see where the water courses were and the water goes back to them. In that storm the retirement village got flooded and one of the residents who had lost his legs was floating around in the water before they remembered to rescue him. He was quite funny about it I suppose when you've been thru what he had a bit of a flood doesn't bother you.
They thought we'd have big fires this year coz of the bush being so dry not a worry now I guess. Been just on the computer watching the stock market not too nice but interesting times.
Gardening quite a lot a lot of trimming and weeding finally the nice bit planting: ferns, a sesanqua camilla, some lettuce, prob all drowned!. I am trying to be kind of japanese in that i am trying to trim things and give each plant its room, which is hard coz things are packed in. Garden design really interests me but then I get carried away with the plants that are in flower and want them instead of thinking of an overall plan. My first mistake was reading too many english garden books and wanting a garden like theirs. Cant tell you how many silver birches I killed off well me and the climate. I have one left multiple trunks and a cold spot in a corner. I was looking at a blog Laura's garden full of pictures of plants I mostly lost. Then I had my native phase but that got destroyed by the roses which I like esp David Austens.
We have been exercising a lot in the pool but the motor is broken so have to get a new one and the pool is green from all the rain its a hard life not.

uck last post so boring I didnt publish it for few days but too lazy to delete so published anyway, Such a wacko few days. The dog got out of the yard into next doors garage and wouldnt come home, I went over to get her and she had a fish hook through her mouth. We tried to take it out but couldnt, so took her down to the vets, it was a public holiday so there was an extra charge. She had to have an anaesthetic and antibiotics $570 !!! We wont be going on any holiday. same day we'd ordered the ipods for the kids [so cool new pink one on the apple site]. Then the cars need servicing, so no dinners out either. Maybe we can still have lunch and our beaches are as good as anywhere.
Want to have a litle rave about the health system in NSW cause there is so much crap talked in the paper and from politicians, point form easier:
The bloated management are self.serving and incompetent
There has been a failure to train enough doctors or nurses to run the medical system, because these people cost money, buying them in from Africa, Egypt Russia etc is so much cheaper thru it has some fundamental problems, language only the beginning.
There are not enough beds for the population.
NUMs or numb bums as they are now known nursing unit managers formerly charge sisters have so much administrative work, organising pays writing rubbishy safety stuff [how to use the toaster], endless meetings and of course searching for staff, wards are leaderless.
Experience is not valued at all, anyone can work anywhere. Teaching and supervision is minimal to non-existent and for many workers hospitals are the most fightening work places. Often one disaster will mean the end of someones career.
Blame when things go wrong is always shoved downward to the least powerful in the system. Investigations into deaths etc take too long and have no outcomes in terms of patient safety.
The only policies that get are up are cheap ones.
Ignorance and laziness are commonplace and often rewarded by promotion. Disillusionment is mandatory for survival.
There is too much to do and more things are added all the time such as IT with almost no training.
Thats a bit depressing dont get sick best advice.

We had two nice dinners in a row, must be a record. Just a bacon and egg roll yesterday simple but very nice. I cook the bacon in the oven which is much nicer than frying it, just had tomato sauce on the roll through cheese, lettuce tomato are options.
Tonight we had corned beef, the eye piece [through I dont know what that is its the best bit according to my mother] The meat goes into a pot of water with a bay leaf, some vinegar, pepper corns, onion mustard powder and some ginger. I dont think they are the usual things altogether but I thought well I will just put in the flavours I like and simmered it for 2 hours. It tasted very nice. We had potato salad in lettuce leaves and slices of cucumber. I made potato salad with a vinegar and olive oil dressing. I dont like that slimy white stuff. I cut up an onion very thinly and put some dijon mustard (the one with the nice little seeds), sweet chilli sauce and salt and pepper. Sometimes I put lots of fresh herbs in the dressing and sometimes use different oils like mustard oil or macadamia oil.
I did aquarobics with a friend and after we had breakfast at the beach. I had fruit and banana bread. Then we brought some plants some lettuce, a rododendron, some ferns. Visited my mother, we had another swim in the evening and that was my day.

Kinda boring day. The morning spent sorting thru papers paying mothers bills and sorting papers for financial advisor. The afternoon talked to financial advisor about her money. Used to have it with Goldman Saks JB Were but they dont manage people with money under 2mill expected her to set up a website and discuss her investments with them, just at the moment she lost her short term memory thanks boys so long and thanks for all the losses HIH and Centro. These people are locals which is easier for us and smaller so might be more interested in her. Anyway they will give us a quote to do a plan so we will see.
We went to the beach to have coffee looking over the harbour.



Well daughter helped me create a account with photo bucket to import a photo I dont think I followed too well but maybe it will work so here goes its very beautiful.

Sometimes I think I am going to get it all together, make that list, do those things, be in order but days never turn out like that I will learn to download photos thru, one day. Today I had a different day planned but you have to be more organic. Was going to see my mother after the gym but my friends father has had a stroke so I went to have lunch with her at the hospital. She has been very good to me with my mother. There are times in your life when friendships make a big difference. With my first baby I was very tired, she never slept and mothering brought up lots of issues about my own childhood, I suppose I had postnatal depression but that was not acknowledged much then. A girl I worked with, who I hadn't really known outside work rang me and dragged me off to a mothers group she was going to. I think it really saved me from a much worse time and taught me to reach out to people more. After all whats the worse can happen they reject you and the best that you gain a new friend. Not that I'm very good at it but at least I try with friends to be there for them. I think its impossible to bring up children without help and it is amazing how you are just about to despair with all you have to do when another mother will offer to help.
The other day I was lying in the pool counting all the trees in my little rainforest they are: a macadamia nut tree, a white cedar, two bangalow palms, a cabbage tree palm, a rainforest tree I dont know, an illawarra flame tree, a silky oak [grevilla robusta]
a japanese maple, a cane palm, still little native frangipani {hasnt got room to grow yet} a camilla struggling on. Our old neighbours told us there was a spring in that corner of the yard I think I believe it for all these trees to thrive right through the drought with no watering only a bin for mulch making. There is also a white banksia rose and a wisteria growing up the silky oak. A garden designer Sorenson liked to put silky oaks with jacarandas and illawarra flame trees then you would have magical years when they all flowered together so you would have yellow with purple and red. I've never seen that done anywhere else but it should be.

We went to the races it was so cool. I have never seen those beautiful horses running down the track. Things in real are so much more powerful than just pictures or TV. We put bets on 4 horses and won three, the last one came fourth. It was interesting coz you can see the people really like the horses so much the jockeys and the people leading them. We went out to look at the horses to choose one which was the only way that made sense, thru there is no way we could choose. So I just picked the prettiest. Its funny to have got so old and never to have gone to the races my grandfather was a handicaper whatever that is and went to all the races in Adelaide. He never missed a Melbourne Cup. I like to do new things, its amazing how many new things you can do in your own town.
We were talking today about getting old, how it seems to consist of going travel and coming home to be surveyed for disease its funny I do not want to be tested and xrayed and jabbed. So much of medicine is about testing and so little about curing. Then the great payoff, survival in a nursing home. Eat drink and be merry we say. I am reading Michael Crichtons " Next." The genetics of us is so complicated you can see the disasters coming these nutters are playing very dangerous games and the consequences are so unpredictable. I dont worry much I dont know why. Don Juan says he has not agreed to get old I am with him. That matters and to love the earth which nurtures us. The nagual says that only love of the earth will take away our saddness. I think I look at the earth at the edges of things but it is the centre.

I put down as an extra interest the aussie stock market so I could look up other blogs with same interest but only one in Melbourne good ideas but hasnt written for ages prob being paid for advice and who would want wade in at the moment stock market yuck except for gold a bit buying opportunity or it hasnt bottemed yet. I've only taken an interest last few months (when the taxi drivers are talking shares its time to get out....) Oh well have made quite a few mistakes thinking Leighton was over valued at $24 haha. Did buy BHP which is all that is keeping us a little afloat its been lots of fun and houses are still fairly cheap in Broken Hill if we go out backwards. Got some Nab the other day now down a dollar but I do like the banks figure if they really go it wont matter much we'll all be gone. Of course after I brought news that they are involved in some subprime slime. Prob should have shoved the money with investment fund but not as much fun.
We have 2 new TV shows Dexter and The Riches they are so good there hasnt been much since Buffy, Angel and Firefly. We like the Gilmore Girls most of the time. I must try Joss Weldon as a link mighten get so many christians there seem to be a lot of them. Dexter is worth watching for the titles alone and how many shows can you say that about despite the wonderous tech.
Oh my tip is Austen engineering haha its been good to me well that should burn the market up.
See you got to have my evening swim before it gets too dark. Going to the races tomorrow first time wish me luck.

I've been wandering round blog world too much to take in really greek, chinese japanese tech stuff etc. Feel very plain world oh well. watching the FA cup Lverpool playing Luton.
This is summer here
With the cicardas drilling sound into the night
A grasshopper clicking hopefully
The mandavilla flowers, white lanterns of scent
A romance just standing
In the soft warm darkness
You feel that you can pull the night around you
Like dreams
Almost safe if safe meant anything
Laughter if laughter meant freedom

And do not forget the salty black waves
There is nothing like surfing the twilight
Ocean danger and oneness rolling in.

I'd forgotten about those magical evenings bodyboarding to near darkness. Its very dangerous because you cant see the waves until they're nearlly on top of you plus the sharks feed in the evening but is so amazingly peaceful and beautiful. I am really upset this year because I have a frozen shoulder for some reason and it lasts for an average of 30 months. Its really hard to manage a bodyboard one armed. Still its starting to get better. I hope it will be alright in a few months.
Now Newcastle are playing Stoke but I 'm going to sleep. might play golf tomorrow if I'm game enough. I get quite scared of golf its a hard four hrs esp in summer will see if I wake up in time!

Should be in bed its late and I'm fooling around on the computer. Want to go to gym in the morning but I'll be sleeping if I dont go soon . Sometimes I feel like my whole world has turned upside down. On saturdays I would take the paper to my mothers and we'd have tea and read the news. Thats all gone now she is in the nursing home. I wish that she had agreed to move in with us before but she didn't want to and now we couldnt live with her or look after her properly she is awake all night calling out and getting out of bed. They are going to try her on more sleeping tablets. Often I feel like there is an abyss of sadness but I can't go there anymore life is too brief and it doesnt change anything.
sleep well.