Check ups

I went to the pacemaker clinic this week thats a 6 month visit. I didn't want to go but I couldn't ring up to cancel. I thought I will just listen to my ipod and pretend I wasn't there. It just upsets me so much to go to that place.  I dont want to be under surveillance all the time. The nurse was really nice and made an effort to talk to me and knew the answers to lots of my questions which no one else has bothered answering. 

She made some changes but I feel kind of crappy and really tired the rest of the week. It feels like it wears you out. She said she will ask the pacemaker rep about some other problems I have. I blurted out all the emotional stuff so now there is more reason not to go back. I didnt make another appointment but just said ring me if you find out anything and I thought I was really clever that she wouldn't remember and I could just not go back. But she rang to go back next week. So now I am really embarrassed and stressed. On the surface things are better in my head but underneath I am very bitter. I hate being alive because of this horrible machine and never feeling alright. It takes so much energy to live I dont feel like I have any. My golf has improved a bit through. I am not too bad at work if people dont talk about it and at golf because you have to concentrate on something else.