between the windows of the sea where lovely mermaids flow and nobody has to think too much about desolation row

      Its funny really when you are young desolation seems romantic, angst seems desirable. I liked the absurdist plays waiting for godot etc.  The real challenge turns out to be really dealing with loss and illness and getting old with cheerfulness and bravery. I went to have tea with golf friend and saw lots of the ladies from golf, they gave me kisses and best wishes and were very encouraging. I know they've been though lots of this stuff and come out swinging, so to speak. 

       Yesterday I got a bit freaked out, went to see some dancing in a very hot hall. Had a cup of tea after and a cake and felt terrible like I was going to faint or vomit. Not very heat tolerant. 

We had another hot day a week or so ago I felt awful too. I looked up the pacemaker site to see how other people tolerated hot weather. Some people did have problems with it. When you think about it your body has gone from functioning a certain way, to functioning in heart block mode to functioning with a pacemaker add to that menopause years and thats a lot of change to get used too. I'll have to remember to take some water with me and not drink hot drinks. Its like relearning your physical body plus you get anxious because you think whatever happens might be a sign that something bad is going to happen.

      Years ago at the children's hospital someone told me this story. The wonderful professor who looked after the leukemia children would give the parents his phone no to call if they had any problems (he was such a humble and nice man for the first couple of days I worked in the clinics I thought he was the cleaner). One of the mothers called in the middle of the night as she'd got very worried about spots on her child's bald head. Turned out to be mosquito bites and she thought there should be a support group you could get in touch with and not wake the prof up over the little things. Before the days of the internet they would get in touch with families newly diagnosed and give them nos to call for help and advice.

       I always learnt most of my medical stuff from patients, texts always seem so dry and generalized whereas the anecdotal stayed in my memory. Also didnt like studying.

        Anyway I was angsting about all this to my friend after we did aquarobics this morning worried that I wouldn't manage work. She said take it one day at a time and see how it goes. If its too much think about a clinic job or something. Obvious but sometimes just need someone to say it to me, plus I am not going to get in a state over little things. They have put me on a 1.30pm shift my first day back which I've told them before I cant work that time so I am going to ring and get them to change it instead of stressing about it all week as usual. Well my turn on the Wii fit.