One shift week

I was supposed to work thursday night but we played a stroke round of golf for a ridiculous 51/2 hrs, I dont know why it was so slow and I was too tired so I had a sickie, also I'd done zumba on tuesday night which was really good but exhausting. I wish they wouldnt put me down to work on thursdays I can hardly walk after golf but I dont want to miss it because I've missed so much this year and I will loose the fitness to do it. I was supposed to work friday night but they rang just as I went for a sleep before work to say would I like to work the afternoon instead, yes yes yes. So I just did my afternoon shift. Our ward is the winter bed plan they give us extra staff so we get filled up with general patients so I had a cancer patient and a girl with an infection as well as the maternity  patients. They said about the ca lady if she gets a temp do the something protocol I said the what?? They said ring the cancer ward and ask them. Its weird to go from babies to someone with cancer through funny enough the Mums are much more stressy than the general patients.

My husband is telling me a funny story about depression amongst his nursing home people. If you diagnose depression in a patient you get more money for their care so they go round doing depression assessments on them and if they score they send of the results to their doctors to get them to sign them up as depressed. So tonight one of the doctors rushed in to see his patient who was supposed to be depressed, an emergency situation! To make matters worse they had sent him the details of the wrong patient something no one realized till later. He duly visited his patient who was very cheerful and seemed to have recovered from her depression and was very pleased to see him. This is the mad micromanagement of Canberra in action. 

I think hospitals are the maddest places ever.

Romeo and Juliet

We went to the ballet it was really beautiful. Keep expecting them to speak through. It makes you think about the story because there are no words, it is such a boy story really fighting and gangs and knifings and yet I always saw it as a girl thing. So much great boy dancing the guys must love it. Its weird how much I like classical music again, it feels like the only thing I can feel properly. 

We are going to the beach for lunch ahead of the rain. Its so cold this year. 

"I remember he said he 'catastrophised' everything. " I read that about a guy who had depression. Thats what I do I am waiting all the time for the next disaster and everything becomes it from a broken plate to a scratch on the new car, (yeah already). My husband says you have to be resilient, lucky I was driving or I might have hit him. But no one gets the charmed life really. 

election day

I get a news letter from Alan Kohler financial writer because I am playing the ASX stockmarket game again and then you get it free for a while. I think they are may be the news of the future but I am too mean to subscribe so maybe they are not the future, there is enough free reading out there and you already pay internet time. I think the internet providers should pay the content providers because why would anyone use the internet without content. Anyway all this goes on with the money gods above us. He said he thought the election had been really interesting, well dramatic yes but interesting no, being told what you know is lies is not interesting. 

We walked to the polling booth so combining our walk and our voting, we voted Greens which will make a difference if they get a few in the senate. There were 2 ads in the papers about private schools urging people not to vote green and health funds doing the same, more than enough reason for me. This town always gets a labor person in except the year the unions were angry with the labour party and backed a green candidate. I dont understand through why those old lines exist through do people really vote because some stupid union tells them so. I think they vote their personal interest, well thats not always true either. The future is the problem its unpredictability. Fleets of public servants try to predict policy outcomes but almost everything has its good and bad side. At least the future is interesting.  

I have one principle  I never do opinion polls and I think everyone else should not do them and then see what the politicians try to double guess us, ha.

pacemaker

This is what it feels like one day you are normal, even if normal to you is slow and tired. The next day they put that thing in you and its like you have moved to another town you dont know anyone everything looks strange, no one answers your questions and no one knows anything. You think things will get normal again.  Then you realize you cant leave there is a barb wire ring fence around you you are a prisoner of your circumstances, the only way out is death and you think about that a lot. Then the guard hits you not painful but constant with every beat like a soft pounding so that you feel bashed up all the time. 

You wish that it had never been invented you feel dead but you cant die if you talk about it they get upset and say but we will grieve so its good you're alive, but I'm not I say I'm pretending all the time I dont feel anything. I dont care about anything I'm hollow. I think maybe I should take a pill to make me happy or keep busy or active or work. I do all that except the pill. There is one thing through that is a little bit of freedom I dont care anymore. That is freedom. Nothing changes but everything is different.  I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. 

Back to fake life and work which I hate because its where they did this to me and everyone knows about it and tries to ask me questions and I feel like a freak. I wont talk to anyone about it now. Except a spaz attack at my husband. 

Last night I woke up and felt so weird I thought it had stopped working and I was going to die, then it went back to normal. You get shit like that all the time weird pains and feelings which nobody can explain. I wonder if I will ever think it is worth having it.