happy day

Dont know why some days just feel better. The first week post PM I felt sort of euphoric maybe the painkillers and better than how I'd felt before, then this week I've been tired and a bit depressed. Like a reaction set in. But today I felt alright, normal. 

No answer fits

I am still trying to get my head around this pacemaker thing yesterday I decided that I was fine my heart was better and the pacemaker didnt need to work at all. I liked that idea it could sit there but it wasnt really necessary. You get some really funny thoughts and now I feel like I'm going to be J with the pacemaker forever. At first I was compulsively telling everyone they would say how are you and I would tell them, then the other day someone asked and I said good which I am. I thought I dont have to tell everyone.

I know more about the heart in 2 weeks than I've ever known and I am madly researching why. I thought I had it with a vagal response but my husband pointed out the error in that.  I need the medical library at work. 

We are going to Canberra to see  the art exhibition next week VanGogh and others. On monday I can take the dressing off. Wonder if I can go for a swim. Have to see what the wound looks like. There is an online pacemaker club mostly USA which I was reading. It was sort of helpful.  I miss golf a lot and body boarding and swimming. I'm glad I can still do those things in a little while. 

Guess all thats left to do is go shopping

Went to meet 2 friends for lunch and some shopping. Walked around all afternoon successfully bought some shorts, a top, pants, sandals, 2 rings and some ear rings my little celebration of being alive. Last night I got upset I thought they'd put the pacemaker in unnecessarily pacemaker salesmen now I was a customer for life, a captured market. In the light of day that seems a bit paranoid. Nothing like feeling better to think you didn't need treatment. 

Unbelievable

This whole week but I guess someone has to get stuff. I was talking to a medical student about illness. I said I think people have scenarios of illness in their mind but I didn't imagine heart block at all. But I was crap at cardiac stuff could never get my head around ECGs so I didn't have a clue. The rest of the week became a big research project because I wanted to know why it happened. I haven't read a lot of the real academic stuff more the general information. The only thing the specialist said was old age, which didn't explain much. My LMO said he thought infection could do it and its associated with having rheumatoid  arthritis which I think I have but not too badly. 

Still I am very lucky to be treated quickly and well and without cost. I am getting used to the idea of a pacemaker always there and its better than being as exercise intolerant as I was getting. My golf was getting very crappy. I cant play golf for 6 weeks and I cant swim for 2 weeks or tennis.  Of all the heart conditions this one is pretty treatable. 

I wish I knew what caused it. I thought it had been happening for a while but maybe not. Its hard to remember. 

Complete Block

Sunday just a bit of a daze, barely any sleep dozing in between visits from family and my ward staff. Doctor back to ask if I'd decided to have the pacemaker.  Then he came back again after looking at my ECG and said there is no choice its 3rd degree heart block and I had to have the pacemaker on monday. Asked my husband to come in on his own so I could talk to him about the pacemaker and ask him what he thinks, and give him advice about coping without me in case, he didn't take the bossing around from the prospective grave well. Said not to talk about that they will manage. He went to work and the kids came later.

Asked the nurse if I should fast but she said I probably wouldn't get done tomorrow, I wasn't on the list and the list was full. I was kind of relieved messaged husband. 

On monday saw the registrar she said they'd do an angiogram and check the heart, I thought good then she said the specialist said no I didnt need one, then someone came to take me for an angiogram. Everything looked normal unlike patient staff communications. Through perhaps confused is normal.I came back and got a cup of tea but I asked the nurse if I could drink it. She found out I was going for the pacemaker. I felt like I was in a flooded creek just swept along I felt sick from nerves and I didnt want to tell anyone. They put up some IVI antibiotics and I listened to some classical music. I thought they would give me some sedation but they didnt. I felt so upset but the nurses where really nice. 

The procedure was quite painful but it didnt take very long but it was quite an awful feeling of something going into your heart. As usual what staff will tell patients is painless was quite painful and emotionally very disturbing. Mostly through you never find that out till you are on the other side. 

After the pacemaker they lost interest in me off the monitor and fewer obs and less worried glances. In the morning the pacemaker adjusted, pharmacist seen, doctor seen then off home. To feel very odd and tell this story about 50 times. Have walked 2 hills successfully, I didnt realize how wary I'd become when exercising and I've lost a lot of fitness.

Saturday

I dont know when someone said I had 2nd degree heart block  and I didnt know what that meant really. The ward nurse changed the leads to the top of my shoulders saying if you have a pacemaker they wont do it if the skin is mucky because of the leads. I just looked at her pacemaker? thats extreme. Later the heart physician came around and said my thyroid was a bit low and they would put me on some thyroxin. Ok I thought thats whats caused the bradycardia no he says its not that low it wouldn't have caused that you have 2nd degree heart block you have to decide if you want a pacemaker. Then he outlined the procedure and how good the heart surgeon is, I said do I really need that, I think I was in shock, dont interrupt he said and continued the prepared speech. If you dont have one and you go home and collapse you wont be able to drive for 3 months.

I felt like Alice down the rabbit hole what was this world where they suggested sticking wires in my perfectly well if a little slow heart. I rang my husband to print off some info and asked one of the nurses for something about my condition. She gave me a folder written for a five year old but my husband and wiki came through with the basic stuff. The only answer for why they gave me was old age. Actually when I read the info I could see where they were coming from, what seemed strange to me was so obvious to them they couldnt explain properly. There is no other treatment than pacing. You can diagnose the condition definitively on ECG and according to the echogram and the enzyme? studies I hadn't had a heart attack. 

Through the night the girls said I had gone into complete heart block for 35mins and they were thinking of waking me. The lit said 2nd degree can progress rapidly to 3rd degree or complete block. I'm glad they didnt that was probably all the sleep I got. 

Whats wrong

I went to work on friday night feeling not well but not knowing exactly why. I knew my pulse was weirdly low and  I was feeling really tired and even walking down the corridor made me feel exhausted . I thought is my hemoglobin low, is my thyroid not functioning properly, am I getting asthma or old age, tiredness from playing golf for two days. I was taking vitamins and trying to do more fitness work. 

I got my mums sorted a bit and then did my blood pressure and pulse on the machine. My BP was ok as usual but my pulse was 45 I said to one of the girls do you think they would be worried about that in A&E. She said she thinks they'd admit you with that pulse. We decided that I should go to cas and get them to call me when they can see me. I went down and they triaged me and took me into one of the beds next minute they took blood put a cannula in, did an ECG and put me on a monitor. It was weird actually watching my pulse of 45 the nurse said stop watching it and turned the monitor away. There was a little parade of doctors I told my story to of vague symptoms a couple of colds breathlessness and feeling faint but not actually fainting. I think the first thing I noticed was getting breathless going up a small hill and having to stop to get my breath. They said they were going to admit me. I wanted to go and move my car but they wouldnt let me. I was trying to figure out what to do about the car. I cant remember what they said about the slow heart rate. It just felt really strange to be there but a relief too I was so tired of worrying about what was wrong now it was somebody elses worry so I just dozed on and off. I rang the girls on the ward to tell them what was happening and rang home. At 5am they moved me onto the cardiac step down ward and put me on a monitor. The girls came up from the ward and took my car home which was really nice of them.