pacemaker

This is what it feels like one day you are normal, even if normal to you is slow and tired. The next day they put that thing in you and its like you have moved to another town you dont know anyone everything looks strange, no one answers your questions and no one knows anything. You think things will get normal again.  Then you realize you cant leave there is a barb wire ring fence around you you are a prisoner of your circumstances, the only way out is death and you think about that a lot. Then the guard hits you not painful but constant with every beat like a soft pounding so that you feel bashed up all the time. 

You wish that it had never been invented you feel dead but you cant die if you talk about it they get upset and say but we will grieve so its good you're alive, but I'm not I say I'm pretending all the time I dont feel anything. I dont care about anything I'm hollow. I think maybe I should take a pill to make me happy or keep busy or active or work. I do all that except the pill. There is one thing through that is a little bit of freedom I dont care anymore. That is freedom. Nothing changes but everything is different.  I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. 

Back to fake life and work which I hate because its where they did this to me and everyone knows about it and tries to ask me questions and I feel like a freak. I wont talk to anyone about it now. Except a spaz attack at my husband. 

Last night I woke up and felt so weird I thought it had stopped working and I was going to die, then it went back to normal. You get shit like that all the time weird pains and feelings which nobody can explain. I wonder if I will ever think it is worth having it.