another day another bid

Went back to see the house we saw last week, had another think about it and a talk to sister overseas. Was going to give up looking but then I thought this might be her last chance to buy some property because of age and jobs and circumstance. Asked if she was committed to buying it. Took my husband with me but he doesn't like it he likes new and shiny and this house is old and needs some reno but is solid and has a nice view in the backyard and I can see her liking it. There is a one bedroom unit in town that we are thinking of, so that might be an option if this falls through. Its weird you wonder what different paths people will take if you buy in one place or another. Especially if you are buying for someone else. We are waiting for the real estate to ring I feel really nervous. I was going to wait till we saw the other place but I think this house will sell this week. There isn't much in that lower price range. 

We are working this afternoon. I've been doing a lot of reflection on nursing and it isnt good. I feel like I've been intimidated, bullied, abused ever since I started nursing, like that is how people are trained. I rarely go to work feeling confident. My sister says hospitals are all horrible thats why they cant get people to work in them, and I'm lucky to only work 2 days a week. tru dat. Also I should stop whinging about the heart block lucky she is os because I wanted to hit her.I am getting very angry about it now is that an improvement feeling something rather than just dead, I dont know. 

The winter soltice

Its a grey day where the grey seems to go from sky to ground. Yesterday was the shortest day and very cold to. I feel hopeless really. I read and read but I have no hope of getting better so I just have to endure more life. Everyone is home and they are cheerful but I feel like crying because I have run out of hope and no doctor gives me any or any medical article. I have been distracting myself looking for a house for my sister to buy but one fell through and the market is getting heated and the real estate people are so dodgy. Also when the market goes up its like high tide it brings out all the rubbish for ridiculous prices so you end up seeing awful properties. 

I want to go upstairs and go back to bed and cry and cry. 

hey Mr Tamborine Man

Thats the song in my head maybe the first Bob Dylan song I ever heard the Byrds singing it I couldnt believe someone singing that feeling of not quite being anywhere. 

We went to Sydney to see the craft show and a friend of a friend asked about the heart thing and I told her how awful it all is and then had another stress out at my husband in the evening. I swore I wouldn't talk to anyone about it anymore and then I do, stupid. Nothing they can say or do makes any difference. People just don't like hearing you say you'd rather have died. Its the truth death felt really peaceful after all the grief and I was really tired. death is soothing. I think I've moved away from feeling so bad about being alive with this piece of shit in me but I wouldn't say I'm glad to be alive. Anyway I dont really believe I'm ok cant believe anything that would kill off your heart like that is just going to be ok or a piece of shit technology is going to be ok. Anyway I think I will whinge here and stop whinging at people. 

pajama day and I dreamt of tomatoes and Cinderella

Worked 2 evenings good and no one asked anything about my health that was really good I kind of hide if anyone comes around that I haven't seen for a while because I dont want to talk about it because I dont want to think about it but then I worry about being asked. Follow that? I think word must have gone round that I spit the dummy when asked about it because even the most inquisitive are silent. I love the way with nurses you only have to tell one person something if you want everyone to know. Such a handy trait. 

Last week on nights I protested about having the new admission as I had 2 new caesars and others but in charge person (who is a friend) says that makes 7 each, through 7 buzzing all night does not equal 7 sleeping. Anyway this week another one in charge says I notice you have two caesars a lot but we all have to do that sometimes. I said I dont mind sometimes but every week is not fair. Actually I didn't used to complain but now I just feel so tired sometimes I just cant walk that corridor so many times. 

When I picked up my husband from work I said I dont think I can do this anymore I could hardly walk to the car but actually when I started nursing at 18 I had to lie down for an hour or so after work because I couldn't stand up. Infinite needs (patients) finite resources (me). Sometimes you feel bleed dry. When I did the history of Malaysia they talked about the Indians they'd brought over to work the plantations because the malays were thought not capable of such hard work. When they returned to Indian they called them squeezed oranges. 

I looked after a lovely lady over 40, 1st baby from Iraq she called the baby Cinderella so pretty, she said everybody is dead in  Iraq. Wars are so horrible. Its all the other damage to infrastructure like hospitals as well as the straight out deaths. She said it is so nice here with health care. 

I dreamt of tomatoes  because all my joints are so sore and they get bad when I eat tomatoes. We are going to have pasta with tomato sauce for dinner but I am going to put some milk in the sauce hoping that stops the sore joint effect by cutting the acid. I think I definitely have to get tested for arthritis because I get so sore sometimes.

Oh and pajama day. One of the girls says they have pj day when they and the kids stay in their pjs and clean the house then they put the pjs in the wash and they shower and everyone and thing is clean. What a good idea. 

saturday

We are working afternoon shift so not much time, cant believe how long since I have written anything. Its been a very rainy and busy few weeks. Sisters house fell through vendors decided that because they got an offer quickly it must be worth more and have taken it off the market. Like people who think they need ten husbands. Anyway probably well out nice location but needing a lot of upgrading. Real estate offering another property going to look at next week, sister gone back overseas, so up to us. 

Played golf yesterday and some bitch starts about my heart so I nearly left so fed up with being reminded by people, another one starts later and I did the I dont talk about it then they hang disappointed, as if they give a shit. I think I will end up quite solitary which will be good I hang too much off peoples opinions and ideas and there is no freedom in that. Maybe that will be a good outcome that I distance myself from people. 

swimming in the rain

Such a lovely swim pouring with rain but warm in the best pool in the world. Thinking how long we have swum there since the kids were little. Used to be a canteen next to the pool run by Korean family so we would swim with the smell of noodles and soy across the pool. Poor students used to buy a bowel of rice and flavour it with soy and wasabi. We would spend the swim thinking about what we would eat for lunch very pleasant. Unfortunately they replaced it with a plastic food place. The food is made before and heated up, I guess some of it might be alright but after the Korean food we couldnt be bothered.