the winner!

I won 3rd grade at golf today and went down 1 in my handicap at last. I nearly nearly got in the zone. It a silly expression but when you do you can do no wrong. Unfortunately I did quite a lot wrong but that was good because I still managed to play well and maybe the zone day is still out there. I picked up the golf balls I'd won I thought I'd only got a couple but there was 6 nice. Next week I'm playing with a lady I really like she came 2nd shes frightened we might have peaked!. I'm soo tired but in a good way. 

the temptation of misery

I dont know why I am inclined to be unhappy, it is not my predilection really but perhaps it feels like home it absolves me of involvement. We grew up with a depressed mother, real depression, not my occasional teary imitation. I think will I bother going on with my projects and sport and stuff does it have any meaning but then you do because someone rings you and asks you to play golf with them, or you get a big idea currently to build a garage and granny flat at the side of the house and someone gives you a designers name she sounds good when you ring her, you get excited by a project and sucked in to being alive again when really you just want to sulk.

Blood and aqua and shopping.

She was ok thank goodness they took her back to theatre, she had a high vaginal tear that needed repairing you cant get them to stop bleeding without suturing but then they dont gush just trickle constantly. Her Hb not too bad wont need blood unless symptomatic. We had a reasonable 2nd night but they are starting 10hr nights. I dont think they will be able to cover the shifts oh well I dont want to do them so we will see what happens. I get so stressed over this stuff but its not worth it. Maybe just take long service and look for something else. 

I did aqua today and breakfast at the local cafe nice. 

We talk superannuation and retirement at work now, and  shares and property. It doesnt look as grim as it did. This week we went op shopping, 2nd hand charity shops really fun. I am keen on pyrex dishes at the moment and other stuff. We looked at the new (to me) antique centre. Its one of those places where they rent out small spaces to different shop owners and have a person serving for all of them. I am trying to talk my friend into starting one between her house and mine we can stock it no problems! Really it would just be cheap storage for all our junk! 

This afternoon I am going to a piano recital so I better get ready. Its a beautiful afternoon the new leaves are bright green and shining and there is a gentle little breeze not the gale they were predicting, yet. 

The piano recital was fantastic, a Russian girl. I dont know much about music but I think she might be really really good.

Enlightenment

I bought a book by the Dalai Lama about the Buddhist path to enlightenment or something I figure if he cant make me feel better no one can. Corse its all about selflessness and serving others unlike those totally stupid ads "its all about you." I think humans need selflessness to survive all the crap we dish up to ourselves and to make us feel worth while. When I  was young I was totally messed up the product of two messed up people then I did nursing which is compulsory selflessness. Between exhaustion and life and death stuff you forget your issues a fair bit and I just loved it, I used to get surprised that they paid us (tho not much). There is so much sweetness in people, in people you wouldnt look twice at you help them a bit and they are so grateful and it makes you feel worth a bit. Crying again thinking of the girl we looked after last night bleeding after delivery we were so worried and she was reassuring everyone, I hope she went ok. 

The clinic person nailed me again sent out a letter with an appointment in 6 months, go away I think just go away and leave me alone. On the bright side maybe I'll be dead by then and not have to go. I'm totally exhausted, there is a little progression change settings, exhilaration because you have more response then you get worn out because things are different again and your body has to adjust again. Also night duty I just cant take being so tired. The big black hasn't gone put it feels contained it doesn't feel unbearable like before. 

I'm going to make a nice dinner hamburgers with mushrooms and cheese yum yum, I wish i had swiss cheese oh well then I'm going to watch David Attenborough non human life is refreshing. and go back to bed. One more night, no more blood please. 

tired of settings

Well I went back to the clinic I definitely was feeling better didnt feel the palpitations all the time and the fullness in my chest and head, even my teeth had felt funny. That was a lot better mostly. She said the rep suggested some adjustments and they hadnt put the top rate up completely which was why I couldnt get my heart rate up properly. I dont know whether to be angry anymore or what. Thats 8 months of feeling crappy. I dont feel too friendly towards that clinic except the nurse who took the time and trouble, finally. She said sorry. 

The thing that feels different is feeling. I feel something again.   

So was it all just the settings that made me feel bad? I don't know, I don't even want to think I feel better in case it gets bad again. I feel much better. I keep thinking it was ages ago but it was only yesterday, it feels like my life was switched on again. Now I'm tired again but thats because I can move faster. Changing settings makes you feel tired for a while.

I got away without making another appointment. I dont think they will want to see me anyway. I feel like a nuisance. I think I can leave it for quite a while as long as I feel alright.

Check ups

I went to the pacemaker clinic this week thats a 6 month visit. I didn't want to go but I couldn't ring up to cancel. I thought I will just listen to my ipod and pretend I wasn't there. It just upsets me so much to go to that place.  I dont want to be under surveillance all the time. The nurse was really nice and made an effort to talk to me and knew the answers to lots of my questions which no one else has bothered answering. 

She made some changes but I feel kind of crappy and really tired the rest of the week. It feels like it wears you out. She said she will ask the pacemaker rep about some other problems I have. I blurted out all the emotional stuff so now there is more reason not to go back. I didnt make another appointment but just said ring me if you find out anything and I thought I was really clever that she wouldn't remember and I could just not go back. But she rang to go back next week. So now I am really embarrassed and stressed. On the surface things are better in my head but underneath I am very bitter. I hate being alive because of this horrible machine and never feeling alright. It takes so much energy to live I dont feel like I have any. My golf has improved a bit through. I am not too bad at work if people dont talk about it and at golf because you have to concentrate on something else. 

Inspirational pebbles

I picked up my husband from work. He told me that there was a bowl of white pebbles in the entrance of the nursing home with words like hope, dream, courage on them. Unfortunately one of the residents with dementia was eating one of the pebbles, so husband put a sticky note in the bowl "Mrs ...... chewing on a pebble" and put the bowl in the facility managers office. He noticed as he came out to the car that the bowl, pebbles and sticky note were back in the foyer. We were inspired to laugh.