Yesterday morning the phone went at 6.30. Mum had deteriorated. We went straight to the home and sat holding her hand she was cyanosed and breathing heavily. I think she knew we were there. My sister had sent flowers for her birthday and we showed them to her. She couldnt talk at all but she didnt seem to be in pain. There was some oral morphine ordered and they gave her some. At 1044 or so I thought that it would be a while and I started to think maybe she would be alright. My older two daughters came to see her, we didnt ask them to come told them what was happening and left it up to them so I was pleased that they come. It is hard to face death. Her breathing slowed down and she took a few diffcult breaths and she died. I felt for her pulse and it was gone.
Today I wish I'd got oxygen for her and a drip and antibiotics and done everything to keep her alive so I didnt feel so awful. I miss her so much already and I see that stretching out for the rest of my life. I feel like I didnt treasure her enough. I couldnt leave till I watched to see if she would breath again I thought I could see movement but she didnt. I was so frightened of her dying frightened of the pain, hers and mine but it was very peaceful. I know we did the right thing she said last year she had had enough. Her younger brother died, her bones were crumbling and her memory was going and she wouldnt eat, she thought everything tasted awful.
She died on her 87 birthday pretty clever. She never liked birthdays much didnt like getting old. I kept thinking about that scene in Little Big Man where the Indian chef decides its a good day to die and he gets Dustan Hoffman to take him up the mountain to die. They wait all day for his death then he says ruefully maybe it isnt that day and they come down from the mountain. I wish
Today the funeral director came to sort out the times and the details. I was alright till we were trying to think of a little line at the bottom of the death notice. Then I kept crying he said they would ring back. We all looked up sayings etc I knew what I wanted to say finally found it "what a wonderful thing it was to be in this beautiful world." Pablito, one of don Juans apprentices says that before the leap into the unknown. She loved and was interested in so many things all her life particularly birds and gardens and the bush. When I think of that I feel a bit more at peace. I think that is what she would have said about life.
We had to decide on some music which was difficult because she never cared much about music then I remembered the time she'd had a new car with a CD player. Someone had put a CD of American civil war music on and she didnt know how to stop it or take it out. On one of the tracks was a reading of a letter written home by a soldier to his mother and found on his body after a battle. She said it made her cry over and over on the way to town finally she got one us to take it out to her relief. We listened to the music on the CD and it was really lovely Shanandoah, the Battle Hymn of the Republic (which my father would sing full voiced while washing up) and some others. Things just come together and feel right somehow. Yesterday feels like a hundred years ago. My sister says she asked a Buddhist monk once why do we grieve he said ignorance.

Feel so twitchy dont know why, tired but didnt do anything much today tiny bit of gardening. The macadaemia tree had lots of nuts around it but the nut cracker I've got is hopeless. Funny coincidence watching The Cook and The Chef (gt cooking program) and they were visiting a macadamia farm and had a better nut cracker so I'm going looking for it in the lovely kitchern shops.
Yesterday I went to see Mum and was talking with one of the nurses. One of the other nurses was checking the lady in the next bed she said theres no pulse nothing not breathing. Its so different from hospital where everyone starts running at that point but in the nursing home its very peaceful almost normal. One of the girls said sorry to me I dont know why except people say funny things death is strange and disturbing no matter how peaceful. Mum looked comparatively healthy. I gave her some more lemonade which along with some sustegen is all she will have. She makes faces when you give her any solid food. Then I left, the lady's son was coming in and I'd never met him. Its funny I've seen his mother nearly every day for months. Its not the time to meet strangers.
That all feels like a hundred years ago. I was thinking of the play we saw Joan Didion's "The Year of Magical Thinking" about the death of her husband and her daughter. Maybe magical thinking is true human thinking the old thinking before rationality, maybe thats how we deal with death. When my father died I wore a t-shirt of his for a long time but I couldn't talk about him and barely think about him. I still see something and think Dad would be interested in that. A while after he died I dreamt that he was
reborn. I looked at all the babies at work to see if they were him but its hard to tell with babies.
Grief is a kind of madness and all the time you know it a stupid waste of time.

ahh why do I start writing this 5 mins before I have to go to work. It is so hot today 28 after a cold week. Supposed to have a storm this evening. I wonder how that hurricane is doing in texas you always hope they verve away but it looked so big on he satillite pictures. better go get ready.
Next day what a shitty evening. over numbers again extra midwife again 2 casual pool one of our staff off in the birthing unit then an en to help. Some good en's but not this one supposed to do obs but was listening to her handing out advice and baby cuddling, like they havent been cuddled for hours no answer buzzers and no obs done then want to chat to you. So many useless people in the system barely trained and not in the area they are put in. Anyway I have to just get an attitude to deal with the place. I dont do other peoples work unless they help me to or or I think they are working at least as hard as me. The first thing jettisoned is all the mad paperwork except for ward lists. (We had a lady wander out at 1am once asking about her treatment who was not on any list or reported on or her notes in the folder)
Next day (I wrote a diary once and it was stunningly boring so mustnt blog like that). Another another busy shift but we had 5 midwives on so that was much better and you get time to look after people birthing unit were making an effort to help us with our admission doing some of the obs before they came and having things organised and make everyone feel better and more friendly. I started learning the computer discharge program but I dont have a pass word yet. Have to go to an education day. I suspect we taking over the docs discharge notes, they were always having to do that, that wouldnt be a bad idea, rather have them doing the ward work and how would they remember anyone days later.
Yet again a blocked urinary catheter after a caesar, leaking into the bed, filling up the bladder, causing more pain than necessary. I have tried and tried to get someone to look at this but no one is interested. I wonder if I can do some research proving there is a problem. Maybe I could just put a notice up and say what I think is happening and people can add names and what action they took. Personally I think they need bigger bore catheters but maybe they think this causes more trauma.
On another note one of the casual staff has sussed big surprise I am not entirely happy at work and suggests other jobs. She says there are these telephone triage jobs. We of course get quite a few phone calls from Mums with problems at home unfortunately the next one I took was from a mum with a 5 week old semi-breast feed baby who wanted to have a few drinks and how long would she have to not feed for. I directed her to a help line and away from my outrage, maybe teli triage isnt my thing.
Its hot again today I played very bad tennis this morning, in the grove for three shots then hit the gutter. Half want to go for body board but the ocean is very cold even with a wetsuit brainfreeze now its got a bit late so might just have a tea and cake at the beach chicken.

I've been reading blogs of note cakewreaks which is so funny and running a hospital which is really interesting. it would be so good to have someone in charge who is actually interested in how the place runs and focused on the work. I think am I working at the worst hospital in NSW or Australia but there is no way to know that. They put the newsletter up on the toilet wall I guess they know only a captive audience will read it. The guy in charge does his little homilies in it. We are lucky to live in a land of freedom and free speech but if you speak out and identify yourself as a member of the hospital oh well thats not right. What a creepy bunch these people are, you just slave away in silence you lowlifes while we build our brilliant careers and we will close anything and destroy anything we are told to. Bitter oh yes. I wonder if it was worth anything nursing that is. It fed my children I suppose that will have to do. How many jobs really matter much. Nursing just feels like a job that feeds off your insecurities to bleed you dry of work and make you feel inadequate. You can do 99% right in a day but someone will be bound to tell you the bit you forgot.
I'm upset at the moment because someone told me that at another hospital in the group they have a ratio of one nurse to 5 mothers and ours is one to 7 and they frequently go over that. Bear in mind 7 mothers include up to 7 babies so that is a lot of patients to look after. Plus our turnover of patients is huge, 50 patient movements in a day was the record , counting mothers and babies in and out of the ward. Really I think I'm nuts staying there. Oh well not much longer to retirement I hope.
This is very whingy but I'm mad with myself for saying I would do an extra shift tonight. I forgot I am going out to dinner.
On a cheerful note I have a nice new jumper very superficial and I'm reading a good book a kate atkinson I heard her interviewed on the radio.