We had two quiet nights at work which was nice we all talked about things all night. One of the girls mother had died suddenly 8 years ago I asked if she felt better after a while but she said not really she still wants to tell her mother things but it did get a bit better. I think I am just going to have to get used to feeling crummy sometimes. Its been busy for so long at work that we never get any time to debrief about things. We save those bastards in management a lot of money in stress leave and nervous breakdowns by the simple act of tea and lunchbreaks but they didnt even build tea rooms on the wards because someone complained to some politician about seeing nurses eating on a ward.
I once worked at Sydney Hospital, next door in parliament house they were building an indoor swimming pool, in the hospital the showers and toilets were on an open veranda it was very cold in winter. That was a life lesson, but amongst nurses fav sayings is "what comes around goes around." Not profound but helpful in putting up with difficult people, especially the "do you know who I am do you know who I am."
Two girls at work have had granddaughters born last couple of weeks, I have grandmother envy. They say it is better than having your own. It is really exciting. I remember when their kids were born. Been there too long.
I am really depressed sometimes about spending most of my working life in the nasty hospital but maybe being in a crap place trying to do good is more valuable than being in a good place where it is easy to do good. I think it is probably better in a good place after a while everyone gets infected with the creepiness. Are there any good hospitals I wonder. I know some people have good experiences in hospitals but I just find nursing totally stressful.

Back to golf today that was nice through I didnt want to go. A friend said she didnt leave home for 6 weeks after her mother died, I feel like I'm just supposed to be normal but I dont feel so normal, I'm glad other people feel like that. I only played little golf the nine hole comp at the small course, havent been quite able to face the 18 hole comp. at the big club. Maybe next week.
Came home to do some gardening and had a stupidaster (disaster caused by stupiity). We had a bean bag in the pool years ago and made a mess when the beans escaped swore I would never do that again, well you know did it again was trying to take pull the bean bag out of the pool and it split. Polystyrene world all over the pool and surroundings. The afternoon spent scooping them up off everything NEVER BUY HUGE BAGS OF MANMADE CRAP again.
I really am going to try and be more organic etc. On a happier note I potted up some tomatoes heritage kinds fron Diggers Seeds.
Work tonight so going to sleep.
Another mad weekend at work cant even talk about it madness takes its toll. I was not good. Feel better today realised I was crying with this weird idea that if I cry enough she will come back, your Mum always comes when you cry doesnt she. There is stuff that goes on that is not at your thinking level at all its at your feelings and in your child levels. Got worn out of tears kind of weary of it all. Four weeks, getting further and further away I hate that, life drags you on.

Today is like me it cant decide to be hot or cold windy rainy or sunny so it trying to be all of them at once. Its what I feel like I want to read my book Susan Cooper "The Dark is Rising" series childrens fantasy books but the petulant princess has pinched it, buy some shares ?Leightons ?Sims ?Blackmores ?cant decide. Do some more spring cleaned and throwing out the layers of junk we have accumulated filling the opshops and of course gardening. but really we are going to look at project homes to get an idea of bathroom reno as both our bathrooms are in need of repair one isnt functional.
Better go he has his shoes on.

duh I have flu it is not good. Had it for a week so far but I went back to work last night. I needed my roster and I think I needed some normal at least my version of same. Cant hide at home forever, mostly I feel ok except for unpredictable crying attacks over mum, one associated with being too hot? or thats all that seemed to precipitate tears. Nothing much to say about grief just have to live thru it. I was worse when my father died maybe you get used to it. When I was 16 and staying at my grandmothers I was shelling peas and she was reading the paper, she said oh so and so died that lady we saw the other day in a chatty voice. Do you get used to loosing people as you get older? A friend says her father loses his shed friend and then he goes and makes another friend.
A few years ago I went to a suburb of Sydney where my grandparents lived and where we went every 2nd weekend of our childhood sitting around while aunties talked. I got so upset cause that whole world had gone and I really liked those people they were so interested and interesting. Two of the aunties had travelled overland from Europe through the Khyber Pass in their 70's. They are the pillars of your world and then then they are gone and you have to be that for your children but I never feel that monumental or sure of anything.
The first night at work was crappy birthing unit sent us round a girl with an abnormal cardiac trace, she needed specialing all night and we dont have staff for that the idiot med reg said to her this is the best place for you not coronary care because you have a baby. There is something deeply wrong with that statement, finally at 7.30 they took her to CCU, really patient dumping is just awful in the system, I wish people would sort patients out properly, get things ordered, drugs given tests done and decisions made. A young girl with young children with a cardiac condition never properly looked whats the cost if she gets really ill. Do they really think that midwives can look after cardiac issues that need monitoring without a monitor in the middle of a ward full of babies and mothers. I feel bad because I should have jumped up and down early and got her into CCU earlier but really I had no idea about cardiac stuff and the med reg kept treating her condition like it was a minor thing. She ended up on digoxin which doesnt seem too minor to me.
Years ago we had a mother die in the nursery, she was feeding and she collapsed, she'd had a slow bleed in her abdo then shot off a clot. One of the girls involved in the resus left mid after that and works in A&E she said she felt so hopeless in the resus that she wanted to go and get competent again. Its hard when you only deal with those emergencies occasionally.
They rang for me to work an extra but really you want to limit your exposure to the mess.

Yesterday went on a bus trip around ten or so different opshops, 2nd hand shops, redcross, lifeline etc. A friend had seen it advertised by the town council, a sustainability initiative. The bus was free and it was really cute, an old bus all fixed up and painted. Like the buses we rode on when we were kids, the seats were really small and close together, and we've got bigger but we still fitted in. My friend thought it would cheer me up. Her Dad died at the beginning of the year, he had a couple of stokes and he'd been in rehab when they realised it was cancer with secondaries that were shooting off clots. She looked after him a lot and is still very upset with the treatment. She is a nurse and used to work with me and her Dad was in our hospital. Mostly she is really upset he wasn't diagnosed earlier and given enough pain relief but also about the care he received.
Thank goodness my mother only stayed a couple of days in A and E, sometimes I wish we had done more medical stuff but mostly I'm glad we didn't so much of hospital shit is just investigations without outcomes. I haven't had a lot of experience with the general side of the hospital but you don't hear a lot of good. They have these complaint management stuff but you wonder if that's just to shut people up. Its hard because on the other side the bitterness of people when their loved one dies is sometimes very irrational and many staff (me included) have at times felt unsupported by the administration when complaints are made.
Back on the bus, the day was a lot of fun and considering the stock market today might be a necessary education in living cheaper. I wanted to buy a crockpot for a while and they had one for 19 dollars. It is a slow cooker so can put a dinner on in the morning and let it cook all day and it doesnt burn. People can eat as they come home and the slow cooking makes food taste good. I made chicken curry today and it was really good. I'm going to look up a crockpot site I bet it has devotees.
We found some other nice things and spent about 35 dollars including lunch.
The day trippers were filmed for the local news as well but I dodged that. I won a ten dollar voucher to spend as well.
I got sad on the way home because all the christmas things are in the shops and it will be a christmas without mum ucky.
Going google crockpot its 70's orange v cool.

Yesterday was the funeral. I tried to tell my husband I was taking a sickie but they wouldnt let me. People keep saying are you ok I guess I am the mourner central or something. I hadnt had my hair done for ages so I decided during the week I should look nice for her because she always was so pretty even as an old lady she had lovely white hair and all the nurses loved her. She was such a lucky person really and very talented but she never believed in herself enough.
The night before we went shopping for some nice clothes to wear and then we had dinner at the harbour. The little lighthouse was still lit up pink for breast cancer week.
My husband did a little talk about Mum at the funeral and the girls read a poem and gave a talk. I didnt talk I coudnt and I cried because they were so sincere and true to her. We had a celebant for the rest and then she talked. I was quite upset because she was quite religious and sentimental. My mother would of thought what a load of codswollop (what is codswollop, must look it up)
meaning what rubbish. But then I was glad coz she dried us up really well. Also when you cry eventually you have to blow yr nose which just kills the miserable mood with a comic sound. I was glad to stop crying because I wanted to talk to her friends that were there, the survivers! I wish we valued our older people more they are so nice and gracious. It was lovely to see them the cast of my childhood. One of her good friends in the Bird Observers Club said that she had been to see her in the nursing home. Mum told her that she was quite happy there and that I was more upset than her. I was surprised that she had that much insight.
This week has been so exhausting I thought I will have some peaceful time but so far none. We dont even know that many people but have heard from all of them it seems. It is really supportive and very distracting from the saddness but sometimes you just want to be quiet a bit.
Yesterday was also a beautiful warm day and it was hard to be totally sad in spring so that was clever of her to leave us then, such a graceful life in the face a difficult childhood.
In the afternoon we went to the beach and I had a surf with my bodyboard, there were some nice waves. The water is 16degrees and it is good for healing I think like being craddled in the arms of the earth. Maybe becoz we came from the water we still feel most at home in it.
Today its thunder and lightening and rainy I think the earth is crying for her, I think it loved her too.