Just a short note about new years dinner. We had trout with almonds and mashed potato with cream [light cream]. I should have made a salad but I wasnt in the mood for cooking really so it was lucky I got that made and it was as nice. Nigella says she photos all her dishes and takes notes on them. Im going to get a note book and at least keep a few notes it makes deciding on
dinner easier. We had fresh figs and ice cream for dessert so I wasnt so miserable about not going out for new year. Its the only day of the year I expect the crowd of "couple" friends to appear and ask us to exciting events. Unfortunately no one ever does to my husbands great relief sociability quota minus ten. We drove daughter to work while the fireworks went off.
Resolutions the usual: get fit, cook a decent meal at night no stupid amounts of money on non eatable take away, budget better (thank you Susie Orman) write more finish a story and do better spelling and grammar, very lazy about corrections. Oh and stop beating myself up over my mother and wanting to cry.
We going to look at the big seas if they are still big and having coffee at the beach and take daughter to work again. I have 4 more months long service leave and should get some casual work but its nice to be off.

Just my day quite a nice one except for bad prawns. A friend usually brings over rice paper wrapped prawns but they didnt this year so I had bit of a craving for them rang her to get the ingredients. Pretty easy the rice papers, rice noodles, prawns, cucumber, coriander, dipping sauce and avocardo. Then I tried one of the prawns $24 a kilo and tasted like rubbish. Wont eat them like that might be bad, lucky I looked at Nigellas summer book and she has a recipe for them without the prawns. The secret is putting some sauces on the noodles. They came out really nice and just the thing for a hot day holiday lunch, no cooking just melting.
I was really sleepy today because I did aquarobics this morning it is hard work an hour of movement in the pool. Its such a good fitness for the youthfully challenged and its worth it for the laughs. Then I went to see Mum at the nursing home and sat in the corridor with her reading the paper and then went out to the garden checking our tomatoes and stawberries. Now we are having a lovely afternoon watching Liverpool play Manchester City really good game thru no score. We like Liverpool a lot but also Manchester City so we didnt mind a draw.
I was going to write some more of my story but I want to go for a swim is very hot lucky there is a cool breeze or it would have got to 40s

Beautiful sunday very warm with a nice breeze. Will go swimming soon. Decided on a name for the servant Wren like those beautiful birds. I thought she is like the female wrens my mother and I watch in the garden at the nursing home. The male is all showy blues but the female is plain grey/brown. Then i was rereading "Northern Lights" and the servant was called Wren in the beginning of the story very odd I think it was only mentioned once and I have a terrible memory. anyway it was a male servant and my servant is female, so i didnt copy just an accident if anyone notices, not likely. Funny story yesterday we were in the garden I was watched one of the old fellows in one of the garden beds stuck behind a tree there were branches sticking out both sides he was going from one side to another couldnt get out. He was so cute I had to take his hand and get him out. Then he was making off with mum pushing her wheelchair.
stuffit I'm going swimmig write later.

Once no one would dare touch the old witch now they toughed her hands and patted her head they were hungry for contact with her and she for them . She should have sent them about their business but she thought of nothing but attention.
The old servant slid the door open, put on her outdoor shoes and stepped off the veranda onto the large stones that formed the path to the well. She pulled up the bucket of water and carried it back into the house. Her mistress lay on the bedding on the floor the supplicants came in a few at a time. The servant stay out of attention as much as she could, it was unwise to draw attention to oneself in the presence of the old one. The servant had long practised invisibility, she thought the old witch had forgotten her name and measured the decline in the powers of the ruler by the loss of awareness of the people and things around. She knew this presented grave dangers to the domains she ruled.

christmas day full of tears. We brought my mother home from the nursing home. She remembered her old house but not our house and not her retirement village unit or the people there. we were worried she be upset about all her things in our house but it didnt seem to worry her much. She didnt get upset till we took her back to the nursing home then she said why are you taking me here I said you live here do I she said then she saw one of the nurses she knew and cheered up. the nurses are so nice in the home. Its so funny people think they are such awful places but she is much better since she has been there and they do so much to look after the residents and make them comfortable. mum has been very disruptive at night they thought she had another urinary tract infection and started her on antibiotics so she has been a lot better. one of the ladys in her room wanted to move because of all the noise. The lady next to her died the day before yesterday I kept looking at the emptry bed not realising then the other lady told me. Mum didnt know. She didnt move or talk or feed herself and I think she was over ninty. she smiled a few times and held a soft toy. my eyes are sore from crying

I am not game enough to try a title it keeps going hindu or whatever language that is. I am much better today about my mother stopped crying and getting some distance. I did aquarobics yesterday walked the dog and had another swim in the pool. Got worn out which felt good and decided to stop feeling depressed I'm sick of it. Either you die or you live so may as well live happy. I am on the beautiful maclap which we brought when I was staying with Mum and looking after her and going crazy its in the red for battery so cant write much I am sitting on he front veranda with the evening coming on and the smells of the garden around. Magic time deep evening greens the cicardas are going but not so loud tonight. We played golf today but only 12 holes too tried all stress. My sister is getting sick and my brother and i feel like my nerves are strung out over barbed wire. I thought of a story about it:
The old witch was dying. There were movements in the ground and chasms opening up on the earth. Storms raged for days and crops failed in the fields. They cut the trees to the ground in other places to try and save them because no rain had fallen. The old witch shivered in her bed and the waves ravaged the shores. She had not named a successor believing she would become a rival and destroy her. So she had ploted and played with many over the long years of her guardianship those that had not predeceased her had left delusioned by her games and flatteries. Her power which was great and had no equal in that world was often dangerously out of control. The more so in later years as her familiars died or left for safer harbours than her increasingly unpredictable rule. In many ways she had remained a child and the older witch who had bestowed her had mistakenly believed that the child would grow into the wisdom of the role.
This is not to say she wasn't loved, she was loved too well and too much. She was infinitely lovably like a child but like a child had no control over the pendulum of moods. The domaine like she herself was without balance it tittered dangerously in all directions. The people crowded around. Waiting, not able do their work or care for their families. The old witch lapped up all the attention like a starved homeless kittern. She, who should of sent them on their way invited more and more attention. In the deep backgroung an old and barely noticed person watched it all and planed another outcome
gotta go battery bye bye

What mattered today i have been wondering. I played tennis very nicely that kinda perfectly relaxed and in the zone way where you can get all the difficult shots. I keep trying to play games like a fish swims almost not thinking about it. I didnt go and see Mum today I need to get a bit of distance there else i am going to get very depressed. I just want to cry all the time. I dont mean to be so close to her feelings but its always been that way and I"ve always had to keep some distance sometimes. She is so endearing and so nuts We have a house full of her stuff moved out of her unit. I feel like I've stolen her things. I tell her whats going on but she forgets a little bit later. I got really upset because the nurses said she is keeping other patients awake at night like I can doing anything about it they want to give her sleeping tablets as she is very agitated. I hope that helps but I have my doubts. So tired going to bed.

kev07

God its monday a week later already. I write like crap now, I used to write well once must practice more. Had a sporty week last week back to tennis and two days of golf, played not very well but at least was out there. Played tennis today went to see Mum in the nursing home, the therapist suggested we do a family history which was really fun because she could remember much more about the past than about this morning so we had much more to talk about, her roommate comes out in her wheelchair which she "walks" outside to join us.
Its funny when you first walk into that world you get so sad coz there are guys with their legs falling off, there's a lady at the front door who lets her imaginary friends in a guy who looks like a founding member of the ministry of funny walks as he shuffles along and lots of people with lots of absence but in the end you see there humaness and the humanity of the people who care for them. Anyway Mum is much happier there sleeping less but more settled sleep and more stimulated playing bowls and bingo, I never thought much of occupational therapy but really it is the little things that matter and kindness. Just having a conversation around some of the residents is good for them. It is a much simpler life in a way but it is kind of nice.
We go out in the garden and we watch the birds there are the beautiful blue wrens and the starlings were up in the sky in a mad flock. It looked like a big storm was coming in and there must be lots of insects blow up into the air coz the birds were really excited. Mum has been in the local bird observers club for 25 years or so a founding member and went to lots of places bird watching. Sri Lanka and the gulf of Carpentaria the most exotic. She was such a lady when we were little kids and then got a tent for her 60th birthday and treked around everywhere. She loves gardens and the bush and art and Japanese culture and different foods.
Its rainy tonight and there is a new government in power so we think the drought will break. At least the stock market inproved it was looking a bit sick last week. we are really glad to see Howard out I think he was trying to make us like the USA where only rich people matter and the ordinary people are feed hope and live in desperation. At least public might not be a dirty word and public schools might have the occasional new toilet block while the private schools build their sports halls and indoor pools. My kids will never vote liberal after the way they've been treated as public schoolkids and working on work place agreements.
Well its nice to see a change but will see if labour shoots itself in the foot again as in previous moments in power. Good to see the greens get a good run onya Bob Brown well on that faintly optimistic note to bed goodnite mushrooms. Actually I'm really pleased Rudds in onya Kev get it right.

तेअर्स ऑफ़ rage

its 1pm so I want to go for a swim before i go out so I dont want to write except the writing is a kind of therapy for all the clogged up and teary days that seem to be around. Water will wash away your sadness and chocolate will take away yr sadness- the witches say. I went to work yesterday to arrange my leave and everyone had a sad story of aging or dying parents. We have all just hit that age Going for swim.

Well no posts on my blogs so thats good this is very private. Its been 4 months since I wrote anything. The next night I stayed at my mothers and she was in a lot of pain. She had really bad pain in her left hip and was writhing around on her bed. I gave her a pain killer and thought I'd have to take her to hospital in the morning but by 12.30am I called the ambulance. Its so weird to call an emergency number. I was really shattered to ring. It seemed like ages till they came through it wasnt but listening to your mother in pain like that is awful. When they came she was settled and they were going to just reassure I think but the the pain came back and they changed their view and loaded her into the ambulance and put in a canula and gave her morphine. I went home and told them what was happening eldest daughter offered to come up to Cas with me.
It was a friday night and looked a bit of a disaster area but things just got worse and worse. We sat beside her in Cas till about 5am but she wasnt assessed through she was fairly comfortable or at least only semi conscious with a little breakthru pain from the muscle spasms (thats what it looked like). By 5 we were exhaused and nothing was happening so we went home. I came back around ten or eleven and she'd been seen, I think around 8-9 am only 7-8 hrs after arriving.
They were thinking that she'd fractured her hip in one of the falls she'd had in the previous weeks so they had put in a catheter in her bladder and were taking her round to xray and scanning. Time gets a bit weird now I dont remember the sequence of things very well but I must have gone home for a while then and come back after the tests. They said they had no beds and things were obviously getting worse and worse in the place trolleys were lining the corridors and there were patients everywhere.
They wanted to move her to a bed at one of the private hospitals but it was quite a long way away and I wasnt happy with that, I wanted her to go to the closer private hosp but they didnt have any beds. The discharge planner had seen her and started assessing her which was ok kind of but this seemed to be before she was diagnosed and we were never really told all the procedulal shit till a lot later. At some time in the afternoon they sent over a doctor in nappies to inform me that she didnt have a broken hip and they diagnosed that she had back pain and they didnt admit people with backpain so she could go home. I looked at her 85years old out of it on pain killers but still having bad break through pain. They had given her no drugs to treat the pain other than morphine. I said to him well thats not really the issue I cant take her home in that state he looked at her and wandered off. Next the nurse in charge came to get rid of us. I got the pat on the arm and the condescending bullshit. The specialist that weekend had refused to look after her he was snowed under and the wonder boys had diagnosed backache so He wasnt interested in looking after that. She got the message I wasnt taking her home in that state and did a deal to keep her overnight and get the pain sorted. Off I went home
Come back sunday morning nothing much changed still on morphine still having break thru pain, nothing tried like valium to stop the spasms. I sat for two hours in front of the desk but no one came near me. she was crying and very upset in between sleeping. In the end I rang the friend that was visiting from melbourne and arranged to meet her at the beach. We had coffee and I told her what was going on. I went home and the hospital had been ringing where was I big panic she had failed the walking test big surprise and they werent allowed to send her home like that. We went back to the hospital and they had sent her to the private hospital. i said dont you normally tell relations when you move people oh she just left and they were just calling you more bullshit she left at least an hour before. Well that was the start of a four month nightmare of well meaning stuff ups and her decline in mental and physical health and our education into the world of caring for the aged.

too busy to blog ha ha

thursday already and cant remember when last wrote. We have been theatre goers. the warlock went to see Stephen Sondheim talk then the 3 girls and him went to see Company, The next night we all went to see the 25th annual putnam county spelling bee which was just fantastic, One show a week is really my limit and beside i had to work. The theatre Sydney theatre is in such a magical spot. I hate driving in Sydney now it is so maniac and nasty, i didnt see a no turn sign so some looney bus driver behind me yelling you think they laws arent for you, ahhh, but then you get to the rocks which is under the harbour bridge and you can feel the chill out straight away. There was lots of parking, metered but $8 is pretty good and the water between the wharves is kind of deep and mysterious and the lights of the harbour, There are all units on those wharves now and businesses, we watched a girl riding a bike in the gym maybe living there would never feel ordinary it doesnt look ordinary.
Margaret Whitlam was at the theatre, wife of Gough the legend, ex-prime minister, shes looking good. In our family there is story about her father who was a judge. My great aunt was getting a divorce before the judge and my father and his brothers had all gone along to support her Margs dad had a go at Aunty Iris (game of him) so she or one of the nephews (cant remember which) told him off and what a bastard the ex was. My family had some unfortunate mates.
One the way home we decided to start the Steve Sondheim Lyric theatre the warlock managed to name all of the guys somes which was pretty good. Just need the lottery win.
Oh its so late and I have get up early Things are not going too well with my mother.Sibling has been minding her but we think is going to require someone to be there all the time and sleep over She had a bad night last night with pain so tomorrow will be my first night under my mothers roof in 20 something years. Old age and illness is very difficult makes you wish you are an eskimo and wander out into the snow when yr teeth wear out. Speaking of which I have an abcess under a tooth and I look like the godfather. Oh we saw Harry Potter tonight that was really good. Must check shares go sleep.

its too late to write

I am kniting a black vest for kid for school which is boring want to start the hoodie in stitch and bitch big fan of those books. she tells it like it is in wool world if you are tallness challenged and of rounded shape you can not wear chunky knits thank you Debbie Stoller. also the critique on knit magazines. relective kniting practice so smart. I really like to read about other knitters because it is such a knitting wilderness here now. There is a s&b group in town but I havent made contact yet. My kids love the patterns in stitch and bitch.
we did the golf lesson and I think l learn some stuff but golf is such a mind game you really need to be just in the right state with it. Ive got it with putting but the long shots I try too hard stress and loose it.
Kinda over blogging today its late abd I dont feel interesting and I keep pushing wrong letters. Kid is sniffing all the time almost as annoying as a whistler. must go bed

We won must hav stuffed up the scoring

I cant believe how many times I've won at golf cos my handicap is so high, alright the highest the ladies keep muttering we'll have to get you off that handicap but sadly I have these occasional moments of good with lots and lots of air swings bunny hops and general bad judgement. I remember reading once that bob dylan had played a game of golf and liked it I was quite shocked ah it has come to this.
Speaking of Bob we are going to see him in sydney in august, The warlock says do we have to see Bob again but of course we do he is 66 and its a long way to oz. I really loved his new cd it was so good and grows on you. At least we are getting seats close this time instead of the last row age gets yr debts in perspective. I've spent all evening trying to decide on which shares to buy reviewing the portfolio and deciding I didnt want any of them which is a bit sad. The market is down and boring this week tax time. You end up madly zoning on anyone who recommends any shares. The lab with Leo has just finished great show for computer people even I have sparked a bit of interest he is a good explainer.
We are having a (badly needed at least by me) golf lesson tomorrow the amy I started learning with has turned into the likely next club champion, people mixed me up with her but not 4 long haha.
The course was nearlly closed it was so wet but I got round not too sodden then fell over in a puddle in the carpark and completed the job To be dignified I would have to sit completely still. love to the dogs and horses kerry (enigma for ya)

turner morning

it looks like a turner sky out there all copper and grey i am golfing was dreading it cos its been so wet winy and cold normally you can just cancel but im plaing with a partner and i dont know how heroic she is but she is english and they seem more willing to tramp thru rain for four hrs than me
Should have faith the morning brings renewal and what you dread the night before you often enjoy in the morning if it doesnt rain

so long rainy tuesday

Maybe the drought has broken. As usual this country is either floods or drought. I thought I'd be bright and buy ag shares but guess what they were back in them last year. Oh well.
Today took my mum to the cancer doc. things are pretty good so just going to wait and see. the chemo knocked her around heeps last time and she doesnt want any more.
We had lunch by the beach after very cosy. Good to eat out in winter you dont feel like rushing off nice to just sit in the warm. By 3 thru we were getting sleepy so made the move home. She lives in a retirement village but needs help with shopping and meals. Its very nice but people are getting older in it and the ambulances are coming a bt too often. Too much undiluted saddness at times was very keen on it at first but there is always a dark side.
Not much else happening, cant garden or golf dog wants a walk might try that after I put dinner on.
Nice bottle of red tonight we have bottle between us 2 nights a week mainly shiraz. Making lanchashire hotpot Delia Smith recipe always turn out good.
Fav tv shows at the moment This Old House is a renovation show they are in Boston at the moment The Eagle a crime drama from Denmark, Torchwood an English scifi spin off from Dr Who. Our fav reruns are Buffy (josh whedon fans all) and Malcolm in the Middle.
An Irish nurse I worked with used to say when the rain was really light theres a bit of softness around. We say when its heavy rain its pissing down or its raining cats and dogs. so long blog.

this is the first day i am attempting a blog but I am kinda slow and dumb at it .When i ask for help the family sit down and take over and I learn nothing. I should really be doing the stockmarket stuff but it is having a boring day all in the red and I cant decide what to do next with the shares so I am trying to learn more reading about Buffett and books on investment.
Today was my tennis day but lucky it rained cos I slept in.
Too many thing are happening now, fight with witch minor "you're too positive" just home from school, witch middle wants the computer for school work cant argue with that. Witch major cleaning with the Warlock, vacuum on, very loud.
Better put dinner in the blog seeing most of the day spent deciding on, buying for, cooking of and arguing over same.
making chicken snetzel (already crumbed at butchers) with a parmegarma sauce on top.
This is really easy and has a whole bunch of veg in the sauce but disguised good for the carnivores only people. Fry up the meat then make the sauce in the same fry pan, saving washing up another theme of my cooking. Choped red capsicum, onion, tomato, celery whatever amounts you like with a bit of water and seasonings and herbs. Let in bubble down to a thick sauce. arrange meat in an oven proof dish put sauce on top and grated cheese on top of that, italian cheeses are nice but anything you like will do. Put in the oven till cheeses melt and brown. Its pretty rich this so we like it with just steamed new potatoes and green beans. betta go cook and check the shares.