Friday caesars

Three new caesars are just my limit for work. We've got new IV pumps everywhere didnt have a lecture on them of course and they never stop beeping. They are "intuitive." whatever that means. Amazing amount of money spent replacing perfectly good  previous pumps, very odd. Of all the things we need in the place. 

Have a cold now, feel like rubbish. 

Yesterday went to the pacemaker clinic I said I have problems walking up hills my pulse is still 80 at the top and I cant get my breath, is the rate response on? She said no it should have been turned on, so she put it on, the readings were ok, she gave me the print out. I only understand about 1/2 of it, so I will learn a bit more. I felt quite euphoric yesterday with  the rate response on, more connected to things, less dead and more like normal. Today I'm really tired  I dont think my heart is used to all the ups and downs. I feel so emotional again, 7 weeks of feeling not right and getting more and more unfit because some idiot doesnt do the right settings. I'm glad I rang for an early appointment it would have been another month.

I hate people at work now always trying to ask about it and I dont want to talk about it anymore especially to just people at work. I was too busy anyway. 

Some of it is paranoia but that nurse last week addressing me as pacemaker sister just made me feel such a freak. I wish no one knew, I am not going to tell anybody anymore they treat you weirdly.  I guess too we interact with the nursery and the birthing unit and the clinic so there is a big stream of people all the time. I did what my husband said just answer briefly.  

Well now is after my work days and we did aqua and my resolution to be a recluse and not tell anybody anything took a bashing as I we ran into 2 old friends at the coffee shop and I blurted all. One works in the colonoscopy clinic and she said they see heaps of people with PMs and the other said her mother had one about my age. I dont know why people think you will feel better because a bit of the herd have it. 

What really gets me about it so far in my research they know as much about iatrogenic heart block as they did when they invented bloody pacemakers, problem solved all the work goes into the solution that earns the most money. 

My family say we are really happy you had it but I am not. I dont feel like myself anymore and I am dependent on a medical and industrial establishment that I dont trust and which doesnt give a shit about me and is happy to lie about their mistakes. 

Friend with paced mother said you just have to forget its there which is right and I know she has been through a lot of sadness in her life and is still a gracious kind person. I KNOW I should be grateful but I feel forced into this by family and convention. duh rage rage, makes no difference they wont take it out.