new year at work

Felt hot and uck so did my temp 37.6 told one of the girls take a panadol they said, I said dont you mean go home, no you cant go home. Said to another nurse I was sick take a panadol she said didnt bother asking the 3rd of my co's just took the panadol. Had pretty quiet night really then came home and watched Sydney fireworks on TV thru it doesnt look as good as in real life. You also keep thinking well thats a few hip replacements up in smoke, but no one is allowed to spoil the party. Watched some young guys walking up the street very drunk or drugged. You wonder about humans and their predilection for drug taking.
I feel kind of detached about everything nursing hardly means what it used to mean to me, I think the voyage out of grief is as difficult as the voyage in, part of you doesnt want to come back to life because you have to leave people behind.
Whats hard is to drop all the rubbish in your life to be free fluid and unpredictable, especially as you get older,

be careful what you wish for

I was doing the shopping at Woolies on christmas eve and I wanted to buy a chicken to cook, they had marinaded which I don't like and already cooked ones but they had run out of fresh chickens. With limited room in a small fridge and 3 of the family working in the afternoon, I was really trying not to buy too much food. Should I hunt for a fresh crook or buy a cooked one in case. Decided to buy a cooked chicken and see if the local butcher had a chicken left, he did so we ended up with 2 chickens. On christmas day 2 children working in a fast food chicken shop off they went to work ranting about money grabbing owner, losers who had to buy take away at christmas, and the injustice of working Christmas day without even penalty rates.
They came home at 10pm still complaining it had been very busy lots of students, and others driving round looking for somewhere to eat. The shop was supposed to stay open later and the owner taking over from them. They had cooked more chickens for him to sell but he rang in sick and they had to shut which is a lot of work so they were late off. They couldn't bear to thrown out all the chickens so they bought 2 home so now we are the proud owners of 3 1/2 chickens, the dog is happy. To add to the silly season the genius who stayed at home gets out a packet of chicken flavoured biscuits and munches thru it.
Today, happy boxing day by the way, we are having chicken salad.

Christmas e cards

I dont get into recommending stuff but my sister sent me an ecard from jacquie lawson, it was so cute I joined up and sent them off to everyone very handy as there is a postal strike, or was and I of course so late with christmas cards, my children laughed at me for paying for ecards but they were impressed by them. My other recommendation is Jennys red news. Jenny Haines used to run the NSW nurses union before it became a sub-branch of the right wing labour government. She posts most of the health articles and a few comments. Handy in one place. Actually a working nurse before and after her stint in power, if you can call the union power, more like lap dog headquarters.
Christmas is rolling over me the kids have been good they went out and got a tree it was the last one and quite squashed but it has sprung out well but all the decorations are memories of course and now we have my mothers ones as well. Christmas is a dodgy time of year stirring up old memories of family and old worlds. Where modernity is handy state of mind, look forward ignore history and even post modernity, pluck the past for ideas but leave the battleground but oh the call of our old peach tree in summer. The first world you were born into that you thought was the only world old aunties grandmothers who you paid as much attention to as the furniture and now I miss them all so much as we turn into them.
I went for a surf yesterday the witches say water will wash away any thing. Its funny but the more you know the more you leave things be, like children, they grow anyway you start off thinking you are going to shape them but they are growing into themselves. You are really just watching and supplying the bandaids. Enough go mop up these silly tears and make a cup of tea.

No no not in labour

This is my funny story from last shift. One of my ladies had had ruptured membranes for a while and had been niggling, good tech term, getting mild irregular contractions, since the night before. It was her 2nd baby and she had had a quick labour with her first, stating to get stronger and worrying her more, panadol and a warm shower and call partner, still on the ward not yet birthing unit. Told BU no no they said not in labour they are too irregular. I said some people deliver with irreg contractions no no they dont. Told the girl when you think you need the gas entonox tell me I'll take you round to BU. Told BU I'd be bringing her round when she needed more pain relief even if she wasnt getting more regular pains. Either she had a low pain tolerance or she was progressing either way if they need pain relief they should have it. I think it should be the mothers choice anyway.
Later she said i think i need the gas so walked her round to BU they all busy got them to give her the breathing thing and left it with them. 3/4 hr later one of the other MIdwifes rings up you know that girl that wasnt in labour shes delivered, We laughed. I'm going to give midwife no no a hard time about that,
Midwife no no comes around later says I checked her 15mins before she delivered she wasnt in labour she said, seriously some people are never wrong. We laughed again and went round to see beautiful baby girl and very clever mother who delivered not in labour.

Excellent day

I came 3rd at golf and won a ham so good, out of a 100 women. Not that I'm much good but my handicap is 45 and now its gone down to 43 which is very exciting. If I could just do better on the 3 hardest holes might score better regularly. If you blow out a hole it is so difficult to make up the points. It is a diabolical game which means when you occasionally go well its very exciting. Someone said you only have a few good games a year so I'm glad it was on ham day. Some of the ladies are over 80 and they still go well, very steady. It has that element of being in the trenches together so there is a lot of camaraderie and it has old manners with it you have to behave properly on the course (lots of well behaved drinking which is nice). We play with different ladies every week so you get to know all the members. Its the closest thing i know to working with a good group of nurses but its been a while since I felt like that through you have some shifts that are good.

mutterings about retirement

How i wish i had thought about retirement earlier but then you are busy with children and mortgages and you never seem to have any money anyway we did what we could. Its hard to think of trying to provide for 20 or more years of non working life. There is a job in ICU full time I am tempted but it means no time for other things. You wonder too if you still have the neurones to learn all that stuff again there are so many changes but ICU would be a lot more satisfying place to work, maybe. I am just puttering along really we are just a railway station, with beds. We were making a bed yesterday and the girl in the other bed puts the buzzer on I said what do you want, oh she said I'm ringing for a nurse we are the nurse we said, oh i thought you were the bed makers. Close enough.
I played tennis today with my lovely grannies, only place i feel young, I would miss them working more. Its gone cold again when we are going to the beach for coffee, have to go indoors, then we buy the fish.
We thought we will send a dozen bottles of rose's to the inlaws for distribution amongst them so nice and pretty on the table and lovely chilled. Raining now. Was going to garden oh well I bought 3 stawberry plants, some coriander and succulant.

I hope I have a better day at work today I was cranky yesterday, doesnt make a good shift, we had lots of staff, not many patients but It was a hot day again, I'd played golf for 2 days. I didnt hear the allocation properly and thought the in-charge divided up fairly but no gave herself 2 and me 6 so didnt realise I'd had the extra 2 then big stink, well little stink cause young mum wanted to go home and was in tears. Oh IC said I'll take the 2 from Birthing unit except they never came. she is really nice and very good getting enough staff but ex-nursing admin and their return to the floor mostly a problem and I wouldnt mind if that happened occasionally but seems to happen every time I work with her. Again lucky I only work 2 days a week. The christmas deaths are starting one of the girls mothers is very sick, just fading away from the sounds of it and a girls daughter I used to play in a team with. She has had such a hard time with her as she was very disabled I dont know if that makes it easier or harder, such a big gap in your life.

hot weather funny shift

The hot weather has really arrived, 38 degrees at 8pm. Evening shift. Nice ladies and cutie babies. We tape record our reports usually now as it is quicker and people get off in time but our Num has decided we should go back to giving reports at the bedside. We have tried this before and there were big problems with confidential info, which is just about everything esp in this town where everyone knows everyone and probably went out with them, even peoples names are private and mothers are very touchy about all that stuff (think of mother lions). We have a lot of DOCs issues, drug dependancy, depression and family problems. Everyone has pointed out to NUM the problems but she is determined to do it so I suppose they will have to when she is around. I tried to read the document from some high up committee about report giving. It was unbelievable, as if hand washing became the topic of a doctorate thesis, but then it probably is the amount of time and effort they have spent on bloody hand washing, as they still shove patients all over the place without regard to infection. The real issues that we have problems with just get no attention, I think those nutty committees arnt interested in the real problems we have things like "hand washing" "report giving" which fit into an advertising campaign model so they get hold of that like it was the meaning of our work.

Garling report again again

There are lots of stories in the paper about how the Garling reports recommendations are going. It comes down to the admin saying all good, the clinicians saying all we got (awful) pictures on the wall of NUMs (where are graffetists when you want them) and name badges. The funnist thing we got was bed washers. Not strippers, or bedmakers they just wash we do the rest plus ring to get them to come So now we have to do 3 things instead of one plus wait for them to turn up plus they drown the bed so you are waiting for it to dry for ages. Someone sent an email to the in charge we never see about this she said we should be grateful for any help we get. Sheets that are big enough for the beds would be nice too or maybe fitted just joking.
Next we are getting some administration helper poor thing. They said in the paper that they havent funded computers or desks for them, no worries on past experience they wont be able to use them. Main talent seems to wandering aimlessly or staring vacantly apologies to the ward secretaries getting RSI on the job there are a few great ones.
Seems to be a policy of casual staffing going on not agency never been a viable agency here but a casual pool run by the health service. Lots of people say they prefer it as they feel it gives them more choice but it depends how much you need the money. I think the churn is even bigger thru we see people a lot then less and less, the novelty wears off. There is a kind of recycling going on a the moment old faces from years ago turning up but still hardly any next gen at all. Hardly training any midwives. Hardly any attention paid to experience mix or retraining. Latest is we have to do 20 education points a year to keep mid rego and another 20 to keep general but no funding or real info on it. I am hoping to be be the first person made redundant over loosing rego due to lack of pts. One can dream must do Wii fit.

waiting for the storm

Been really hot today now its cloudy and I hope going to rain, we are lucky we usually get a storm on really hot days, A southerly when we are playing golf we see it coming over. It heads over the course and out to sea its spectacular unless you are out in it. We played 2 weeks ago in so much rain my shoes took two days to dry out. I am enjoying the golf thru I dont seem to improve much and I get way too affected by fellow players moods. The drawback of empathy, useful for nursing but not for golf. I'm not much into the manipulations of people and I kind of see what people are even when they are pretending something else. I dont think people like that much. My daughter and I had iced (too hot for hot) coffee at the beach , she is reading a book of apocalypse stories and we agreed that it strangely makes you feel better after all you'll be dead and nothing to worry about. As long as the earth survives. I think a lot about death because of seeing it a lot when young it is a big mystery but makes our actions important too.
Had 2 very busy shifts at work and they were the other edge of dealing with it would have been alright if I wasnt in charge and shift before had done a bit more. I wont take extra shifts about all I can deal with. Lots of social issues and not enough beds. Oh well we are buying investment real estate at the moment so busy with that and not very interested in work. Wondering if cashing out super put it into RE investments and work casual, Dont get put in charge of the mess. Also get more money in hand could also work in different areas.
Ohow can hear the thunder better have a swim before the lightening. Tonight is our fav night we watch premier league highlights (english soccer) and eat nice fish. The rain has started.

pretty saturday pity about pm shift

Busy time of year doing mothers estate was going to say finalising but still tax return to go and there will be one next year perhaps amazing how long you have to do tax for the dead. I feel better some days and other times not, all my golfy ladies say you never really get over loosing your mother so I guess you just learn to live with it. I call them the grief virgins people who
havent lost someone close. Its hard to explain how bad it feels. But every bit of kindness helps and I guess thats what you learn. I've never seen any other point to this life but to learn.
I planted some wild rocket, chervil, and rhubarb I wish I was better at growing veggies. I planted so many trees its hard for veggies to compete and we seem to be pest paradise. My family left the land in my grandfathers generation and I can see why. Well I'd better have my swim before work or i wont get one. Did laps yesterday that was nice hadnt swum for 2 weeks too rainy.

Last week

Eh get very distracted from writing my blog by blogs of note beautiful the hermitige by artist english travellers which is funny cause I downloaded The Incredible String Band a few weeks ago, which I used to love, to see how they have held up and I really like them still. They are in that 60's communal hippie back to the earth and medieval thing before it all got shot down in drugs and not being able to live together. Maybe we are too rich to live together. Most of our ward is 2 bed rooms and they barely speak to each other and we have a fair no of problems theatening visitors, snoring of course. Mostly through people are not used to sharing. Says something about treading lighly on the earth.The eco houses make me laugh they show you around these huge spaces which house on a big day 4 people and tell you how eco friendly they are and how it cost heaps. Of course there are the school worm farm organisers growing a tomato and driving a four wheel tank.
Oh well I think about living like aboriginals or american indians did, it isnt that long ago it would be nice to be a nomad, all this luxury gets a bit boring.
It is our yearly big rubbish collection very exciting then all the people drive around the streets picking stuff up, good way to recycle I am not going to be tempted to pick anything up. There should be a cut off age in accumulation where you are not allowed to buy any more (in my case books, magazines or wool). We watch the Collectors on the ABC too much thru and are now collecting kinder surprise toys I hope I get over that.
Only worked one day this week, they loved me because I got one of our recidivists home ranting and raving but out, some pregnancies are spent being discharged and readmitted in the same day then we get a breather while they have sex and get pregnant again. Two other admissions with previous sick children, joy of the baby much less as they are so much more anxious then other mothers. They have learnt there is no certainty.

This is the flatist rainbow I remenber, then it came up more and more. We were having coffee at the beach, watching rainbows very nice soaking up the negative ions. Wave watching should be a meditation.
We were watching a documentory about Yellowstone national park and I bought the video it was so beautiful. They had stories about Yellowstone people, one guy was the snowman, he spends all winter taking the snow off the roofs and another group of people are geyser gazers they sit and wait for the geysers to go off, they were a very jolly group. Yellowstone is an amazing place, the whole park is the caldera of a super volcano. They didn know that till they saw it from space. If it goes off it will made all human problems seem very small, I find that puts things in perspective.

Sydney eastern suburb beaches

I am practicing putting photos on blog. Yesterday we went to Sydney to drop sister at airport and went to Bondi via Maroubra, Coogee, Thompsons Bay (Gordons Bay), Tamarama and Bondi, We should have done the walk but we drove it, next time we will go up when the sculptures are up and walk along there, It is very beautiful. I forgot how big Bondi is 1km round its circle. We had lunch at the icebergs with my brother who works there, pretty good work place. I put on pictures of Thompsons Bay because this is were I learnt to dive a long time ago, it is a lovely place, hidden between Coogee and Clovelly. It was hard work carrying the tanks down and up the path to the bay but worth it. It was a nude beach in those days and the instructors had to keep the male members on task, while their eyes were glued to the nudes, Well I've done 2 images to a post. What a good night i've actually learnt to do what i wanted to learn. I said to myself it cant be harder than knitting.

Red dust on wednesday

It was weird to wake up and see the world is all red coloured. Big winds had brought dust from inland and dumped it over everything. Still windy with a little bit of rain. I hadnt posted for ages then did but cause my sister is home for a holiday. she is nursing in the middle east so i write to her first then I dont blog so much. She got sick yesterday but travelling when rammadam and eid is on so many people mixed together, like a big germ fest. Or I could have given it to her, nursed a girl with DnotV and lots of wards affected at work. I havent felt too flash either but that could be just night duty. Better go check the ASX it kind of flat after the big run ups that I missed of course.

doing the business

Feel very virtuous have filled in the forms written the cheques and done the business. Suddenly you end up trying to be Warren Buffet all too late. Oh well at least the stock market is back thru not today. i am playing the ASX game again but cant do anything today, sometimes you just have to hold your bets and wait. At least its only pretend money, wish it felt like that. I am going to pot up an azalea as a Bonsai, seeing I knocked off the last lot from lack of watering.
We have been doing some travelling to the country and to Adelaide. I lived in Adelaide for a while and my mother grew up there. I realised when we were driving out of Hay a part of me (the irrational part) was going to look for her in Adelaide so i was crying across the Hay plain. We went to look at the house she grew up in but nothing helps with grief except time, love for the earth and realising that we will all die, the grateful dead. There really is no time to grieve but I miss her. They were bigger than other people to me her brothers and her, they always thought they were right, like monuments. It is a year since she died. I thought I knew what grief felt like but I had no idea.
Work is crazy as usual. They knock off one beast in charge and another one pops up like the hydra. The casual pool percentage of staff gets bigger and bigger. They are pleasant mostly but often seem there for a social life, much confidence but little knowledge. The madness of the staff rivalled only by the patients and the social prpblems. I try not to read the social work reports that way I can treat them as normal, anyway they dont stay long enough to get involved or resolve anything. We are not a ward but a referral agency. I used to be really interested in health systems, comparing different countries, if I'd done my honours year I was going to do a thesis on the health systems of north and south vietnam during the Vietnam war, bet the world missed that one. I guess I am still a bit interested but very dis-illusioned and past imagining how you would fix the maddness of our health system. Their mission statement: if it works destroy it. Put that all over the walls along with the dreadful photos of the NUMs in the corridors. I only go for the money and the laughs.

There must be some way outa here said the joker to the thief theres too much confusion I cant get no relief

Well the pneumonias turned out to be swine flu probably. One is on ecmo at another hospital, i dont think they do ecmo here. Another ventilated. We are barrier nursing in the ward. The response from on high seems to be mainly about coughing and handwashing no real guidance they are still discussing the response. If i were a pregant woman with a flu I'd be on the anti virals quick. They had an article from the CDC that said there were issues with pregnant woman so this should have been seen coming but there is such a disconnect between the sayers and the doers in the system.
eg funny story from my husbands work nursing home one RN on shift 120 patients and a few carers. They loaded all patient documents onto computer so you pick which one. There are over a hundred documents with no index and some very odd descriptions of what they are. Why so many because instead of rationalising the documents of different facilities they put the lot of them on. The office people thought that was a good idea.
The design of our paperwork is terrible the patients history is a three page list you have to seach thru for info no one has time to read or find stuff now. To be fair there are some good things we can print off name stickers on the ward and the docs can generate a path form at any terminal. Pity they cant sign meds orders from any terminal but I wonder if thats a good thing they would probably never come near the ward. I bought some shares in a medical tech company but when i realised what a mess it is I got rid of them, we had a occ therapist training us bit of a joke. The designated expert users are a good laugh.
The stock market game is starting soon my husband is playing too I hope he is good at trading.
The patients are interesting we had a intelligent lady from Lybia so we had a good chat about Islam and woman. I would like to go to that area of Africa she said it is very beautiful. We have some interesting people from all over the world as we are near the uni.
Better do some gardening while its warm.

Ahh I've got the cold. Its a bad winter this when we are seeing pneumonias in midwifery thats bad. I dont remember so many woman coming in with pneumonia. I guess being pregnant with reduced lung space they are more vulnerable plus if they have PIH (pregnancy induced hypertension) then their kidney function is off. I have to learn more about PIH catch up on the latest its a bit of a mystery of a condition.
I have been painting the house portland stone and royal blue. Its nice I am only doing the bits i can reach then we will have to get a painter for the 2nd story I'm no good with heights. Had a lovely 2 days away golf trip down the coast with the friday golf ladies the pros came and we had lessons and 9 holes at 2 different courses. I think I learnt something, if I remember it. I am trying to play a natural relaxed game then its enjoyable even if you are not going well but if you do relax you play better. I got nearest the pin which was exciting. Well back to the garden, its so cold this weather i dont have long in the day to do things.

The two king parrots were back today they are green and orange coloured. I wonder if they are the same ones that came when the baby was little. I am watching a program on compulsive hoarding and resolving to do some tossing tomorrow,

Big excitement a bower bird has built a beautiful bower in our yard and is collecting blue things for it. I put out some blue pegs and he has put them aroung the bower. He makes a really rasping cry. I hope a cat doesnt get him our dog is mainly in doors and so dumb and noisey probably not a threat. I was so excited I think bowerbirds are lovely. I dreamt about my mother last night that she was too tired to walk home so I drove her home. Played golf and have been feeling better but on the way home I really wanted to go and see her which i used to do on the way home from things. It was my little shelter from the storms of life too, so i really miss that.

Where to start. I was happy about going to our the boy wiz our financial planner this week to get a plan on when to retire, so bouyed up by that thought I wandered poor innocent into the disaster of friday caesar night. There are only 2 midwives on and an EN and 25 ladies. We cant get anyone else they said. We are, I say again supposed to have a 1 per 7 maximum. There were also 2 inductions being done on the ward. Neither of whom should have been agreed to in that situation no staff and no beds. Well some beds but no staff. Take into account the babies on the ward 18 or so and that is 43 people being looked after by 3 people one of whom has no midwifery training. Thrown in the 3 or 4 new caesars, and other disasters post haemorrhages etc.
Well punk do you feel safe. One of the evening casual pool but fairly regular and very pleasant person started on about the social work requirements of one of the patients,I said look I just try to keep them and their babies alive till the end of my shift fixing their social problems is just beyond the scope of this place.
We and they survived then the next night we had 4 midwives for 21 over staffed but no one was cancelling anyone at that point. I looked up the reasonable workload union stuff but it doesnt seem to make much difference.
The worst was going to see the fin advisor he is talking about working to 65 in the carefree way of young men who cannot yet imagine retirement. I said to him there are very few nurses running around wards at 65. I hope the market recovers quickly.
Amusing week in a black humour way.

My eldests birthday just about this time of day a caesar after a failed induction covered with meconium and peeling skin so overdue and the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. Lucky that parents only realise the long haul at the other end not at the beginning! You just think about that little baby and how much you love it, I used to kiss her so much I thought I'd wear her out but not it just made her stroppy.
My asx game is going badly havent lost the money thats the best you can say, well its theoretical anyway trading is quite difficult but I hope I'm learning. These are interesting times.

Mad week got sent on a study day I am sure Num only sends me cause she thinks i dont like them, which is true really I do like learning new things but 20 fire lectures gets a bit much. I thought it was obstetic emergencies but there was one on communication and one on something else. I wasnt down for the something else and it ran for 3 days, the communication one only went for 2 hours. There was only one girl from my ward there and she said she had a patient load and had to go back to the ward. I said did they say anything about me she said no so I just went to that lecture and went home. Nuts only rostered one day this week now so I dont know if she will dock my pay or not what a mess. I am not asking her cause i dont like talking to her, the communication lecture didnt stick.
I am feeling very restless. Would like to do contract nursing work but youngest still at school, she is talking about a year in England next year maybe I could go too, oh but those awful flights!
Feeling very upset and missing my mother a lot especially as its mothers day and people keep saying happy mothers day to me and I think I'm going to cry. So I've decided sleeping all the time and doing nothing wasnt working so I am going to stay busy instead, make lists and do things, that might be a better way through grief. We have to paint the house and I think I have finally decided on the colours. So that s my job of the week getting some sample pots and trying the colours. Lots of people our age are selling their houses and moving into units near the beach but our daughters are still home and 4 bedroom units are very expensive. Sometimes I think I would like to live at the beach and other times I like the peace and quiet of our house.
Did some gardening yesterday I have to do a lot of trimming like Japanese gardens, things are very overgrown and the days are short so its hard to get much done.
After another nutty shift busy as always. Trying to find staff for the morning because they are going to be over numbers again. The trouble is so many of the shifts are being filled by people from the casual pool that they are being asked to do more than they want, or they are already working or they have other commitments, jobs or children. One of the casuals this evening pointed out a couple of days ago the whole shift was casuals. She has been working there 18 months and asked twice about a permanent job but no reply. I rang 12 or so people but no one could do it couldnt even ring the usual 20 cause so many already working and we just dont have people. Told them I couldnt find anyone.
Between doing that trying to get a caesar baby to feed not very interested then the mum mentioned she had her nipples pierced before would that affect the feeding. I thought it wouldnt once her milk is in but the small amount of colostrum might be slowed esp if she'd had some scaring from infections. I noticed with other girls the problems some have with getting belly button rings to heal I wondered if nipple rings were as difficult. Wont know the end of that story as i only worked the one shift. Always something new to deal with I wish she had told me earlier in the shift I could have checked it out more. We once had a terrible time trying to get a labial ring out before an emergency caesar had to leave it in the end and hope the diathermy didnt fry her. Take the rings out before I wish!

Pre night duty downer yuck. I think I'm working tonight must check the roster done that before turned up to find I'm not on. Been so tired since holiday sleeping a lot, I thought jet lag was just a myth but now i think its real. Only ever want to go to New Zealand now.
Played 18 holes yesterday and 9 today was glad I could play, thought maybe I was going to sleep for a month or all winter. Still playing ASX sharemarket game but I wont be leaving the day job soon thru did make some money from CSL cause of the swine flu thing.
Ah night duty finished pretty boring and have a study day tuesday they say the same things over and over. I wish i could think of something else to do, retirement would be good. i am feeling at lot better not so sad all the time. Kind of decided I couldnt live like that all the time. It feels like a long dark journey the last 7 months.
Watched the movie show want to see Tenderness with Russell Crowe and Samson and Delilah made in Alice Springs about a love affair beween Aboriginal kids.
Want to do some little trips away in NSW like the hot srings at Cowra.
Was trying to imagine our hospital with a flu in full swing I cant imagine we would have the capacity to cope at all and so many nurses are old as well so I can see us all off sick. But we have a folder labeled swine flu so the paper is flying. We were over numbers again this week caesars everywhere. Our staffing based on mothers looking after their babies but of course new C/S cant look after their babies. They sent them home in three days poor things. All the focus and fuss goes on the normal deliveries but at least a 1/3 of woman have caesars and not in our unit cause they demand them. I hope I'm finished before the big flu arrives.
I do like winter for the food thru. i make leak and potato soup tonight and goulash the other day. Must get the crock pot out again, also love fish these days esp salmon.
Well thats my addled blog night duty effect.

Back from the Philipines. We had 7 days in Boracay and three days in Manilla. Boracay is a very pretty island an hours flight south of Manilla. There is a long white sand sheltered beach. We stayed at the red coconuts resort funny name, it was ok till they started renovating around us so it got like a bit of a building site through the whole island is madly building. Its a local and Asian destination, Japanese honeymooners in identical clothes, well I hope they were honeymooners. The electrcal wires in the streets were amazing totally jumbled up. I love the smell of Asia. I forgot that, havent been in asia since the 80's Penang that amazing smell of food and tropical gardens, and other things. Food fantastic every franchaise and type of food. The fruit drinks are so nice. I liked a lime drink made of a little lime kalamancie which was a lovely drink also a watermelon juice with ginger. It reminded me of the street scenes in blade runner. Filipino people or Pinoys as they call themselves are such nice people very kind and enthusiastic and fun. it is quite upsetting to come home to the doom and gloom in this country. I asked some Pinoys if they knew about the financial crises but they looked blank. We went out for a sail at sunset and one of the girls said no wonder the guys sailing are so chilled its lovely out on the water. I think Asia will drag us out of depression by shopping.
It was funny through i thought people would be used to us but we got stared at all over the place more Manilla than Boracay it was weird The Americans were there for a long time but you dont see many Australians prob lots of Filipino aussies.
It made me feel better thru i still cried in the plane (not about the leg room) but coming home and not being able to tell Mum about it all. Grief does ease a bit thru sometimes you think it will never get better. It was lovely to see Sydney and the clean streets. We are going to travel a bit more, it is nice to have a break from day to day things and we havent had time for years to go away.
We had an ambition to go to all the pacific island groups because we loved Vanuatu so we might revive that ambition.

Its cold and rainy which matches everyones mood, all cranky and upset. Everyones at work except me I am on night duty and have to have a sleep soon. Its the long night tonight daylight saving ending so we work an extra hour for no extra pay on the grounds that on the short night we dont get docked an hour, we are going to have a sleep through, mostly I never seem to be on the short night. That is if it isnt too busy.
We have a flexi bed thing going in our ward. Its staffed for 21 beds but then we open more beds and supposed to get more staff and then they open another two beds. This morning all the beds were full, then someone rang in sick and we couldnt find someone. So day shift were working one down and hoping to find someone, this happening shift after shift a patchworks of shifts, sometimes bits of shifts and short for part of a shift. I really hate going there because you never know if there will be any staff and what they will be, lots of ENs and you dont know what they know. I always get the supervisor to approve the mess because if anything happens I dont want to wear the trouble. Then you spend 1/2 the shift looking for someone for next shift. I think the system thought casual people was the answer to their staffing money problems. I dont think anyone cares at the top because its cheap if they just leave you to cope, so I have my private policy which is to look after the mums and babies ok and stuff the paperwork and extra duty crap. Anything I think is rubbish I dont do, I keep expecting to hear abou stuff I hadnt filled in etc but no one mentions it, they dont really care and everyone is in the same position. Patients have pages and pages of stuff to fill in but hardly any one fills it all in.
Better go have a sleep.

So busy no time to blog, the ASX share game of course and the Westpac share game. Away to the country for a wedding at the weekend and meeting our gorgeous great nephews, grandchild envy again. Town looking very prosperous since I was last there. Big uts everywhere, CUBS my daughter said, cashed up bogans. Coal mines have been paying well, unlike nursing but we come into our own in the bad times, so I dont worry thats how it goes, anyway they just seem to have piles of junk. I'm glad we cant afford all that.
Came 2nd at golf today and playing better need discipline and toughness at golf which does me good in life.
Obcessed with playing Mario Galaxy too takes me ages to get the levels but finally get there bit by bit.

Not a great week in my village. Local retired doc had a stroke, another local died, friends father in hospital with a stroke, and lady down the road suicided in the park next to the school, lucky a relation found her not children. Glad I dont have to tell my mother that news, she knew her well.
Funny I had a sort of obcessed with suicide week. I wonder if everyone remembers the first person they knew who commited (funny word for it) suicide. I was away from home for the first time failing nursing in another state, my mother wrote me that a classmate of my sisters had shot herself in her parents garage. I thought about what that must have been like for her family and everyone close, even at my distance and in this distant I still think about her and wonder why and how things were so bad. I told myself for years that it must have been an accident but my mother said it wasnt she put the gun together. It haunts me too because I go to the house she lived in friends live there. They dont know, as far as I know, not something you can ask about. Its hard to remember how bad you can feel after you feel better.

Golf yesterday and golf this morning. Before I went phone call from nursing unit manager we are frantic you have to come to work now (I am rostered for night duty) I said I cant come now I am playing golf. Well you are being redeployed from nights to PM shift. What I said with 6hrs notice I cant do that i am busy all day. Its an emergency she said i can make you work overtime in an emergency. I had a feeling if i went I would still be working the night as well. I said short staffed is not an emergency more like a normal day. I was getting very mad so got off the phone before something said. Rang back and left a msg that I would not be able to work afternoon but I would be there on my rostered shift. I will see what happens. I think she has designated me the next sucker on her long list of people she has preyed on. She uses their goodness and their guilt. One of the saints now escaped her told me she rang her to work and when she said she couldnt because she was minding her baby, the Num said to leave it with the Num's 60 yr old husband and come to work. There are so many problems in that place and they fake a few meetings but nothing changes. I think it is quite dangerous.
Well the quiet patches never last, always so rubbish going on so I will see what happens next.

I forgot I had a blog been so absorbed in the stock market game, Mario galaxy game golf and creepy work. for the 1st yr of blogging you think about it a lot and talk to it and tell it things i think but then you get involved in other things. I was reading a few blogs that just ended I think people said more they they were happy with or had a nutter talking to their blog. It is quite a strange thing blogging solitary but not, diary but not, internet is quite a strange thing but not as real as real. Sound of a birds wing moving.
I have been lighting incense to my mother thats nice keeps away the mosquitos and smoke purifies the spirit according to Don Juan.
Had a crappy evening shift, over census again inexperienced staff backbiting comments from people then ask you to do their work and no reciprication. Mothers wanting you to take their babies and mind them but you cant do it not staffed for nursery, then have you searching the linen bins for lost bib! Then all the stories of their troubled relationships 2 crying with the postpartum blues and husbands panicking and wanting me to fix wife up how? gave panadol. Back to night shift less lazy glory seekers on nights less discharges, no thou visitors so you can get to the mothers, people come in and stay for hrs. You cant get near the mother or even into the room. Cant find equipment the cow that runs the ward will not buy any equipment only see new things at education days and on TV medical shows. Thank god part time could not take that place more often. We had a lecture on the new computer stuff we are going to do with of course not enough computers. All the crap we get looks like the hand me downs from god knows where. Program bought from US terms different too complicated too many functions designed by non clinicians. A 2nd hand computer and a BP machine from the 70's that about sums us up. Gotta laugh.
Need a holiday must mow

Interesting night one of the mothers bleeding from the nipples (my daughter horrified was it a vampire baby), not quite too cute. Strong suck and nipples getting chewed up but shouldn't be that bad that early. Asked if she had a thrush infections but it didnt look like a thrush thing and she hadnt had thrush, asked her about Raynaud syndrome. Yes she said she did have a mild form of that but she didnt think it would affect breast feeding. It does through we tried feeding with a nipple shield the shield filled up with blood. I googled Raynauds and breast feeding and people get problems with pain they treat it by keeping the breast warm, avoiding anything that causes vasocontriction coffee cigarettes etc. and taking a small amount of a betablocker which improves the vasospasms. My grandmother died of Raynauds disease.
Well got to get my money fix with Suzi Orman and the sharemarket game (ASX web site) has started you get a fictional 50thou and you trade with a hundred companies, Its a really good way to learn about the stock market without spending money of course it was too late for me I did it the other way round and things are really down now. I wish i was buying now I would just accumulate big caps on there low days. They say you have to have a ten year time frame with the market but is it is a good investment I hope eventually anyway you have to have a different avenues of investment somethings gotta go good sometime. Oh well we have somewhere to live and jobs must'nt grumble.
Good outcome with the breast feeding with Raynauds rested her nipples for 24hrs and expressed then put the baby back on going well that day may still have problems at times but she has a strategy for it so am hoping she continues. Had a nice evening all nice Mums with fewer social problems maybe the druggie thing is looking pretty daggy to the gen nexters, those skinny 30yr+ olds do not look too cool and aging or dead drugged rock stars. At least we seem to have a lot less drug issues at the moment. That would be nice.
A friend is going to work a three month contract at a New Zealand hospital that would be good I'd like to do that. I am going on holiday to the Philippines so thats so exciting for me I havent been overseas in 22 years so its all new getting a passport etc.
I would really like to work in a good hospital sometime where the admin care about the staff and their patients not just about their careers, I wonder if a place like that exists. I dont know what it is about hospitals but they seem to breed and empower the nastiest people.
Missed tennis again today very naughty but I need o mow the grass is so long from all the rain, also play Mario Galaxy on the Wii I am becoming a gamer again for a while. I brought a Atari game machine back from Singapore in !981 now they've got one like it under glass at the game men. Mario is so clever coz it teaches an unco like me to play it and the Wii is good fun I can see my gen in their nursing homes all spinning Mario Wiiiii

I thought I hadnt written anything for ages but found 2 bits on the edit thing so put them up anyway. Been very grieving like a move from acute to chronic, sometimes the acute is easier because people ask you how you are and you cry a lot its fresh your still close to the person but then time goes on and its old news and you dont cry as much but it gets to be this ache and you miss them in just ordinary things and you are getting further away from them. You want to go back all the time and you feel disconected from your life. Also I find all the old insecurities and bad feelings and no confidence stuff coming up. Like having to deal with being 17 again. I dont know why that is maybe because your mother is so connected to your growing up and my mother never saw me as amounting to much, after all I was her daughter and she never felt of much value to anyone. I think maybe thats why I have so much grief because I have a lot of issues with our relationship and the way she made me feel about myself.
Its self fulfilling too that failure thing people treat you as you expect them to. But knowing these things doesnt resolve them, I try remember that our relationship healed a lot over the years and we are lucky to have had that time.
The only way I can see through grief is kindness to others, its what made things better for me starting nursing and doing things for people to help them made me feel worth something, even through then and even more now primary care giving is seen as low skilled, and worth less than the meetingistas [just invented that word!] churning out folder after folder of unreadable policy. I seriously think that giving a patient a glass of ice water is more important than most of the rubbish done in hospitals. I always liked the tea ladies better than anyone but they are long gone of course.
Well better do some gardening we are going to the beach for coffee its still very hot and dry and we are going to have to T up at golf soon as the fairways are getting too dry and they will loose all the grass.

What a slack blogger too busy to write really. The days are light till 8-9pm with daylight saving so dinner is late because there are things to do in the garden or a swim at the pool or the beach or golf practice. I swam at the pool tonight from 6.30 till 7.30 it was a peaceful and there was a rainbow. We played 9 holes of golf this morning and 18 yesterday and went body boarding in the afternoon so I could hardly walk last night. Legs aching. All this sport is funny really because I was the most non-sporting person ever. In my hippie youth.
I've been reading "Look me in the Eye" by John Elder Robison who also has a great blog by that name. Its about growing up with asperger's syndrome, a topic that interests our household. Our possible aspies are high functioning and being very irritating at the moment having taken a dislike to a golf commentator on TV. They also think they are not aspies but do not see themselves as being normal as they are too smart for that.

Two quiet days at work, time to talk to a patient. Lots in the paper about miscarriages in A&E toilets and lack of sympathy from cas staff. Then our birthing unit had a miscarriage deliver there. The old rule is birthing unit only deals ith pregnancies after 20 weeks the only exception hyperemesis. The reaction to the miscarriage at North Shore Hospital is that all miscarriages are to go to birthing unit. I suppose they might have to deliver full terms in A&E. There were two letters in the paper pointing out that miscarriages are very common and unstopable. A pain protocol would be good and more sympathetic treatment but A&E's are such difficult places to work. You read about schoolchildren etc being counselled after a friend dies or something happens imagine going to work every day and seeing people smashed up and families in grief, having no beds or time to treat people properly and no one ever giving a shit about how you cope with that. Sometimes I totally get the shits with our Cas, well actually the whole hospitals judgemental attitude to patients but historically its an under-resourced health system in a low socio-economic area. A lot in common with that Irish catholic version of charity.