grrrrrr

I bad bad went to the cardiologist and vented big time, I said I dont like this going to doctors it makes me feel bad, you dont investigate anything you dont know anything how could something kill a piece of your heart and not have other effects seems unlikely. He said is it me, no I said, you seem very angry and depressed are you suicidal. I said yes I was but I dont think about it so much now and anyway you cant kill yourself because it would upset your children so much. plus there is much more chance of them doing it too. Funny that you think its ok for you but not ok for them. Anyway Don Juan says dying is easy and living is the challenge. I hate the bastards that made this machine.   

He is so funny the cardiologist he is as aspergers as. Watching him trying to be concerned about me when I walked in he didnt remember who I was he said reading the file oh you have a pacemaker with a big surprised voice I thought stuff you, you react like the rest of the world the mixture of repulsion and fascination that could turn me into a serial killer. I never tell any body now and I dont talk about it. my husband is afraid to mention it. He doesnt know I went to see the doctor. the doc said we'll do an ECG I said why, what are you looking for, oh well he said you just had a check up, so he didnt. He refered me to some psychologist that will see me as a favour to him, he said do you think you'll go I said no.

I said how often do you see patients like me he said he didnt they had follow ups at the clinic, so ends that no more appointments with him and stuff the clinic too. Useless. I think oh I shouldn't have annoyed him but I dont care he doesnt know anything and he doesnt even know who I am. 

Now I have to forget again and get over it all again.  

Thats 3 days ago and I'm still stressing over it but I will have to see the cardiac surgeon who did the operation if  I ever go to doctors again at least he understands the machine.  I didnt like him much they are all too busy to answer your questions and much too busy to give a shit unless your Elvis and see what caring does. Their only answer seems to be another drug.

One day at work then I'm on holidays. I go to work thinking if anyone says anything that upsets me I'm going home. I didnt think that until I noticed I wasnt thinking it progress ?maybe. 

Its the day at golf yesterday with the lovely ladies. I played with an 79 year old who top scored with 2 others they are so brave, lost husbands friends been ill and come out kind and good golfers.