nada

I write but I never want to publish it I dont care much about anything really just do the rounds of this and that life is pretty meaningless after all. We are playing Paper Mario on the Wii it is a very odd game but funny. My friend is having an operation for cancer they think it will be ok but I am worrying. It is after work evening shift work is crazy busy whats new. I had 7 ladies never seem to get it all done always forget something. Oh well back tomorrow then off they said do you want to do the night too but I am never agreeing to nights else I'll end up doing them all the time, so I just looked at them like they were mad. I have holidays in april and I bought tickets to see Bob Dylan I rang a  friend and asked if she wanted to go she said yes so we will have dinner too. I hope he makes it. 

Tired

I worked monday tuesday then played golf on thursday and friday , worked saturday sunday then tennis today. It has been very hot and humid. 18 holes at golf was the hardest day but work has been ridiculous really. My shoulder is aching. It hurts from all the movement bedmaking etc. The union get the one to four thing through except it isnt what it seems, you can read between the lines the number of new positions they are creating isnt very many when you think of the whole state, also midwifery isnt included as we have birthrate plus or something which they have said they will implement but not when

Today

Today is the day a year ago they put this piece of shit in me. I am still not comfortable about it at all. I dont have a cardiologist anymore as we did not get on and besides it was obvious that he knew nothing about pacemakers and he found them freaky and I am not going back to the clinic because I dont trust them so goodbye medicine at the moment. So its all about pretending you are alive while all the people who know about it (and that turned out to be way too many)  try to ask you about it because you are the person with... a kind of sub human. They are nervous about me I think but I dont give a shit as dropping dead would be a dream come true to me. I stopped taking the statins as it was making me feel even worse and I thought what am I doing this for so I can live longer like this no thanks.

 You do get used to not-feeling, sometimes you dont remember the feeling of being connected and alive. To be fair the disconnected thing started before the pacemaker and maybe  from the heart dying but the machine doesnt make that better it feels worse. So you are alive but dead inside, cure that but they cant. For a long while I thought its just temporary. 

I think is it self pity not accepting growing old etc etc but its not all that. Its feeling dead not really caring about anything everything is hollow just habit.