Feel so twitchy dont know why, tired but didnt do anything much today tiny bit of gardening. The macadaemia tree had lots of nuts around it but the nut cracker I've got is hopeless. Funny coincidence watching The Cook and The Chef (gt cooking program) and they were visiting a macadamia farm and had a better nut cracker so I'm going looking for it in the lovely kitchern shops.
Yesterday I went to see Mum and was talking with one of the nurses. One of the other nurses was checking the lady in the next bed she said theres no pulse nothing not breathing. Its so different from hospital where everyone starts running at that point but in the nursing home its very peaceful almost normal. One of the girls said sorry to me I dont know why except people say funny things death is strange and disturbing no matter how peaceful. Mum looked comparatively healthy. I gave her some more lemonade which along with some sustegen is all she will have. She makes faces when you give her any solid food. Then I left, the lady's son was coming in and I'd never met him. Its funny I've seen his mother nearly every day for months. Its not the time to meet strangers.
That all feels like a hundred years ago. I was thinking of the play we saw Joan Didion's "The Year of Magical Thinking" about the death of her husband and her daughter. Maybe magical thinking is true human thinking the old thinking before rationality, maybe thats how we deal with death. When my father died I wore a t-shirt of his for a long time but I couldn't talk about him and barely think about him. I still see something and think Dad would be interested in that. A while after he died I dreamt that he was
reborn. I looked at all the babies at work to see if they were him but its hard to tell with babies.
Grief is a kind of madness and all the time you know it a stupid waste of time.