I thought I hadnt written anything for ages but found 2 bits on the edit thing so put them up anyway. Been very grieving like a move from acute to chronic, sometimes the acute is easier because people ask you how you are and you cry a lot its fresh your still close to the person but then time goes on and its old news and you dont cry as much but it gets to be this ache and you miss them in just ordinary things and you are getting further away from them. You want to go back all the time and you feel disconected from your life. Also I find all the old insecurities and bad feelings and no confidence stuff coming up. Like having to deal with being 17 again. I dont know why that is maybe because your mother is so connected to your growing up and my mother never saw me as amounting to much, after all I was her daughter and she never felt of much value to anyone. I think maybe thats why I have so much grief because I have a lot of issues with our relationship and the way she made me feel about myself.
Its self fulfilling too that failure thing people treat you as you expect them to. But knowing these things doesnt resolve them, I try remember that our relationship healed a lot over the years and we are lucky to have had that time.
The only way I can see through grief is kindness to others, its what made things better for me starting nursing and doing things for people to help them made me feel worth something, even through then and even more now primary care giving is seen as low skilled, and worth less than the meetingistas [just invented that word!] churning out folder after folder of unreadable policy. I seriously think that giving a patient a glass of ice water is more important than most of the rubbish done in hospitals. I always liked the tea ladies better than anyone but they are long gone of course.
Well better do some gardening we are going to the beach for coffee its still very hot and dry and we are going to have to T up at golf soon as the fairways are getting too dry and they will loose all the grass.