Half in love with easeful death

Today is one month and one day since I had the pacemaker in. I went to see the cardiologist. I got palpitations a bit from nerves or something. Have little panic attacks thinking I wont make it up a hill, but I do. I've read so much about heart block but  don't really know why it happened. I asked him again but he said the connective tissue can degenerate, more stuff to google. Sometimes I kind of feel that something is true but nothing feels like what happened. There is a online pacemaker club that is very good to read if a little scary about some stuff. Most things you do in life you do with your cohort school, job training, motherhood but having a PM is different. Anyway the cardiologist (aka Ed) was kind of nice and funny. He printed off some more information. 

I went to Bunnings to buy some plants which usually makes me feel better but I ended up teary all afternoon. Just adjusting to the new paradigm I guess. Its awful to say but I wouldn't have minded dying no more grief no more stress. I was so tired. Oh well looks like I get some more time. Have to be kinder. I feel better tonight. It will get better I think I was reading about Arne Larrson he had the 1st pacemaker implanted in the 50's. Interesting. I was thinking what my life would be like without it. Outside chance I might have got better but usually you get worse and become a cardiac cripple which I thought was a choice people made but now I dont think that. I'm always lucky in some weird ways.