nada

I write but I never want to publish it I dont care much about anything really just do the rounds of this and that life is pretty meaningless after all. We are playing Paper Mario on the Wii it is a very odd game but funny. My friend is having an operation for cancer they think it will be ok but I am worrying. It is after work evening shift work is crazy busy whats new. I had 7 ladies never seem to get it all done always forget something. Oh well back tomorrow then off they said do you want to do the night too but I am never agreeing to nights else I'll end up doing them all the time, so I just looked at them like they were mad. I have holidays in april and I bought tickets to see Bob Dylan I rang a  friend and asked if she wanted to go she said yes so we will have dinner too. I hope he makes it. 

Tired

I worked monday tuesday then played golf on thursday and friday , worked saturday sunday then tennis today. It has been very hot and humid. 18 holes at golf was the hardest day but work has been ridiculous really. My shoulder is aching. It hurts from all the movement bedmaking etc. The union get the one to four thing through except it isnt what it seems, you can read between the lines the number of new positions they are creating isnt very many when you think of the whole state, also midwifery isnt included as we have birthrate plus or something which they have said they will implement but not when

Today

Today is the day a year ago they put this piece of shit in me. I am still not comfortable about it at all. I dont have a cardiologist anymore as we did not get on and besides it was obvious that he knew nothing about pacemakers and he found them freaky and I am not going back to the clinic because I dont trust them so goodbye medicine at the moment. So its all about pretending you are alive while all the people who know about it (and that turned out to be way too many)  try to ask you about it because you are the person with... a kind of sub human. They are nervous about me I think but I dont give a shit as dropping dead would be a dream come true to me. I stopped taking the statins as it was making me feel even worse and I thought what am I doing this for so I can live longer like this no thanks.

 You do get used to not-feeling, sometimes you dont remember the feeling of being connected and alive. To be fair the disconnected thing started before the pacemaker and maybe  from the heart dying but the machine doesnt make that better it feels worse. So you are alive but dead inside, cure that but they cant. For a long while I thought its just temporary. 

I think is it self pity not accepting growing old etc etc but its not all that. Its feeling dead not really caring about anything everything is hollow just habit.

  

Australia day

It hot and steamy but starting to rain. We are going to oil the decking on the verandas if it doesnt rain too much, well maybe we will just get them ready. The painters are finished did a very good job, the boards are portland stone which is a creamy beige and the trim is white and royal blue, it looks very fresh and nice. We had black on the boards on the western side i thought they were from mould but the painters said no sunburnt. It took me four years to pick a colour scheme we had bits of different colours all over the house as I tried out different ones. This looks really nice. 

They have stopped the bed restrictions at work while the union negotiates with the government  over  nurse ratios but we are all annoyed as they didnt tell us what the governments offer is. Everyone I think is sick of government by creepy little backroom deals.  So thats as far as its got. I had two reasonable shifts as I only had 4 then 5 mothers to look after, a lot of caesars through still. 

Golf is back tomorrow I am getting nervous about it, its so hot and humid. Not doing much just hanging in the pool and gardening and little trips for iced coffee at the beach. Good news sisters house got rented finally to 2 dev delayed men. We think it will be funny as I think it will annoyed the next door neighbor who  has been using the bins.  She seemed to think we were unreasonable asking them not to and has gone right on doing it. She looked like a NIMBY to me (not in my back yard). I thought would I mind retarded men next door no at least they would be friendly. We have students both sides and of course being older we are invisible!

Blue skies

I feel more cheerful as husbands family have left town and I avoided most of the circus, brother who lives near us but whom we never see is attempting marriage again. To be fair she seems a nice person unlike the mad first one. I was working so missed the party and didnt go to lunch with them. He told them I was sick I think. The kids went and I'm glad they have a relationship with them. He says why am I so bitter about them and all the stuff I'm upset about was long ago and they dont think about you like you do about them. Thats the point through and it makes me teary I thought his sister might be like another sister, not as close as a sister but more than a friend, and his mother the same not as much as your mother but close. My children got the thin end of any attention from them, when she lived less than an hour away she visited for a couple of hours a week before christmas and that was it. We've had christmas once in 25 years with them and she spent that whole of dinner saying we had ruined it by being late. Husband says we've been invited but I wanted to go to my parents, but thats not true. 

Anyway I have to get over this they make me feel really bad. The only one we saw was his mother took her out to lunch a couple of times. He told me he said to her dont ask about the pacemaker so the bitch whispers to me how is the pacemaker, making sure he doesnt hear stupid woman, its not him who doesnt want to talk about it its me. Same old thing they cant treat you as normal you're forever that person with the pacemaker. I havent heard back from uni they probably put it in a bin. I stopped taking the stupid statins who wants more of this stupid life. 

back to work

Dreading it because heard they had closed beds in general but not midwifery so I thought we would have lots of general patients and be throwing mid patients out the door. It was a really bad evening as we had 8 new caesars who keep coming till 1030 pm but at least we were not to take any general patients. a union guy came round to ask how it was going he said are the extra beds open, I said they are always open and we spend half our shifts looking for staff they should open them permanently. Very worried about the last C/S she'd bleed in recovery I thought she'd bleed again heavy loss, you worry about the gap at change of shift but good girl on nights took over and looked after her, she did bleed but doc there and they took care of her. My second shift I was still worried about her hope she went ok. They are starting the 10 hr night duty which I've said I wont do but I dont think that will hold, my nominated retirement age is coming soon so.....

Its been raining and raining and of course we are getting the house painted which it badly needs nice painter, good tradesman are a joy. Sometimes I wish I had just learned to fix watches or something like that people are so much more a problem, and really nursing is everybody's dog of a job. wet docs/social workers/physios etc all giving you lectures and I think oh I probably changed your nappy you fool. There is no respect for nurses. 

But then I do like some of the girls on the shift nice people no pretensions actually working on a mid ward you have to have no pretensions you are just the bottom of the barrel. It goes like this in a hospital the respect ladder at the top the in charge people (in their own minds anyhow), ICU, A&E OT and recovery nurses, clinic nurses (respected cause they've got themselves cushy jobs), birthing unit midwives, general ward nurses and finally mid ward nurses. At least we've got the cleaning staff sort of under us and at the bottom patients, unless their a celeb but then they dont come to our hospital or some in-charges relation. I said the other day at work that this might be the worst hospital in Australia sadly no one disagreed with me. 

I am catching mozzies to feed to the fish (Buddy) he loves them. He is in a small vase which I was feeling guilty about but our friend came up from Melbourne and they own a pet shop she said those fish breed in cow pats in Thailand so they like small spaces. He loves mozzies. 

New years day

Very sunburnt morning at the beach iced coffee at the kiosk and the rest of the day by the pool reading the papers and gardening and swimming. Relaxing. Enjoying body boarding a lot it is lovely in the sea. Resolution make a million this year, bought the lotto tickets. Forgot it was NY's eve yesterday ha maybe too relaxed.