Today

Today is the day a year ago they put this piece of shit in me. I am still not comfortable about it at all. I dont have a cardiologist anymore as we did not get on and besides it was obvious that he knew nothing about pacemakers and he found them freaky and I am not going back to the clinic because I dont trust them so goodbye medicine at the moment. So its all about pretending you are alive while all the people who know about it (and that turned out to be way too many)  try to ask you about it because you are the person with... a kind of sub human. They are nervous about me I think but I dont give a shit as dropping dead would be a dream come true to me. I stopped taking the statins as it was making me feel even worse and I thought what am I doing this for so I can live longer like this no thanks.

 You do get used to not-feeling, sometimes you dont remember the feeling of being connected and alive. To be fair the disconnected thing started before the pacemaker and maybe  from the heart dying but the machine doesnt make that better it feels worse. So you are alive but dead inside, cure that but they cant. For a long while I thought its just temporary. 

I think is it self pity not accepting growing old etc etc but its not all that. Its feeling dead not really caring about anything everything is hollow just habit.