Feel so twitchy dont know why, tired but didnt do anything much today tiny bit of gardening. The macadaemia tree had lots of nuts around it but the nut cracker I've got is hopeless. Funny coincidence watching The Cook and The Chef (gt cooking program) and they were visiting a macadamia farm and had a better nut cracker so I'm going looking for it in the lovely kitchern shops.
Yesterday I went to see Mum and was talking with one of the nurses. One of the other nurses was checking the lady in the next bed she said theres no pulse nothing not breathing. Its so different from hospital where everyone starts running at that point but in the nursing home its very peaceful almost normal. One of the girls said sorry to me I dont know why except people say funny things death is strange and disturbing no matter how peaceful. Mum looked comparatively healthy. I gave her some more lemonade which along with some sustegen is all she will have. She makes faces when you give her any solid food. Then I left, the lady's son was coming in and I'd never met him. Its funny I've seen his mother nearly every day for months. Its not the time to meet strangers.
That all feels like a hundred years ago. I was thinking of the play we saw Joan Didion's "The Year of Magical Thinking" about the death of her husband and her daughter. Maybe magical thinking is true human thinking the old thinking before rationality, maybe thats how we deal with death. When my father died I wore a t-shirt of his for a long time but I couldn't talk about him and barely think about him. I still see something and think Dad would be interested in that. A while after he died I dreamt that he was
reborn. I looked at all the babies at work to see if they were him but its hard to tell with babies.
Grief is a kind of madness and all the time you know it a stupid waste of time.

ahh why do I start writing this 5 mins before I have to go to work. It is so hot today 28 after a cold week. Supposed to have a storm this evening. I wonder how that hurricane is doing in texas you always hope they verve away but it looked so big on he satillite pictures. better go get ready.
Next day what a shitty evening. over numbers again extra midwife again 2 casual pool one of our staff off in the birthing unit then an en to help. Some good en's but not this one supposed to do obs but was listening to her handing out advice and baby cuddling, like they havent been cuddled for hours no answer buzzers and no obs done then want to chat to you. So many useless people in the system barely trained and not in the area they are put in. Anyway I have to just get an attitude to deal with the place. I dont do other peoples work unless they help me to or or I think they are working at least as hard as me. The first thing jettisoned is all the mad paperwork except for ward lists. (We had a lady wander out at 1am once asking about her treatment who was not on any list or reported on or her notes in the folder)
Next day (I wrote a diary once and it was stunningly boring so mustnt blog like that). Another another busy shift but we had 5 midwives on so that was much better and you get time to look after people birthing unit were making an effort to help us with our admission doing some of the obs before they came and having things organised and make everyone feel better and more friendly. I started learning the computer discharge program but I dont have a pass word yet. Have to go to an education day. I suspect we taking over the docs discharge notes, they were always having to do that, that wouldnt be a bad idea, rather have them doing the ward work and how would they remember anyone days later.
Yet again a blocked urinary catheter after a caesar, leaking into the bed, filling up the bladder, causing more pain than necessary. I have tried and tried to get someone to look at this but no one is interested. I wonder if I can do some research proving there is a problem. Maybe I could just put a notice up and say what I think is happening and people can add names and what action they took. Personally I think they need bigger bore catheters but maybe they think this causes more trauma.
On another note one of the casual staff has sussed big surprise I am not entirely happy at work and suggests other jobs. She says there are these telephone triage jobs. We of course get quite a few phone calls from Mums with problems at home unfortunately the next one I took was from a mum with a 5 week old semi-breast feed baby who wanted to have a few drinks and how long would she have to not feed for. I directed her to a help line and away from my outrage, maybe teli triage isnt my thing.
Its hot again today I played very bad tennis this morning, in the grove for three shots then hit the gutter. Half want to go for body board but the ocean is very cold even with a wetsuit brainfreeze now its got a bit late so might just have a tea and cake at the beach chicken.

I've been reading blogs of note cakewreaks which is so funny and running a hospital which is really interesting. it would be so good to have someone in charge who is actually interested in how the place runs and focused on the work. I think am I working at the worst hospital in NSW or Australia but there is no way to know that. They put the newsletter up on the toilet wall I guess they know only a captive audience will read it. The guy in charge does his little homilies in it. We are lucky to live in a land of freedom and free speech but if you speak out and identify yourself as a member of the hospital oh well thats not right. What a creepy bunch these people are, you just slave away in silence you lowlifes while we build our brilliant careers and we will close anything and destroy anything we are told to. Bitter oh yes. I wonder if it was worth anything nursing that is. It fed my children I suppose that will have to do. How many jobs really matter much. Nursing just feels like a job that feeds off your insecurities to bleed you dry of work and make you feel inadequate. You can do 99% right in a day but someone will be bound to tell you the bit you forgot.
I'm upset at the moment because someone told me that at another hospital in the group they have a ratio of one nurse to 5 mothers and ours is one to 7 and they frequently go over that. Bear in mind 7 mothers include up to 7 babies so that is a lot of patients to look after. Plus our turnover of patients is huge, 50 patient movements in a day was the record , counting mothers and babies in and out of the ward. Really I think I'm nuts staying there. Oh well not much longer to retirement I hope.
This is very whingy but I'm mad with myself for saying I would do an extra shift tonight. I forgot I am going out to dinner.
On a cheerful note I have a nice new jumper very superficial and I'm reading a good book a kate atkinson I heard her interviewed on the radio.

Cold day only 13 degrees at top. We are nesting with the heater and Company a musical by Stephan Sondheim. It is so funny and clever. Last night we went to see Madame Butterfly by the Australian Operas travelling company it was wonderful and really cheap for an opera. We are seeing some great shows this year.
Not working till tomorrow night. We had a chat to the supervisor last week it sounds even scarier in the general wards, no staff. I didnt know they were down to ains on the wards. She said she had very junior registered nurse an enrolled nurse and an assistant in nursing for 20 or so patients on one ward. I said I'd be going home, she said that you cant leave the patients but I'd be too frightened to stay. Nobody ever listens about staffing when things go wrong they just find the most powerless person to blame and thats some poor ward RN. I wonder how many nurses just get too scared to work in the wards. They have a team of ICU nurses that we can call when there are problems on the wards, trying to prevent the bounce backs to ICU. At least you have someone to ask. We had lady with a PICC line in which most us had not a clue about last week. Finally diagnosed with MRSA in her caesar wound. So there she is sitting in maternity, we hate dirty wounds there because of the babies but no on cares anymore.
I read that in WA they are dealing with MRSA a lot better, here its just a mess they dont do anything about it, one of the girls rang the infection control person to ask her to look at the wound cause we'd never seen any thing like it but she said she didnt deal with patients only infections!
I only go to work for the laughs.

Life life just gets a bit peaceful sort of mother in nursing home and stable in a downhill way, not getting out of bed now and being fed. My work busy but no trouble then husband who works in aged care nursing gets given a new roster which will drop his pay 12thou dollars, So he has to get a new job. Kennedy health care group in action. They want to save money of course and reduce trained nurses and replace them with enrolled nurses and ain. They are getting the ens to do a course to give medications so they think they can get rid of most of their registered nurses.
Aged care registered nurses are about 10% behind in pay now and after the next pay rises they will be more than 16% behind and the union, while happy to support the presidents daughters soccer team with union money is not doing anything about aged care nurses wages. NSW nursing union has always been crap wots new.
So as more RNs leave aged care the more operators can say they cant get RNs very cute scheme. Whatever husband needs to get out before he finds himself being responsible for very large nos of very ill old people with minimal trained staff.
I said to him I think I should go onto fulltime but he says wait and see and dont worry too much but I do of course but I think because I am already worried about my mother.
They rang for me to work tonight but I said no because i am playing golf tomorrow, but maybe I should have.
Thats all going to do aquarobics hope the pool is warm its sooo cold.

Played golf yesterday with a fellow newbie and the pigtail lady, just a bit of advice give away wearing pigtails on yr 30th, this one is over 70 and has white hair. It was a monthly medal day, stroke play that means you count every hit and you have to play till the ball is in the hole no matter how long that takes. quite a difficult day esp for new players who arnt that good. Plus you play in yr own handicap group so you dont have the lower handicap people helping.
The dizzy one does not count shots properly or fill the card in accurately or know any rules, lights up cigarettes and leaves them burning on the grass (lol) I'm imaging once the dry returns headlines "golf comp abandoned while wild grass fire spreads across course" I digress, Anyway my other companion was getting increasing upset with dizzy. I who are often send out to play with her, 4th time I think knew what we were in for tried to ride it out in a zen state but then the dizzy one hit her ball on the A graders fairway while they were trying to hit off. This is a very big crime. The A graders went for her and they are scarey golfing is where all the scarey teachers and nurses end up in retirement. Its the first time I've seen anyone get thru to her and she went in after that. I thought I should talk her into staying but looking at the other player I wasnt game enough to say anything.
Nursing certainly prepares you for all the trials of life.
The other lady is a nurse now retired she is a saint of the cancer care system. The cancer care workers speak of like others do of mother Therea. I thought well the hospital must have really valued her she had worked there her whole career but she said no she left because the new num was another psycopath and they didnt do anthing to thank no dinner, lunch card. I was shocked and everyone I've told is to. Nursing doesnt just eat its young it BO's all over its experienced. Seriously you wonder if there is any hope. Must go to work detachment detachment

Ahh so long since posted always running so much to do. stoopid Went to see Australian womans basketball team play brazil that was great. Saw "Tell me on a sunday" musical very good.
Patient of the week girl with a deep vein thrombosis in 2nd trimester but i havent looked up google about it yet.I worked 2 evening shifts instead of nights to see if I liked being less tired but they were pretty shitty too. Also in charge of the shift on the phone for 1/4 of the shift looking for staff for next shift so end up looking after her patients too. Stuff it I will probably stay on nights. In the last year they have changed nearly every piece of paper in the place and every procedure, none of it shorter or better. They are advertising for staff but that will take months if ever they like being short it saves them money.
Everyone hates everyone else for sending them more and more patients. I'm planning a sickie next week they wont have any staff for one of the nights I'm doing so stuff them.
Its very cold today and a bit rainy was going to garden but too cold. Yesterday did some weeding wandering jew which if i let in would coat my backyard! If only it was eatable or even mulchable it is the cockroach of the plant world. Dont tell it but I secretly admire it. The azaleas I planted are doing well really they are lovely plants and they will grow in pretty difficult conditions. I am having a japanese garden phase again. My garden is trying to be everything at once but I enjoy it anyway. I harvested my first handful of macadamia nuts yesterday just have to crack them very hard shells. So now I am feeling sustainable gardener.
Well going to knit a scarf now drink more tea and go visit mum in the nursing home.